It’s Old School

I visit people almost daily. Just to ask how their life is going, and then listen. Sometimes, it’s just for a hug if I sense they need one. Never turn down a heartfelt hug. It’s healing.

It’s old school, and that is where I enjoy being today.

Every now and then, I leave my phone at home on purpose, just to check and see if I miss it. Can’t say that I have. The person I’m with is more important than what my phone is doing. It’s like saying, “I love you more than my phone.”

I wrote this a couple of nights ago:

My daughter and I are sitting here quietly typing on our laptops. She has Classical Piano softly playing in the background. It’s peaceful, and the kind of moment you want to last indefinitely. I appreciate at her young age that she effortlessly creates moments like this. She will pass them along to her family, and they will have moments.

Breaking the ties to my phone, and social media is one of the best things I’ve done all year. To be present, and enjoy what’s happening in the now. My daughter told me in June, “You are always staring at that phone!” Now she tells me when it makes a noise, and I can’t remember where it is. She doesn’t see my hunting for it, over spending time with her.

As Gibbs would say, “It’s old school.” Well Gibbs, I like it.

Mark-Harmon

Gibbs is portrayed by Mark Harmon on the TV show, NCIS.

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You Haveta Wanna

This Blog post is for anyone suffering from an addiction.

To overcome the addiction, you have to want to. Your ‘want to‘ has to become bigger than it. God created us to be overcomers, and because He has overcome the world, there is nothing we cannot overcome through Him.

I give credit to AA for giving me the relationship I have with God today. The first 3 steps are all about God, and this scares some people away, but He took the desire to drink away from me. I will happily spend the rest of my life serving Him, because I get to enjoy life sober.

There will always be an excuse to drink. Someone asked me once, “How do you know you’re an alcoholic?” Because normal people can have one drink, and stop. My one drink was the entire bottle of wine. To numb the feelings that were bubbling up inside of me. When I stopped drinking, I had to feel those feelings. With sobriety there is no hiding.

When you stop drinking, you meet all the parts of yourself you have been at war with. Face them.

If I didn’t face my feelings, I would drink, but I also knew those same feelings would still be there once I sobered up again. Pouring alcohol over those feelings was a temporary fix, not to mention all the stupid stuff I did while drinking.

That just added to the horror of what I was trying to drown.

It’s no big secret how to stay sober. Go to meetings. That means I have to shower, get in my truck, and drive, and then walk into a room full of strangers. Not necessarily. You can sit in front of a computer screen in an online meeting. I did that. I also drank wine while watching what was being said in that online meeting. You cannot hide and stay sober.

My fear of waking up hungover, and not remembering what I said and did is real. I will go to any length to enjoy this life God has given me sober. My ‘want to’ is bigger than any fear.

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Coffee and Chocolate

My daughter called lastnight, and we chatted for a while.

She asked, “How is everything?” I said, “Just beautiful! Except, there is no chocolate in this house!” Two females need chocolate available at a moments notice, so that will be fixed.

I’ve been going to bed earlier, and waking up earlier.

This morning, I sat on the porch, and watched the sunrise. It was stunningly beautiful. Then it was time for coffee.

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There is something about pouring hot liquid, into a cracked cup. It’s made of fine china, and allows me to trust that it is going to hold that liquid. I carry it with the saucer underneath, just in case it decides to give in to the crack.

When my daughter and I were packing to leave my marriage, we had one rule of thumb. She wasn’t sure what to take, and what to leave, so I asked her, “Do you love it? If you love it, and will use it, then pack it up.” This caused me to ponder what I had in the house that I loved, but didn’t use.

This china was only used at Christmas. The rest of the time, it was displayed in the china cabinet with all of the other, ‘look but don’t touch’ items. It was time for that to change.

I packed up the china, and we use it like everyday plates.

My daughter knows I’m not big into Halloween, but I love fall. Last year, she bought me a pumpkin covered in sequins. I said, “I’m going to have to find our fall decoration pumpkin, and set it out.” She wasn’t as amused as I was.

