I’m Not Going

I’m not going to my appointment today.

There are two ways God knows He can get my attention. Money, and physical pain. God also knows I’m continually on the lookout for the next right thing being done. What happened yesterday, was not the next right thing for me.

My health insurance ran out in March of this year.

When I made the appointment with my breast surgeon a couple of weeks ago, the lady on the phone assured me that the cost of the appointment could be broken down into payments afterwards. A lady from the surgeons office called yesterday to tell me that the appointment would need to be paid in full at the time of service. Sorry, but no.

That is not what I was told when I agreed to come in.

That decision has placed me on a new path this morning.

Thank you for your love and prayers. Forgive me for not going.

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You’re Not Alone

I published a Blog yesterday, and went back into my Blogsite and deleted it. The same thing happened today. Write, edit, publish, and an hour later, delete. To the 5 people who read them both, “I apologize if I scarred you for life.”

My email followers received notifications of the posts. Clicked on the link, and stared at air. I apologize to you too. I have discovered that waiting on this appointment next week causes me to feel vulnerable. I don’t mind being vulnerable, but to let someone read about it, amplifies the feeling.

If you’re a writer, maybe you do the same thing.

Publish a Blog, and then delete it, or maybe you have some in drafts that you can’t bring yourself to finish, and publish. I have some of those too, but there is something I’ve learned.

No matter how sucky I think that published Blog may be…it’s going to help someone. It’s going to have something in there that someone needs to see. So, maybe if I write this at night, hit publish, and go to bed, you can read it while I sleep. Because waiting on Tuesday to arrive is not working.

My instinct is to disappear for a few days, and become quiet.

To remove myself from the lives of the people I love, so they don’t have to be a part of what I’m going through. That is my way of protecting them. Well, the last time I checked, my circle of people are some brilliant, grounded adults who can decide whether they need protection or not.

I believe you are only as alone as you allow yourself to be.

I don’t feel alone, so thank you, for not leaving me alone.

 

Feel the Music

There was a need for more coffee than I cared to make.

I went down to the corner store, and this song was playing.

My friend behind the counter was singing along, and said, “Good song. This is a good song!” I agreed with him and left with a large cup of coffee. Just wanted to share with you.

Digging the Details

My daughter has left to spend the weekend with her father. I won’t see her until Tuesday, the day of my appointment. He has a busy weekend planned for them, but before she left I said, “I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend.” She responded with, “The possibilities are endless.”

I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, watching it rain.

The dogs are laying on the floor beside me, just to be near.

It made my heart happy that she said, “The possibilities are endless.” That whatever I chose to do over the weekend would improve our lives in some way. I’ve begun this new thing while she is away by looking at the details of our life, and making adjustments. Just tweaking what we already have.

This began in a big way by moving furniture. Using the most of our small space, and helping things flow. Those things are noticeable, but now it’s down to the finest detail.

This has been going on for months, so now when she walks in the front door, there is a  pause to look around. There may be a picture that has been moved, or curtains swapped from another room. The last time she was away, I bought a new shower curtain liner. You would think, no one would notice a new piece of plastic while showering, but she did.

Yesterday, I gave our bathroom some attention. While cleaning the toilet, I looked at the bowl brush, and decided it had seen better days, so in the trash it went. Yes, life should be beautiful all the way down to the tiolet bowl brush! We now have a new bowl brush. Will she notice?

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That is Love

This morning, sitting still in the front porch swing, I felt an overwhelming sense of love. It was the most wonderful feeling. It welled up inside of me, and wanted to become tears, but I held it inside to hold onto that moment.

It only got better from there.

You know I frequent a small town coffee-house.

The coffee is a bonus. It’s the people I gravitate toward. Today, their love and kindness blew me away. God had it all lined up for me to walk in at just the right moment. The owner was making something specifically for my heart.

I walked in and he yelled, “Barbara! I am making something for you!” The timing is what amazed me, because I rarely walk in the same time of day. My daughter said, “When they know you all too well at the coffee shop?” That is true love.

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He had bought a beautiful pour over, along with my favorite kettle! I was literally screaming in awe of this magnificent sight! He was beaming with excitement. It was a moment.

He said that he envisioned my daughter and I sitting at a table, sharing this moment. He would be right. Just the other day, my daughter said she wished he had a pour over.

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God gave me another Patron! That is love.

A friend takes time out of her busy schedule each day to send a video of her life, and thoughts. That is love.

You are here, taking time to read this. That is love.

A Vintage hat box full of stars. That is love.

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Full of Stars

When my daughter was small, I imitated Martha Stewart.

She doesn’t remember much of the grand lifestyle, but the one thing she remembers, and misses, are the stars on the Christmas tree every year. I find it humourous this would be the one thing to stick with her. The stars were made of paper, and sold in a kit created by Martha Stewart.

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During my mammogram appointment, they asked me to lay on a table for the sonogram. I did so, and looked up to a view of paper flowers hanging from the ceiling. They were simply beautiful, and reminded me of these stars.

