Keep Fighting What

I backslid this morning and went down to the corner store for a cup of coffee. I’ve barely had any coffee with this round of Chemo. The trip to the store wasn’t about coffee after all.

Three days ago, I wrote a Blog and mentioned a song by Phillips, Craig, and Dean. Randy Phillips have been associated with a church in Austin, TX called Promiseland for years.  Standing at the counter of the store this morning, a lady walked up and started talking to me. I had met her before, and it was such a blessing just to take the time to catch up.

We walked outside, and she said something that quickly got my attention. She asked if I was familiar with Promisland Church Austin, and I told her yes. They are bringing a satellite church September 11th to Lockhart, TX. Literally 10 minutes from where I live. We exchanged phone numbers and made plans to go together. So glad I went for that coffee.

This is how God moves in my life.

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I saw this Meme earlier this week and saved it. Didn’t really know why at the time, but today, it makes sense. I noticed that this round of Chemo was trying to kick my butt. I’ve been on a vicious cycle of eating, and sleep the week of, and my quality of life was suffering.

My daughter was visiting a friend last weekend, and this gave me time to ponder who I wanted to be, versus who I was becoming. I was allowing my current circumstances to dictate my quality of life. This was crap. I am better than this, so Monday morning things changed. I made a list of what I wanted to accomplish and started working on the list.

I’ve acquired a new curiosity for life. The things I listed are things God has shown me, that I had put on the back burner due to lack of energy. It was time to look at what I wanted, who I wanted to be, and get to work. My body has been through hell, and I’ve been caring for the inside with good nutrition. It was time to show some care to the outer shell, so Yoga began.

I started doing Yoga 3 years ago and loved it. It makes my body happy, and I’m a firm believer in using your body to strengthen itself. This lead to reading more about it, and downloading some other books that I’ve been curious about. Strengthening the mind, and body so to speak. I got everything accomplished on my list, so today we have a new one.

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Rebuilding myself from where I am today. People have often said to me, “Keep fighting.” That sounded strange because it didn’t feel like a fight. The Chemo was fighting the Cancer, but I discovered what I was fighting for was my life. Not to get lost in the circumstances, and not to become my circumstances. I am not the same woman I was in March. I am better.

I said to someone yesterday, “This has been a remarkable journey.” He said, “I’ve never heard it described that way before.” That is probably true because it’s easy to let the Chemo become bigger than you. Get curious about life again. Muster up all the strength you have and use it to start over. This journey is coming to an end, but it took me straight to a new one.

 

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Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Part of her mission is to show people they can start over at 50. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

You’re Not Alone

My daughter went to visit a girlfriend Friday evening, and she’s coming home today. I was all alone, but I wasn’t lonely. There is nothing wrong with alone time, and sometimes it’s much needed. We are the only person we actually have in this world, so we need to like us.

I read a comment earlier by a lady on Facebook, and it took me back in time. She has been in an unhappy marriage, for 30 years, and just couldn’t take it anymore. I was in a marriage for 25 years, and I remember that feeling. Once I made the decision to leave, it was like everything lined up in the Universe, and it all fell into place. It wasn’t easy, but so worth it.

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I believe this Meme to be true. I couldn’t see any way out of that marriage. All I saw were roadblocks, and impossibilities. I had no money to speak of, and no family to help, but God had a way. The first thing on my list, was to find a place to live. My daughter found a house for rent an hour away from where we lived. It was like the owners were just waiting for us.

We moved in 30 days later, and my daughter and I relearned how to relax, and enjoy life.

That became part of my mission. To show people they can have a beautiful life after 50. I believe some think 50 years old is too late to start over, but it’s not. If anything it’s rather sweet to have all this life experience, and start your life over. I’ve done less stupid things.

Doing what I see possible, hands the baton to God to do the impossible.

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Stress is worrying God can’t do His job . When we depend on Him, and trust His plan, there is no stress. Unless we decide to stress ourselves out with the unknowing of it all. As I was sitting alone yesterday, I reminded myself, everything I need comes from God, not man. He promises to never leaves us, or forsake us, and I believe our part is to never leave Him.

Something else I thought of as I sat alone, was a song by Phillips, Craig and Dean. “You Are God Alone“, is the name of the song. I love the lyrics, and will share some of the with you.