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I saw this yesterday, and brought it home. A year ago, I would have walked right by it because it’s real. Taking care of plants this year gave me this philosophy. It will either thrive, or we will enjoy it while it’s here. She says the Boston Ferns on the front porch are so huge, they are obnoxious.

I’m excited about seeing her today, and hearing about her travels. Time to head out for some coffee and chocolate.

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The More I Learn, the Less I Know.

I’ve read more books this year, than three years combined.

I’m reading Melodie Beattie’s, Finding Your Way Home, for the second time. It made me desire for more people to have this level of self-awareness, and self-love. When I began this Blog, it was to show people that a beautiful life is attainable. That was my goal, so now that it’s achieved, what’s next?

I really don’t know, but I’m willing to be patient, and find out.

This year, I detached from Social Media. It was very difficult to do, but it’s done. Three times last week, I left the house without my phone. I didn’t turn the truck around to go get it, and had a beautiful time in town connecting with people.

I’ve become a part of the AA community again. Online is not the same as in person. You get to laugh, and hear others laugh, and that hug at the end of a meeting is irreplaceable.

Technology is helpful in the world, but it can’t replace the human touch.

I found it to be easier to post an encouraging Meme everyday, than to spend time sitting with an actual person.

Memes are not moments.

Every new beginning, starts with an ending. Are people willing to draw a line in the sand, and end the life they have to begin again? I don’t know. It takes grit and grace to do so.

The list is long of what I don’t know, but time reveals all. If you asked me, “How long does it take to attain a beautiful life?”, my initial answer would be, “Five years.” Thinking about it more in-depth, it took my whole life up to this point.

Knowing and Believing

“You have the power to guide your life in the direction you want.” You have heard this before, but do you believe it?

Knowing and believing are different things, but they work together. They can work for, or against each other.

Do you know what you believe? This is not what you think. That is another topic. What you know to be true because you have seen it with your own eyes. Not what you’ve heard.

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All I wanted was a beautiful life. That was all.

I didn’t make this life happen. I didn’t run out and get two jobs to provide for my daughter and me. My daughter needed me home, and I wanted to enjoy this life with her, so I kept a part time job working from home. We have not had a need that hasn’t been met, otherwise we didn’t need it.

What you know is what you’ve believed up to this moment.

Enjoy the Day

My daughter and I don’t own a television, by choice.

Nothing good was added to our life from the noise.

You can hear the natural flow of the day when there is no additional noise. The air conditioning is blowing steadily through the air vent above my head. Sitting in the middle of my bed while typing, the cool air is landing on the back of my neck, arms, and shoulders. There is a ceiling fan in the room, but I cannot hear it spinning over the air conditioning.

There several reasons I let go of my phone, but the noise was a big one. Even turning it to silent, it would light up with quiet noise. I tested myself this week, and left my phone at home while out with my daughter. The only part I missed was the ability to take a picture of our moments together.

I’ve never carried a camera, but maybe that is what’s next.

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To Be True

Life is beautiful, and we are taking time to cultivate it.

I saw the gradual movement of change. My daughter painted her room, and I fell in love with the feel. Walking into my own room, it didn’t give me that feel. Looking at paint colors, then testing samples, and voila! My room has that feel with completely different colors. How is that possible? We know what feels good, and both rooms do, but on different levels.

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I chose the true red over faded red, to remind myself to be true. The happiness sign hung over my bed, but I moved it to the opposite wall. When I wake up, I lay there for a moment, and ponder it’s meaning for the day. Each day holds different levels of happiness. To get good with that and just be.

I don’t have to jump out of bed anymore, and embrace the day. It’s best for me to travel through the day, and acknowledge uncertainty. People are walking in and out of my life, and I am letting them. Melody Beattie was referring to being in the middle of God’s will. We love God’s will, “but not usually while it’s working itself out.” This is true.

The place we pray to be in is uncomfortable to sit in.

