Mr Smith on Medium

I wrote about Mr Smith on Medium.

You can view it here. Thank you. xx

Eye See You

I started a Blog yesterday, but didn’t allow myself time to finish, and publish it. This 30 day challenge of writing is showing me many things. Not everything has to be published.

Yesterday, I drove to the lake to see Mr. Smith. On the drive here, I watched as the outdoor temperature dropped. Checking the weather before I left prompted me to pack items for 70 degree weather. The temperature outside went from the 70’s to the 50’s upon arrival.

Mr. Smith had the doors, and windows of the house open. He had been enjoying the 70 degree temps as well. I walked in, and saw him standing in the sliding glass doorway, and he looked so different. We had not seen each other since Christmas, but we talk everyday. He was wearing flannel lounging pants, a white tank, and had a bandanna tied over his hair.

Mr. Smith is a Chef, and yesterday he looked the part. He looked at ease in his skin.

It caught me off guard, and I tried to respond naturally, but I could not connect. I know who he is, and what he is, but my heart was arguing with my head. We were disconnected.

I started pondering what love is, and that is what I started writing about. Today, I see what my eyes were seeing, and what my heart was showing me. Let’s look at a few examples of love in action. There are many ways he displays his love, but for the sake of brevity, we will stick with examples from yesterday, starting with the state of the house.

Chef knows I live an uncluttered life. He has been doing some ‘spring cleaning’ he says, but I see it differently. The closets, and inside the cabinets have all been cleaned out and organized. We are attempting to merge our two lives into one. I haven’t moved my belongings here, but now there is room. You can look around and tell that Chef shares his life.

He has a knack of doing things for both of us, but I believe I receive the biggest thrill. Chef and I love music. Our taste in music are different, but one thing we know. It feeds our soul.

He bought something easy for me to play music on. Before yesterday, I had to try and figure out his sound system, and it was hit or miss for me. This morning when he left for work, I hit two buttons, and was quickly listening to my favorite  Jennifer Nettles CD.

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To clear a spot for our simple sound system, he put his knife collection in a closet, but as you can see, he left my Jesus Calling devotional laying out. This is a picture of happiness.

I’ve had a difficult time recently with my part time job, but that is another Blog. Between the stress I was feeling from that, my boob stinging from the radiation, and then this disconnect, I was a mess. I went and laid across the bed, and watched the wind blow outside. Chef came back to check on me, but he knew I was off center, so he gave me space.

Then, I heard it. The music. It started out slow, and soothing, but then it changed.

Chef was in the kitchen, doing what he loves to do. Cook! He was actually cooking a spectacular dinner that I was supposed to be helping with, but I wasn’t done pouting.

He changed the music to country, which I love. I heard Brad Paisley, and some of the greats singing away. Then the music changed again, but this time, it almost made me cry.

I heard Lionel Richie. Ladies, if your man plays Lionel Richie, that man loves you.

By this time, I was back in front of my laptop trying to do my job, but I could feel the words to each song drifting down the hallway to where I was sitting. Chef was trying to reach me without being in my face. He gave me my 3 minute heads up on dinner being plated as I finished my work. Joining him at the dining room table, I felt like a big bowl of mush.

He will read this Blog at some point today, and I’m grateful he doesn’t embarrass easily. I was concerned for half a minute what he would think, but who am I kidding? He already knows all of this; he knew it yesterday. Chef sees everything, but best of all, he sees me.

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Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, and she loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of 2016 that she had Breast Cancer. She has completed Chemo, and is going through Radiation. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

You Are Sexy

I came home from Chemo treatment today, and it wasn’t long, I was ready to rest. It’s important to listen to my body now, more than ever. There is one area I have been struggling with though. The changes on the outside are messing with my sexiness.

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I sent my man this pic today, letting him know I was going to rest. It reminded me of a picture I sent him early on in our relationship. He had gone to Colorado for a week, to a family reunion. The pic was like this one, except I was wearing white.

You can tell by my eyes, I miss him. Even though, I just saw him hours ago. He went to listen to the doctor, and he sat through Chemo with me. He sat across from me, and watched me sleep. How exciting is that? He said I was cute in the chair.

His response to this pic today was one word. “Sexy.”

That is all I needed to hear. He is such a magnificent, “Beholder.” Talking over the weekend, he swears I haven’t changed. He still sees me as the woman he fell in love with.

I see less hair, and I’ve lost a little weight. I now know how men feel about that receding hairline. My hair was grey in front, so when Mr. Smith shaved it super short, the grey patches look very interesting. They are vague, so it looks like nothing is there. Just fuzz.