When I left my marriage, Christmas ornaments were not a priority, so the box of stars were left behind. There is no telling where they are today, but the great thing about a material object is… It can eventually be replaced.

A year ago, I searched, found and purchased a kit on Etsy.

It has been 20 years since making them, so I had to follow the instructions, and refresh my memory. It went smoothly until the part came where the paper stands up in fours points. I couldn’t get it to do it, and it was very frustrating.

God placed people in my life who taught me patience.

I’ve been sitting in the middle of my bed making stars.

My daughter will have a Christmas tree full of stars again.

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Everyday Feels Special

Walking into my bedroom, this made my heart happy.

My daughter had hung a banner, and not just any banner. I could tell she had chosen it specifically for my heart. The triangles are printed with a beautiful pattern, and you hand string it on a satin ribbon, to make it the length you want.

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Out of the four walls, she chose the one with the ‘Happiness’ sign. She knew I would notice it immediately upon walking in. It was her way of saying, “Happy Birthday!”

My birthday was Saturday, so she hung this the night before. It will hang long past my birthday just because it’s pretty to look at, and it’s from her. That’s just what we do.

She had bought the banner at one of our favorite shops, so she took me there on my birthday. This shop has unique items, leaning toward the artsy, and handcrafted. Every item is quite expensive, but for some reason it’s okay there. We don’t go with purchases in mind. We love walking in, and through the store. Seeing so much pretty in one place.

While there, we found a newly opened doorway, and stood there mesmerized. They had expanded and opened a back room to place sale items. Even the sale sign above the door was no ordinary sign. Each letter was made to look like fresh-cut topiaries. I realized the thing I loved most about this store was their attention to every little detail.

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It held items marked half price, in hopes of finding a home. There were not many things in the room, but they were fun to see, and yes, I bought an Earl Grey Shea body lotion.

On our way out, we always stop and look at the cards.

They say things you normally don’t say outloud, so they strike us as fun. One card in particular caught my attention. If it would have been my daughter’s birthday, and she was a little older, I would have gotten this card for her.

Once we returned home, she handed me the card she had filled out the night before. She had chosen it as my birthday card, and  it was the same one I was looking at for her.

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Feel the Music

This song has randomly played through my home all week.

My daughter will be playing music on her phone, or watching something on Netflix, and this song begins playing. It happened again just now, so it must be meant to share.

I want to thank everyone for their love. Thank you for freely giving your love, and waiting with me. The silence isn’t quiet, and I will share, but just know, I will rise up for God. I am unafraid, and He sees the fighter in me even when I don’t. Together, we will continue to move mountains.

Wait With Me

I write about a beautiful life, and that is my hearts desire to share with you. Right now, I feel the need to get this out, and writing always helps soothe the soul.

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Once again, I am waiting.

Last Friday, I went in for my 6 month checkup, and had a mammogram.

It began as routine, and then the technician came in for more scans. This is the left breast that held Cancer last year. After having 6 scans, I was escorted into the sonogram room. The technician rolled the handheld device over my breast for what seemed like a very long time. She sent the scans to be reviewed by the doctor, and in came the doctor.

The doctor tried to sound casual as she spoke. “You have a couple of areas I’m not sure about, but they are not screaming Cancer to me. I’d like to see you again in six months.”

Does Cancer scream?

I left there concerned, but not worried. Wasn’t going to jump to any conclusions until my Oncologist saw the film. I knew she would know if there was any cause for concern.

She called today and wants to see me. “There are areas of concern…” Her first available appointment is 10/24, which is almost two weeks away. I ask that you wait with me.

Listen and Follow

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Where is your heart leading you? What is it saying?

In the post, To Be True, I painted a focal wall in my bedroom dark red. This past weekend it began bothering me. It felt as if it were yelling when I walked into the room.

I went to a hardware store that carries paint, and left with a sample of lavender. It was pretty, but after painting the wall, it was bright, and reminded me of a preschool nursery. Going back to the hardware store, I had a cornflower blue in mind, and left with a sample of that. It looked like Carolina Blue once applied, and was not the least amount soothing.

The 3 remaining walls of the bedroom are a pale yellow named Tea. I added some strokes of Tea to the blue and purple, and the photo below was the result. It was good for my soul to blend the 3 colors, on a wall, without any expectations. My heart said, “Leave it alone for a few days.”

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Allowing myself to do this unleashed some creativity, and felt good. My daughter saw it, and gasped with excitement. It broke all the rules growing up, having to be careful around walls. I smiled at her, and encouraged her to do the same, but she’s creative in her own style with her room. She found her perfect color, so she’s creating a wall of photos.

The container the plant was in didn’t make my heart happy, so I chose one that did. That was good because it was sitting in way too much water. This plant was one of the first ones I bought, well actually the second of it’s kind, because I killed the first one.

This plant was bought before the Boston Ferns, and reflects how I felt at the time. It’s a very touchy plant. I haven’t pinpointed it’s exact need. It enjoys light, but not full on sun, and it likes to be sprayed with water, but not too much. We will see how long it lasts, because the plant doesn’t reflct any part of me anymore. After repotting the plant, I knew my color.

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