You Haveta Wanna

This Blog post is for anyone suffering from an addiction.

To overcome the addiction, you have to want to. Your ‘want to‘ has to become bigger than it. God created us to be overcomers, and because He has overcome the world, there is nothing we cannot overcome through Him.

I give credit to AA for giving me the relationship I have with God today. The first 3 steps are all about God, and this scares some people away, but He took the desire to drink away from me. I will happily spend the rest of my life serving Him, because I get to enjoy life sober.

There will always be an excuse to drink. Someone asked me once, “How do you know you’re an alcoholic?” Because normal people can have one drink, and stop. My one drink was the entire bottle of wine. To numb the feelings that were bubbling up inside of me. When I stopped drinking, I had to feel those feelings. With sobriety there is no hiding.

When you stop drinking, you meet all the parts of yourself you have been at war with. Face them.

If I didn’t face my feelings, I would drink, but I also knew those same feelings would still be there once I sobered up again. Pouring alcohol over those feelings was a temporary fix, not to mention all the stupid stuff I did while drinking.

That just added to the horror of what I was trying to drown.

It’s no big secret how to stay sober. Go to meetings. That means I have to shower, get in my truck, and drive, and then walk into a room full of strangers. Not necessarily. You can sit in front of a computer screen in an online meeting. I did that. I also drank wine while watching what was being said in that online meeting. You cannot hide and stay sober.

My fear of waking up hungover, and not remembering what I said and did is real. I will go to any length to enjoy this life God has given me sober. My ‘want to’ is bigger than any fear.

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Stopping to Go

Today, I gave my daughter the day off from being my daughter.

She harbors these ‘people pleasing’ abilities that will wear off over time. Her father’s hectic life is adding stress to hers, but he needs her more than I do right now. Not wanting to add to an already stressful situation, I encouraged her not to come home today as planned. She was grateful.

It’s my favorite time of day to sit in the middle of the bed. I grabbed one of my favorite platters, and filled it with Gouda, Organic cream cheese with Raspberry Chipotle sauce, Rosemary crackers, and black seedless grapes. The jury is still out whether this is a snack, or an early dinner.

snack

I went to an AA meeting at noon. I was in the midst of cleaning house, and didn’t mind stopping to go, if God saw fit. Walking through the motions of getting ready, I told God, “If you really want me to go, everything will fall into place seamlessly.” At 11:40, I was ready to walk out the door.

Walking into the meeting, I noticed a young lady sitting there that I haven’t seen before. She had made a similar deal with God.

“Okay God, If you want me to go to this meeting, someone will walk in that I need to see.”

Long story short, she asked me to be her temporary sponsor.

This is the second woman in the past 30 days that God has placed in my path to sponsor. I have no clue how to be a sponsor, but I know how to stay sober, and I can coach.

I sat down yesterday, and came across this page in SC Lourie’s new journal. It sums up precisely where I am today.

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The photo may be hard to read. Here is what it says.

“I had to stop waiting. Waiting to be that person I always hoped I would become. Waiting for that person to rescue me. Waiting until I felt ready. Waiting until I had healed. Waiting until I got things right. Waiting until I was seen, noticed, acknowledged, or remembered. Waiting for that ultimate day somewhere in the future that would change everything. Soon after, I realised something. You are either waiting, or you are living. I choose to live. To end the wait.” SC Lourie

 

Don’t Do It

As I was dropping my daughter off yesterday, to spend the weekend with her Dad, she hugged me and said, “Don’t do anything Mom. Be still and wait on God.” She knows I am in an uncomfortable moment in life and shared her wisdom.

katieblogDoing what’s right and doing the next right thing is how I enjoy living my life. When I feel mistreated by someone in my life and it happens unexpectedly, I have to pause. My sponsor taught me, “Wait three days before making a decision.” The only behavior I can control is my own.

I am so grateful for sobriety today! Some things happened this week that would have not been pretty if I were still drinking. Drinking would have caused an irrational reaction and made matters much worse. Being sober gives me clarity of mind and I get to respond instead of reacting.

Drinking took pretty out of my life. It clouded my vision and thinking to the point of not enjoying the actual moment. As I sit and type this, I’m overlooking a lake. The breeze is lightly blowing across the water and with the sun hitting it at the same time, it looks like someone just dumped a truckload of glitter onto the surface. I get to see that today.

stormThere is a small storm brewing in my life right now. It was caused by the actions of others, but it’s still painful for me. I was listening to Joel Osteen during the drive to the lake yesterday. He was talking about being pushed into your purpose. What we feel right before the big push.

God uses pressure to make many things and that includes our character. My daughter saw the pressure I was under and encouraged me not to move. My circumstances are beckoning to be fixed, but I am determined to wait on God. I’m in the birth canal right before the push.

God will use what I’m going through for my good and His glory, as long as I stay out of it. The minute I step in and fix it, His power ceases. I like to think of it as a test. I want to pass it, so I don’t have to keep retaking it. God doesn’t cause trouble, but He will use it to make us better. The more quiet and still I become, the better I can hear. Being sober today shows me options I couldn’t see before. Thank you God for sobriety and for being with me in the storm.