I have a Blog in mind to tell you what God did in that doctor’s office today, but this has been on my heart and mind. He doesn’t see what I see. Ladies…give your man a break. We are much too hard on ourselves. The Letting Go Lessons has a chapter focused on Negative Sexuality. It is the very last lesson, and it took me months to look at it. Best lesson ever!

The first picture I sent to Mr. Smith, while he was in Colorado, he liked. He liked it so much, I think he sent it to his Mother, and showed everyone at that reunion! I was so embarrassed, but he saw nothing wrong with it. The eye of the Beholder Beauties. It’s not what we see, it’s what they see, even if we think it’s not so pretty. You are still sexy, even during Chemo.

Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. She loves dipping cookies in her coffee in the morning and has a pretty healthy obsession for chocolate. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was what stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life today is an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

Stork and Me

Three years ago, I told God I wanted nothingness. Just put me in nothingness. Well, it’s true when they say, “Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it!” He plopped me on 40 acres, with my daughter, and a new beginning.

piermcdadeWhen I knew it was past time for me to leave my marriage of 25 years, I prayed the God would show us where to go. At first, I was hoping my daughter and I would be able to stay in our home, and that my husband would leave. He wasn’t leaving, and I guess he thought I wouldn’t either. He had another thing coming.

I was so hungry for more. Beauty, peace, joy, happiness, and a life reflecting His very best. I couldn’t really fathom what that would look like, because He is God, but I knew it had to be better than where I had allowed myself to be. It was that faithful day, I was standing outside, and my daughter walked up to me and said, “Mama? Are you ever gonna smile again?” It was time for a huge leap of faith.

If you want to read all about Stork, and what He’s meant in my life, you can do so here. I believe God will give us signs we are on the right path. Stork has been mine.

storkI didn’t know where to go. Where would be our new home? My daughter started looking, and found a house an hour away from where we were. We looked at several houses, but none of them seemed quite right. When she found this one, I asked, “Where the heck is McDade, TX?” We drove to find out.

After looking at numerous houses, I was ready for a sign. I asked God to make it crystal clear, if this was going to be our new home. Make it obscenely obvious, because sometimes I need that. We met the man that owned the little house, at the house, and he showed us around. I knew it was when Mr. Rick said the exact same words as I had asked God. He said, “What do you think? Is this your new home?” Knocked me over.

It was still a scary process, waking up out in the middle of nowhere. We were surrounded by 40 acres, and lots of wildlife. Mr. Rick, and his wife, Patricia, lived across the pond from us, so we weren’t completely alone. God has His Angels firmly planted. I still laugh when I think back at the first time I called them at 2:00 am, after hearing footsteps on the porch.I-know

No honey, those were hooves, not feet. We had our first encounter with wild boar. “Stay inside”, she said. “They are just as afraid of you, as you are of them.” I wasn’t so sure. We bought a shotgun, but never had to use it. God had our backs.

Stepping out onto the front porch of that little house for the first time, coffee in hand, it looked just like nothingness. I asked God, “If this is where we’re supposed to be…If we are on Your path, You gotta show me something please.”

My eyes were drawn down to the left, where a pond and a pier stood still. At the end of that pier, was the most beautiful Great Blue Heron! He was just standing there majestically, with complete confidence, which at the time I didn’t have. He looked at me as if to say, “Good morning Dear. God sent me to tell you. Welcome home.” It was absolutely beautiful!

That was years ago, but Stork is still in my life today. While visiting Mr. Smith, and his lake was newly recovering from the drought, I gazed out my writing room window, and spotted him. Same stance, same message as before.

He is still here today, and I love watching him fly in to catch his breakfast. He doesn’t stay long, but just a glimpse is all I desire. Jeremiah 29:11 says it all Beautiful Souls. He has a good plan. If you are sitting in nothingness, it just might be your new home. That house is where God healed me from all the hurt from my past. That is where I became a Letting Go Coach.

That leap of faith was the first step of a new life, and a life of beauty. I don’t know if I will ever know what God’s very best looks like, but I’m going to enjoy the journey, and the little glimpses He gives. I’m obviously on the right path.

 

 

Just Be Brave

I have not thought of myself as brave. I can be a Badass, but that occurs when  something, or someone pushes me too far. My daughters says, ‘At that point, you better run.’

blog1I have just enough redneck in me to be scary. People are calling me brave for this Breast Cancer Journey I’m on.

The ones that are brave, are the ones that went before me, and shared their story. This lights my path, and helps ease my fear of the unknown. Those women are Badasses.

Fear is of the devil himself. His goal is to kill, steal, and destroy. He is such a coward, and you will notice this, if you look at when he attacks. It’s in the timing of it all.  While we sleep, and right before we wake up is my fave.