You are not a god
Created by human hands
You are not a god
Dependent on any mortal man
You are not a god
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[Chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

From before time began, God was God alone. He is not in need of anything from us, because He is God. I love the way it says, “That’s just the way it is.” No explanation needed. Even in my alone time, I am not alone. My hope is that you know, even if you feel alone, you’re not.

 

mescarf (135x240)

Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Part of her mission is to show people they can start over at 50. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

Scoop and Skim

It took me 50 years to learn the art of napping. All I can say lovelies is, be a faster learner than me. We all have 24 hours in a day. It’s how we use them that brings quality to life.

1Holmes Backyard Photographs

This is a photo of my backyard 10 years ago. When we bought this house, the backyard resembled a football field, cradled by these Texas Live Oaks. It took me 3 years to surrender to having this pool put in. It took a certain pool company to even attempt it. Most companies wanted to bulldoze the trees down, so they would have a clean, easy slate.

My then husband was a designer, and he loved landscape design, so he had it all figured out.

That pool was my first glimpse into the present moment. I love hands on type work, where you can see the fruits of your labor. The pool company showed me how to take care of it, and give it’s weekly maintenance. This was one of the first, successful saltwater pools, so if we had a hard rain, it would beat all the salt out. Nothing like waking up to a green pool!

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Here is a bird’s eye view. This was the backyard, so you can imagine what all needed taking care of inside the house. That was my life. Taking care of man-made beauty. Did it bring me joy? One small part of it did. Turning on the waterfall, and gazing into the clear blue water.

The maintenance entailed turning all power off, and backwashing the pump. Unrolling many feet of hose, and placing the end far away from any flowers for the dirty water to have a safe place to go. Roll the hose up back up tightly with precision, and then dumping 50lb bags of salt into the pool. That was the chemical part. Now it was time to scoop and scrub.

This was my favorite part. I would take a long handled net, and walk along all the large rocks you see encompassing the pool. Scooping and skimming the surface of all the debris from those blasted trees. The trees brought some shade, but they were mainly left there for looks. If it looked good, it stayed, no matter the financial cost, or the price I paid personally.

Fast-forward 10 years, and today my life is simple. The house I live in today is about the size of the guest house sitting behind that pool. The monthly payment on that house, was more than I make in a month today. When I left that life behind, all I had was God, my daughter, and me. I can see the natural beauty of life, and have time to care for ‘who’, and not ‘what’.

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I recall moving into our first little house, almost 4 years ago, and staring at the bed. I could not remember the last time I took a nap, because I wanted to, not because I had run myself down. I announced to my daughter in the other room, “I’m taking a nap.” She didn’t question it, but surely she thought it was odd. I fell across that bed, and let myself rest.

I believe God taught me that for a reason. It was normally just a 20 to 30 minute power nap. Anything longer than 30 minutes made me feel worse. I got napping down to a science, and saw that if I took better care of me, I was able to take better care of those who needed me.

My quality of life is based on the time I give it. God, and Chemo have taught me I have very little control over the way I feel, and what I can accomplish in a day. I am just grateful to be writing this the day after Chemo! I have been strong for 30 years, so I discard that cape, and trust God in every area of my life. What do you need to scoop and skim out of your life?

 

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Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

Back to Chemo

I fell asleep early lastnight. Netflix continually lost the audio of the show I was trying to watch, so I just gave up, and shut everything down, including me. Perks of adulthood.

I woke up around 3:30 am, and remembered what day it is. My three week break from Chemo is coming to an end. Today is the Monday before Chemo Tuesday. There are so many feelings that go along with that thought. My first thought was, this is #2, out of four, so I’m almost halfway done. I am learning so much along this path, and one thing is, God is big.

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I have been sitting on this Meme for a while now. Just pondering it’s meaning, and today I see what it means to me in so many ways. There are no surprises to God. He knows our life story, because He is the Author, so me going through Chemo is no big shocker for Him.

Looking back, I can see how everything just fell into place. My daughter and I have lived on our own, with God’s guidance, for almost 4 years. It was my job to keep her safe, and care for her the best way I knew how. Living life together, one day at a time, has brought me an extreme amount of joy. Today, it would seem, our roles have reversed thanks to Chemo.

I didn’t know I would be battling Breast Cancer this year, but God did. It gives me great comfort knowing He has already gone before me to fight this battle, and God always wins.