 

blackandwhiteBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 16 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a Letitgocoach and help others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and enjoys Blogging about her life.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

Be Still And Know

It’s an honor and a privilege to be writing for the Sisters of Serenity and Sobriety each Friday. What a fabulous end to my work week! As soon as this happened last night, I looked at my daughter and said, “There’s my Blog for Katie!”

Losing my home and having it go through foreclosure years ago was heart wrenching. Ever since then I have rented a home to live in. Sometimes for a only a year, or maybe two years max. I enjoy moving and living wherever God leads.

growyou1The home my daughter and I live in today is an old farmhouse, on 5 acres, that has been restored to its natural beauty. We have been here four months and the rent is due the first week of the month. I received a text last night from my landlord, asking for it pronto. I made myself sit still.

If this would have happened before sobriety, it would have prompted me to drink. The majority of my income goes into PayPal, so it takes a few days for it to move into my checking. There was not enough money in my checking to cover rent this quickly. Time to breathe and respond.

I was so grateful for that moment. To be able to be caught off guard and not react in a drunken spew. Stopping and asking God for guidance and to be my words is all it took. We talked it through via text and it will all work out. The first thing I said to my daughter when it happened was, “This is a test. I have to pass this test!”

katieblogGod is making me better. It’s little things like this that make us stronger. I handed my landlord the check this morning and told him I have moved the money from PayPal, but when it shows up is in God’s hands. Moving forward, I will pay them on the first of every month. I don’t have to play the victim today and sit on a pity pot.

Living life on life’s terms sober is how I roll. Whatever life throws at me is for my good. It will grow me and if nothing else makes me grateful. Being grateful for a sound mind, not clouded by alcohol and a strong heart. To be able to love myself and not have to blame anyone for their behavior making me want to drink. I am free.

God is my fortress. He is my shelter from every storm. By walking through what lies ahead and getting to the other side unscathed, life is indeed beautiful. I encourage you today to be still and know, He is God. He doesn’t need our help, only our hearts.

 

blackandwhiteBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 16 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a Letitgocoach and help others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and is writing her first book.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

God Is Real

I thank God every morning for waking me up and waking me up sober. He gave me my sobriety and I wouldn’t have the life I have today if I were still drinking. My daughter wouldn’t be here and I’m not certain that I would be either.

You know me as Letitgocoach and that is who I am. Maybe what you don’t know is, my name is Barb H., and I am an alcoholic. For almost 17 years I have been walking into AA meetings and saying those words. I don’t go to meetings for myself anymore. Being blessed with sobriety for this long, I go to see how I can be of service to others. My heart still breaks for the newcomer, as they sit in a meeting weeping. I cried at every meeting for 30 days when I began.

My story is not unlike anyone else’s. I started out a social drinker and entertained my then husbands business professionals, so I didn’t have to leave home to drink. He bought cases of fine wine and my favorite part of the evening was the clean up. Pouring all the leftover wine into one massive wine glass and drinking it. That sounds pretty disgusting now, being almost 17 years sober, but back then it was normal. The things we would do to drink.

tobymacA part of my story you don’t hear much anymore is, I had a spiritual awakening. Yes, I heard God’s voice as He spoke to me. God answered my cry for help and if that doesn’t sober you up, I don’t know what will.

It was obvious I was at the lowest part of my life. My husband of 10 years had given me an ultimatum. Get help or I’m leaving with our son. My body was down to an unhealthy weight of 98 lbs, which is not good for a woman almost 5′ 9″.  I needed help, but didn’t know where to turn.

The next morning, I popped my son on the school bus, made my way up the steep driveway and into the house. It was cloudy and dark outside which suited me to leave the house dark as well. I poured some wine into a short Tupperware cup and climbed up the staircase in the two story foyer. I sat at the top of the stairs just staring off into space.

Then came the tears and frustration. The knowing I could not live like this anymore. I was in my early 30’s and had been drinking like this since my teens. I looked up at the palladium window at the top of the foyer. The clouds were rolling by and I could barely see any light. All I knew to do was cry out to God for help, so I cried, “God, help me”!!!

caineLooking at the bottom of the stairs, I see a light coming through that window, landing in the foyer and touching the bottom stair. It started coming up the stairs straight toward me as I sat there frozen. It went right over me and I felt a warm hand pressing down on my left shoulder.

Then I heard a deep, soothing voice in response to my cry. The voice said, “I will.” That was it. Over, finished and complete. I was made new.

Standing up and trying to walk was next. I was pretty well shaken, plus a little hungover, but walked into the office where we kept a phone book. Searching for AA meetings, I called a hot-line that helped guide me to the closest one. That day I walked into the first of many AA meetings.

God took my desire to drink completely away. I don’t struggle with thoughts of drinking. We even continued to entertain for years after I got sober. It wasn’t always fun, but I enjoyed the fact that I could entertain and be able to remember it the next day.

My marriage didn’t make it. Drinking excessively during our dating on into our marriage, it makes sense, when you take away the alcohol, you wind up strangers. We tried for 12 more years to see if it would work, but we were two different people. He couldn’t forget the past and I was sitting in the present moment looking toward the future. He didn’t know what to do with a woman that didn’t drink and I didn’t know either. We just took it one day at a time.

This is the past that brought me to where I am today. The Letitgocoach is Barb H. and I am a recovering alcoholic.

 

blackandwhiteBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 16 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a Letitgocoach and help others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and is working on her first book.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com