 

me (135x240)No matter what you’re going through, you are not alone. Another tactic of the devil, is to keep you in solitude. Put that stinkin’ devil under your feet! I knew God wanted me to share this journey, but at first I was afraid. I’m more afraid of being disobedient to God than anything else.

Surround yourself with people who will love you through it. Mr. Smith shaved my hair down to almost the skin this weekend. It was falling out anyways, but it took time and patience from a good man, to get me there. He is a chef, so he tied a bandana to resemble a Chef’s cap.

Be brave Beauties, and unleash the Badass in you. To feel truly alive, you must live.

P.S. Another fear of mine was the port for Chemo. You can see the stitches in this pic. I love wearing tank tops when it’s warm, but there again, the shame. My daughter said, “Own that tank top Mama! You look like you got into a bar fight, got stabbed in the chest, and won!” Haha Let people believe in you, until you can believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. She loves dipping cookies in her coffee in the morning and has a pretty healthy obsession for chocolate. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was what stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life today is an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

This Is Only A Test

If you read my Blog yesterday, you know, I’ve been on vacation in Colorado with limited Internet. The home we’re staying in didn’t have it, so we would drive into town to find it. This is my last day here and it was installed today.

First and foremost, kudos goes out to Mr. Smith. He has been so patient with me this week. When you consider, everything I do is conducted virtually, it was not pretty the first few days. He is in the kitchen right now, being who he is, a Chef. I’m in the same room I was yesterday, typing this Blog with the windows open, listening to the musical sound of the river. This time, I’m not typing a word document to copy and paste later in town. I am actually online.

We respect one another for who we are and what we do. While he is in the kitchen, no one enters. Oh, it’s tempting, but one look from him and I know better. He plays music very loudly, and it’s a mixture of everything. I can hear it echoing through the house, down the hallway to the room I’m in. He just popped his head in the door, and asked if I was going to stay in here all night. I won’t, but it is a struggle not to stop and close the door on some of that music.

lakeI have spent almost a week in Colorado and it’s been beautiful. When people tell you to drink plenty of water in high altitude, listen to them. I was in a world of pain from dehydration. Drinking my usual, coffee in the morning, hot tea in the evening, and sips of water during the day wasn’t enough. I spent all day yesterday drinking water and my body thanked me today.

I know my body pretty well, but had not felt anything like this before. Once we pinpointed it was the change in elevation, about 6,000 feet, I knew what to do. With no distraction from technology, I was able to hear from God quite often. God gave me insight into the future of my writing, coaching, work, this school year for my daughter, my relationships and Himself.

The repacking process will begin this evening, to head back to Texas. My daughter turns sweet sixteen this Saturday and I wouldn’t miss it. We haven’t seen one another in over a week and that’s been an adjustment as well. We are best friends and she is a light in my life.

This was definitely a week of tiny tests, and I hope I passed them. There were a lot of little things that occurred, too many to list here, that were lessons. Being here placed me in present moment to present moment as I listened and learned. Gratitude is running high, for the friends and family God has given me and the love I have in my life today.

 

blackandwhiteBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 15 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a LetItgocoach and help others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and is working on her first book.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

Wish Me Goodnight

I fell asleep texting Mr. Smith lastnight. We were talking and I dozed off and felt bad for doing that. Woke up in the middle of the night searching the bed for my phone. He knew what had happened, but he still wished me goodnight.

I have only had three long lasting relationships in my life. Some would say the first one doesn’t count because I was young and stupid. They all count and prepare you for what’s next. Each one gives you a sense of what is good for you.

blogI’ll be the first to admit, I’m not the easiest person to love. Being an independent woman and following God’s path, there is not a lot of needs. Maybe every man wants to feel needed, but I have learned to need God.

What I want and what God wants for me are two different things. The same applies to my relationship with Mr. Smith. He is not love on demand and he will Make Me Wait. What I want and what he thinks I need are two different things, just like between God and me. Mr. Smith is good for me.

I tease him frequently that he doesn’t treat me right and he watches while I have my fits. I have had many a fit before God too and He watches and waits for me to get done. Sometime I feel like the child in public putting on a show trying to get their way. This usually mean a big time out for me.

God and Mr. Smith have my best interests at heart. Mr. Smith can touch me through technology or in person. He knows the little things are important and even though I fell asleep, he still texted me our goodnight message. Waking up and seeing that filled my heart into this day. A full heart is what God wants and that’s good for Mr. Smith and me.

 

blackandwhiteBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 15 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a Let It Go Coach and help others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and is working on her first book.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com