Tag: #30daybloggingchallenge

Which Way Home

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I started writing a Blog lastnight, but again didn’t publish it. With this 30 day challenge, I’m learning I can write anytime of day. Mama always said, “Nothing good happens after midnight.” Well, in my mind there is nothing publish worthy after 9:00 pm.

This is what’s happening in real-time. I’m sitting at the dining room table at Smith’s house, listening to my favorite CD, drinking coffee from a red mug, and looking out the sliding glass doors at the lake. It rained lastnight, and brought in fog, so the lake is not visible yet. I know the lake is there, but I cannot physically see it yet.

This reminds me of this path of life we’re on. We know we have one, but we can only see so far ahead. God gives us just enough light for the step we’re on. We take a step, and there is more light, but just enough for that step. Sitting here this morning, I wish to see more steps.

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You can see how bright the light is over the lake. The sun is trying to burn away the fog, and restore a visual of what’s there. God is in that ball of fire. He wants us to trust Him even when we cannot see very far ahead. To enjoy the present moment, but keep stepping.

Some ducks swam across the lake, as I made more coffee, and ate a piece of chocolate covered caramel. It would seem I’m on a path with many detours, but they all lead back to my  heart. During the week I am in my little farmhouse, sharing a life with my daughter.

The weekends, I’m usually at the lake with Smith. He is a Chef, and normally has to work on Saturday’s. He’s at work right now, and there is a void where his presence is absent. If he was here, I can see him sitting on the couch trying to find some football on TV. My laptop and I would move to another room and continue writing in a more serene space.

He would come and find me periodically, and make himself known. I can feel him walk into the room, and he may touch me, but he wouldn’t disturb my writing. He enjoys that I write, and encourages me with that. He also tolerates being the subject from time to time.

The sun is becoming brighter as I finish up this Blog. It will be time to start repacking my things, load up my truck, and head to Radiation. Today will be #22 out of 30 treatments.

I was tempted to call and cancel today’s appointment, but that would just prolong the inevitable. Once Radiation is complete, I will have more options. My daughter is staying with her Dad until tomorrow, so it’s very tempting to stay one more day here at the lake.

I used to know where home is. Over time of driving back and forth, I’m not really sure anymore which house is home. For some time now, when I return to the little farmhouse, and walk inside, it feels like a house. My daughter gets there, and it feels more like home, but there is still a void. I find myself each day looking forward to going back to the lake.

Smith is the most patient man I have ever met. He has been waiting for me to decide when to bring all these paths together as one big path, and the three of us to live this life together. Home is where your heart is, and today it’s in this lake house, but getting ready to leave once again. I believe it’s time for me and my heart to decide, which way is home.

 

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Eye See You

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Yesterday, I drove to the lake to see Mr. Smith. On the drive here, I watched as the outdoor temperature dropped. Checking the weather before I left prompted me to pack items for 70 degree weather. The temperature outside went from the 70’s to the 50’s upon arrival.

Mr. Smith had the doors, and windows of the house open. He had been enjoying the 70 degree temps as well. I walked in, and saw him standing in the sliding glass doorway, and he looked so different. We had not seen each other since Christmas, but we talk everyday. He was wearing flannel lounging pants, a white tank, and had a bandanna tied over his hair.

Mr. Smith is a Chef, and yesterday he looked the part. He looked at ease in his skin.

It caught me off guard, and I tried to respond naturally, but I could not connect. I know who he is, and what he is, but my heart was arguing with my head. We were disconnected.

I started pondering what love is, and that is what I started writing about. Today, I see what my eyes were seeing, and what my heart was showing me. Let’s look at a few examples of love in action. There are many ways he displays his love, but for the sake of brevity, we will stick with examples from yesterday, starting with the state of the house.

Chef knows I live an uncluttered life. He has been doing some ‘spring cleaning’ he says, but I see it differently. The closets, and inside the cabinets have all been cleaned out and organized. You can look around and tell that Chef is willing to share his life.

He has a knack of doing things for both of us, but I believe I receive the biggest thrill. Chef and I love music even though our taste in music are different, there’s one thing we know. It feeds the soul.