Shades of PINK commented on one of my Facebook posts today with, “Perfect place to ‘BE.'” It was picture perfect. To just ‘be’ is not always how we picture it, or perfect.

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My daughter sent me that Meme. My feelings change from day to day, but God doesn’t change, and I know that to be true.

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The Sad Shelf

When my daughter and I go to a garden center, we take a look at the sad shelf. This is the shelf of plants, drastically reduced in price from over-watering. They all look sad.

Maybe that is why I started caring for plants. If I could care for them properly, and give them a healthy environment, then I could do the same for me. The plants and I are growing.

The people traveling with us on our journey should add to our happiness. If we are not surrounded by happiness, it’s time to take a look at the people we allowed onto our path.

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There is a role for everyone we meet, but how healthy are they? How well they care for themselves, is how well they care for you. The sad shelf is not a pretty place to be.

This One Life

This morning I woke up and walked right by my phone. It’s laying on the table in another room. There are times during the day I lose track of it completely. It’s quiet, and so am I.

I saw a quote that said, “Technology was created to save us time.” I don’t know about you, but it was taking up most of my time. Now, the occasional glance at Social Media from my laptop is all the time it receives. I’m not isolating from the world, but I did step away from anything that wasn’t healthy for my heart. My heart is becoming more tender, and it’s growing in this environment, just like the plants. To have a tender heart, you have to hang around the tenderhearted.

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I was holding the final straw in many areas of my life. When it snapped, so did I. Knowing who I am, I drank my own medicine, and let go of everything and everybody.

My life is completely different today than a month ago. By stepping away from everything I was doing, allows God to show me what He wants done. I told myself I was encouraging people on social media for Him. There are plenty of people doing a great job at that, so God has more in store. Social Media is not going anywhere, so I left.

Choose how you spend your life, and who gets to join you.

God has given my daughter and me a simply beautiful life.

I’m present, and participating fully in the one around me.

I Bled Out

A few months ago, my daughter said, “You’re always staring at that phone!” She looks at hers too, but mainly to connect with friends. I was checking all my Social Media accounts.

Something was going to change, and it was me.

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I’ve done pretty much the same thing the past few years.

I’m finding balance between people and technology.

Is the phone a tool, or a lifeline? How do you use yours?

It helps us stay connected to those we love, but I became loved out. I allowed my phone to be shut off for 3 weeks, and I didn’t miss it. The only thing I missed was calling my sister, and hearing her voice. I even printed out some of my Blogs, and mailed them to her to let her see what I’ve been doing.

I use a laptop, or pen to paper to write. No phone.

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God has given me two more Blogs, but WordPress is where I began. The WordPress community is an actual community. When someone outside of WordPress reads your Blog, they cannot like, or comment without opening an account. If they are not already in WordPress, they have to join. No likes or comments from friends outside WordPress. ‘Social’ Media?

Do you know how much of you is in your phone?

Do you know it’s big business to sell contact information?

How would you feel if it fell in water and you lost it all?

Can you leave the house without it, and enjoy yourself?

These are just a few things I learned without my phone. Why did I turn it back on? My landlord tried contacting me, and when I didn’t respond, he was worried something was wrong. I told him it was shut off, and he couldn’t fathom it.

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This is our kitten and his name is John Cena.

My daughter named him, and it’s fun yelling JOHHHHHHN CEEEEENA all day. He knows his name, and walks into view when we call him. Unless, he is asleep somewhere.

He isn’t allowed in our bedrooms, but yesterday, I was sitting in bed, writing in a journal, and dozed off. When I awoke, John Cena was not only in my room, but in my bed! His paws wrapped around my ankle, and using my bare foot as his pillow. I just sat there wishing I had my phone to snap a pic.

My daughter said, “It’s a good thing you had your phone in the bed, so you could snap that pic.” I didn’t have my phone. Luckily, John stayed put while I found it. I bought my daughter a small plaque that says, “I love you more than my phone.” It feels good to say that, but even better to feel it.