It feels like a new chapter unfolding in our lives.
She wrote, and published her first Blog post today.
She has always been a gifted writer. Maybe that is why she encouraged me to begin this Blog years ago, because she knew how enjoyable it would be. It was a seed in her heart.
She’s had a WordPress account for over a year, and yesterday talked about writing a Blog. It made me smile. Today, she typed one up, added some of her beautiful photographs, and hit publish. I asked God to please let someone read it. It’s had several views, and likes. We needed this today, so glory to God, and thank you WordPress community.
The silver bracelet I wore during Chemo was inscribed with, “Be still and know that I am God.” That is all I knew then, and now. Each part of our journey prepares us for what’s next.
Monday afternoon, I stretched out across my bed to rest, as I waited for my daughter to get home. Our semi-feral kitten, John Cena, was in the house, and my bedroom door was open. He hopped up on the bed, and began kneading the blanket lying next to me. To be in that moment of laying there, and listening to him kneading prepared me for today.
Just being here as she does her thing on her Mac. I stared out her bedroom window for hours, but I was present. When I would get up to go do something, she would ask, “Are you leaving me?” I would smile, go do my thing, come back and sit on the bed. “No darling. I am not.” It’s been a glad day.
I took a friend to meet Stephanie today. You may or may not recall but, Stephanie is who gave me the courage to care for plants. Everyone needs a Stephanie in their life.
Getting out of my truck, this caught my eye. It has been hanging there for some time, and I have walked by it a countless number, but today it spoke to me.
My daughter is still in shock that I brought it home!
She asked, “How much was it?” I cheerfully replied, “Stephanie let me have it for 9 bucks!” My daughter looked confused. This was so unlike me to buy something that wasn’t pretty. I have already received $9 worth of joy from it.
Some days look pretty, but some days feel ugly, and it’s okay to have both.
She told me, “I’ve been struggling with depression all year.”
My immediate thought was, “Not my daughter.”
She came clean on Instagram, and wrote a post about it, thanking people for their prayers and support. I downloaded the post, and saved it to my phone, but when she deleted it from her account, it disappeared. There are glad days and sad days, and today is a sad one. Everyday is different.
This is one of my favorite pictures of her. We had just moved into this house, and you can see the sparkle in her eyes.
She doesn’t follow my Blog, or read it unless I ask her to.
I feel this needs to be written, so she can read it one day.
We have fought many battles, and won with God by our side. She will overcome, but let’s mark today as, the battle begins.
This Blog began 4 years ago by a suggestion from my daughter. We had moved, and packing up in haste had caused me to lose track of my journals. My daughter said, “What goes on the Internet, stays on the Internet.” This will be here for her and her children, when I am no longer here. Which by God’s grace will not be for another 50 years.
My daughter has a happy Mom, and is quick to notice otherwise. She spent the younger years of her life seeing me unhappy. If I’m unhappy today. she is quick to say, “Is this what you left a 25 year marriage for?” Listen to the heart.
My darling daughter… I hope you always follow your heart.
We laugh all the time. You have your favorite quotes by me written in your phone. CPS would have been here years ago if they read them. This is my favorite look on you. All natural, and with no makeup, You turned 18 last week, and believe this world doesn’t look your way unless you to look like this.
I asked you to send me some birthday pics, and you sent these. Which girl looks happier? Release the happy one.
I have studied this picture of Brett and you. He is the love of your life right now, but years from now, will he still be? Will you be married, and have puppies instead of children?
Looking into your eyes, I can’t see you, but you are in there.
The authentic self is hanging on by a thread. Don’t wake up one year before your 50th birthday and decide to follow you heart. Let it lead and guide you down a path of happiness.
In four more days, she will be 18. My darling daughter.
I’ve always thought of her as older, and wise beyond her years. It was 5 years ago that we ventured out on our own. What a brave little girl, to leave everything she knew, for the unknown. I hope she always leaves her comfort zone.
Do we give up a chunk of our lives for our children?
My daughter and I have shared our lives. She has watched her Mama grow up, just as I have watched her. She has big wings, but they are still developing. I believe this year has been the year of finding myself, so I am ready when she flies. I don’t worry about her, so she shouldn’t worry about me. When she sees me stepping off the path she says,
Is this what you gave up a 25 year marriage for?
We take care of one another, and this song makes us cry. My darling daughter, you are my life, but you have also given me yours. May we fly in sequence, but always find our way home.
I still drench the Boston Ferns twice a day. It is hot in Texas, and they hang outside. I would want to be drenched too.
Letting go is a continuous process. Before I brought home my first plant, I drank my own medicine, and posted this.
A lady commented, “If you don’t like what stays, you have a decision to make.” I let it all go, and chose what stayed.
I thought I was clearing my platter to make room for more.
When I was actually clearing a space to make room for me.
There is an Asparagus Fern on the porch, that has been moved a dozen times. It didn’t look happy, or that it was getting everything it needed to thrive. Knowing they can take full sun, and shade, it was a challenge finding the right spot.
“I’m loving the metaphor of your plants as they bloom and grow. Your posts feel like fresh water to my dry roots xx”
Thanks to that comment, I knew where to move the Asparagus Fern.
It receives the overflow from the drenching of where this began. My cup runneth over. Catch the overflow.
I was on my way to an AA meeting yesterday, and stopped by to see Stephanie. She is my plant Guru. I’m not sure she realizes the magnificent healing she has brought to my life through these plants she encouraged me to bring home. It was time to buy my first one that would bloom. I spotted a pot that made me smile, and the plant we chose is big!
She told me it is a good plastic one, but it looked real!
On the way home, I stopped at a small Farmer’s Market.
There is something about people sitting in 100 degree heat, that deserve our attention. A young lady was sitting at a table filled with bottles of honey. We began talking, and she invited me to her church. I listened as she told me more.
What made my ears perk was a study they have on Wednesday nights. It’s by Beth Moore, entitled, “Believing God.” I did this study years ago, and it was enlightening.
Believing God is what I’ve been doing, but it would be nice to do the study again. She is going to text me a reminder, but I was standing there because of the label on her honey.
Aren’t we supposed to Bee Love? I believe so.
As I was walking away she said, “I am looking for a mentor! A Godly woman I can model my life after.” I didn’t respond, but Wednesday night I will be at that study. I hear you God.
As I was leaving Stephanie’s, she said the main thing people ask her is how to grow a Boston Fern. The thought intimidated me too, but they are huge now! I told her about mine, and she said, “If you can grow a Boston Fern, you are the bomb!” All I did was care. I hugged Stephanie and said, “You make my life more beautiful.” She exclaimed, “That made my day!” She helped give me my beautiful life back.
God knows when we are ready to bloom. Can you feel it?.
July has taught me what makes the heart happy, and sad.
Making up my bed this morning, and catching a glimpse of the Happiness sign, I stopped making it up, and changed the sheets. That made my heart happy. They will feel good tonight.
Detachment is a word commonly used in Letting Go. Today, I saw the word, ‘Unattached’, and that felt softer. Detachment always left me feeling cold, and that’s not me.
I imagined strings attached to my heart, and they would attach to another heart, or circumstance. Anything that made the heart happy. When something occurs that made the heart sad, a string would break, and fall away. Over time with repetition, the heart becomes unattached. What used to excite the heart doesn’t phase it now. The strings are gone.