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John 13:7 says, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

My daughter started driving the day she got her permit. We were leaving the DMV, and she asked, “Can I drive?” That was about a year ago. She learned to drive with my Ford F150, and I told her, “If you can drive this truck, you can drive almost anything.” It was hard for me to sit in the passenger seat at times, but she never put a scratch on it. She’s an excellent driver.

Daddy stepped in at Christmas, and gave her a car. Actually, he bought her two. The first one he bought, was her dream machine. A canary yellow, 2010, Chevy Camaro SS. I was amazed, and told him, “Uh, No.” She had been dreaming about this car, and he had searched the ends of the earth to find it. It was the hardest thing ever for me to say no.

He then bought her a more sensible car. Still sporty, but safer. Great gas mileage, and a thumpin’  sound system which is vital to her. He still has the Camaro parked behind his office. I am sure she drives it every chance she gets, but she now sees why it was a no. It’s way too much car for her at this time. Knowing her, she will grow into it, and it will be hers.

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IF she hadn’t started driving when she did, I wouldn’t have a live in driver to Chemo.

What started out as something that had to be done, has turned into something she wants to do. She wants to drive me, and care for me in this way. It was very difficult for me to allow this to happen, but I knew I couldn’t drive myself. Chemo has helped me surrender to areas of my life that I couldn’t before. Sometimes, I have to tell myself no, and let people care for me.

Today, I will clean house, and restock the fridge. Even though I don’t know how I will feel after Tuesday, I can prepare. Healthy snacks are a must after Chemo. I think I’ll buy flowers too. The last time I encountered The Red Devil, which is A/C’s nickname, I slept for 3 days. It took another 2 days to feel somewhat human again, and 6 days to have a clear thought.

You may not hear much from me this week. I know what to do after Chemo, which is not a lot. Letting my body and mind rest is all I know to do. I may not know much of God’s plan, but I know He has one. I would have never imagined Chemo would be a part of it, but this path is only temporary. He is teaching me patience, because we are nowhere near done yet.

 

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Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

Them Gilmore Girls

I heard the best line ever yesterday. My daughter, and I were sitting in a restaurant, when this little old man approached our table. He nodded at my bald head and said, “Is it medical? Or do you want your head to look that way?” I busted out laughing, he smiled, and it was all good.

I thought when I lost my hair thanks to Chemo, I would learn how to tie all these beautiful scarves to cover my head. Well, that didn’t happen. I live in Texas so, scarves are hot! In the beginning stages, I thought I was covering my head to make myself less scary looking.  It turns out, I was covering it to mask what I am going through. No scarf? People approach.

This has been a week of love, and learning. My daughter turns 17 on Monday, August 8th. I took time and gave her a little something each day that reminded me of our life together, or something I wanted her to know for the future, along with a note. On Day 5, yesterday, she looked at me after reading the hand written note, and said, “It’s sounds like my Mom, and a Writer.”

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She texted me this picture last week, and it made my heart smile. I’ve been chastised for being her friend, more than a Mother. Who says I can’t be both? She is my very best friend, and these last 3 years have held the happiest moments of my life. This week, we have been Netflix binging on a show called The Gilmore Girls. This show describes our life perfectly.

We are only into the first season, so I will be upset if the Mother turns into a skank, but for now, it makes us laugh. My daughter and I drink coffee together, and yes, I am addicted. Every now and then I cut myself off, just to show it I’m boss. This week, I have barely had any coffee, so by the time Saturday morning rolled around, I was ready to lay my face in it.

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Our life was once ran by a calendar. It was one of those large ones that covers your desk. I haven’t had one of those on my desk since I left my marriage, and took my daughter with me. Living life day to day is what we do. Being grateful for waking up, and watching for what God has in store that day. Everyday is different, and it’s never boring. Living life together.

I give her some of the craziest advice coming from a Mother, but to her, it always makes sense. She would write the really good ones down, and go back and look at them later, when she needed a good laugh. I have always asked her not to call CPS on me, and she never has.

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Some of the things that come out of my mouth, amaze even me. My Mother was a good Mother, but we were not friends. I went to my friends for advice, which didn’t always pan out well, so I wanted my girl to always come to me. We talk about everything, and now with social media ablaze, there are never ending topics. Nothing is forbidden, and we learn a lot.

When I left her Father, it was right before my 50 birthday. I told my daughter, “I’m not counting anymore birthdays for me. I will buy cake, because we will always eat cake, but no counting years.” It worked too, because when people ask me my age, I have to really think before answering. With her birthday coming up, she made the same announcement to me.

Growing up is bittersweet, but growing old is optional.

My darling girl, always remember, “Where you lead, I will follow, Anywhere that you tell me to. If you need, you need me to be with you I will follow where you lead.”

mescarf (135x240)

Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

Them Three Days

This is the first time, in three days, I’ve turned on my laptop. I pulled back my bedroom drapes this morning, just to make sure there was still a world. I’ve been asleep for 3 days.

Before Chemo, this would never have happened. Oh sure, I could take a nap every now and then, but to allow my body to curl up and just sleep? A toothache was the culprit, but is getting better. I have heard that Chemo is hard on your teeth, but I wasn’t prepared for this.

I lit some of my favorite candles, and just went with it.

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My sponsor told me years ago, a lot can happen in 3 days. She would always suggest, waiting 3 days before making any monumental decisions, or taking action. Something would happen to give me a revelation, or the time would cause it’s importance to fall away.

One thing I wanted to accomplish this week was give my daughter a ‘Birthday week.’ I don’t believe I’ve ever done it before, maybe when she was little, but she turns 17, August 8th. So, I went around to different shops, and collected 7 little things I thought she would like. Little things to remind her of who she is, where we’ve been, and where we’re headed.

Even with this nasty toothache, God woke me up these last three days, to give her one.

I had the clarity of mind, to write a note about the item, which is all the writing I’ve done, up until now. I loved writing her the note more than anything, because the words just flowed from my heart to hers. She got choked up a couple of times, but there should be emotion in our writing. I’m so grateful to have been able to do that for her each day.

Today is Day 3, of her birthday week, and I’m having trouble deciding what to give her next. I’m thinking it will be the LED sign that says, “No Regrets.” I want her to know at this young age, to live a life of no regrets. That means doing things that scare you sometimes, like Chemo, but I can honestly say, I have no regrets in my life. Just keep living, loving, and learning.

mescarf (135x240)

Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

Good Skin Good

My daughter and I went shopping yesterday in Lockhart, TX. That doesn’t even sound right, does it? Well, there is one shop I absolutely adore, and will go to at the drop of a hat. They have the most beautiful things, and it’s pure bliss just to walk through. I bought a candle.

I am a Candle Connoisseur. Having spent years of my life smelling candles, I know the really good ones to buy. This shop just started carrying some that are new to me. Not only do they smell divine, but the jar they are in is gorgeousness. My home smells heavenly.

Upon leaving the shop, we noticed a quaint little Cafe across the street, and decided to give it a try. We had not had showers, wore no makeup, and were dressed in our really comfortable clothes. As soon as we walked in, I noticed how bright it was, but entered anyway. It was like walking into a really bad tea party, with no Mad Hatter as your host.

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My daughter was immediately uncomfortable with the stringent atmosphere, as everyone looked up from their plate and stared. Yes, real people just walked in, and we were not welcome. You see, I am very comfortable in my skin, and am trying to teach my daughter to be so in hers. I could have sat there and ate, but all they offered were salads. I can get that anywhere.

A lady that worked there approached us, trying her best to welcome us. I just smiled, and told her very nicely, we would come back another time. I don’t believe she was used to people walking out of her restaurant, because her face dropped, as she referred to me as a Carnivore. Now, it is obvious she didn’t know a thing about me, because I rarely eat meat.

I didn’t take it personally, and gave her my warmest smile. I sincerely wished her a beautiful day, as we exited out the door. My daughter was so relieved to be outside. As soon as we were, I gave thanks to God. I was so grateful that I didn’t feel the need to go to places like that anymore. I don’t have to fit into anyone’s box anymore. I am free to just be me.

I will most likely go back to that shop today. There was one more candle calling my name.

Today though, I will at least take a shower first. Part of having a beautiful life is not only what you see, but what you smell. May yours look and smell as beautiful as your very soul.

World’s best smelling candle in my opinion.

Trapp Candles: http://www.thecandleshop.net/

The one I bought yesterday, and probably again today. https://voluspa.com/

 

mescarf (135x240)Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com