He bought something easy for me to play music on. Before yesterday, I had to try and figure out his sound system, and it was hit or miss for me. This morning when he left for work, I hit two buttons, and was quickly listening to my favorite  Jennifer Nettles CD.

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To clear a spot for our simple sound system, he put his knife collection in a closet, but as you can see, he left my Jesus Calling devotional laying out. This is a picture of happiness.

I’ve had a difficult time recently with my part time job, but that is another Blog. Between the stress I was feeling from that, my boob stinging from the radiation, and then this disconnect, I was a mess. I went and laid across the bed, and watched the wind blow outside. Chef came back to check on me, but he knew I was off center, so he gave me space.

Then, I heard it. The music. It started out slow, and soothing, but then it changed.

Chef was in the kitchen, doing what he loves to do. Cook! He was actually cooking a spectacular dinner that I was supposed to be helping with, but I was pondering.

He changed the music to country, which I love. I heard Brad Paisley, and some of the greats singing away. Then the music changed again, but this time, it almost made me cry.

I heard Lionel Richie. Ladies, if your man plays Lionel Richie, that man loves you.

By this time, I was back in front of my laptop trying to do my job, but I could feel the words to each song drifting down the hallway to where I was sitting. Chef was trying to reach me, but give me space. He gave me my 3 minute heads up on dinner being plated as I finished my work. Joining him at the dining room table, I felt like a big bowl of mush.

He will read this Blog at some point today, and I’m grateful he doesn’t embarrass easily. I was concerned for half a minute what he would think, but who am I kidding? He already knows all of this; he knew it yesterday. Chef sees everything, but best of all, he sees me.

That’s Okay Too

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I woke up this morning with no Blog title. How God can give me three one morning, and zero today, I don’t know. Then, I just sat with that realization, and thought. “That’s okay too.”

Stretching myself to write a Blog a day the month of January, is not about having it all together. I believe it’s about just writing even when I don’t have a plan. I have already accomplished three things this morning that were on my weekly list. Just a couple more, and my week will be complete. It’s all good to have a plan, but even when I don’t, that’s okay too.

I  walked into our bathroom, and it looked like a literal towel explosion. There were towels on the floor, tub, and shower. I scooped them all up and put them in the washer, and started the washer. After they are washed, they will be dried and folded, and put back into place. It was an easy fix, and I thought, it would be nice if all of life’s little messes could be so easily fixed.

This was by far the toughest day I had writing a Blog. Writing is a gift, so I’m not even sure how structured that gift can be, but I’ll continue on with my 30 day writing challenge. I have already learned a lot, and I’m curious to see what all I can learn by the end of the 30 days. I am already learning that a writer will write, with or without a topic, and that’s okay too.

Together in Stillness

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Last Friday, a friend asked what I had planned for the weekend. If I had anything productive, as in getting a lot done. The weekends are well spent replenishing my soul.

I try and get everything I want to accomplish, completed during the week. I have a couple of things left to do this week, so today is my last day to get them done. Otherwise, they fall over onto next weeks to-do list.

That is never fun. A new week should have new accomplishments. That is how I gauge moving forward in life. Get it done and move on.

 

Friday also means final Radiation treatment for the week. I get two days off, and my skin needs that. Yesterday, I noticed I was getting a slight burn by it. I had to increase the lotion.

What does Friday mean to you?

I hope it’s not just another day, because they truly are special. It’s the wind down of the week, and the anticipation of the weekend. If my daughter is home, we do something fun. One of our favorite brunch restaurants is only open on the weekend, so maybe we go there.

If she goes to see her father, I spend time on me. Catching up on my reading, and learning new things, or just relaxing in the stillness of the moment. I encourage you to do whatever replenishes your soul. Whether it’s alone, or with loved ones.

If my daughter was 5 years old again, and I knew what I know now, our weekends would have been much different. I used to work right through them, whether it being house chores, or actual business. I never stopped. Today, I would sit on the floor with her, and play a game, or build a Lego kingdom. I would slow down the pace and enjoy the weekend.

This is what we’ve done for the past 4 years, and I am blessed by it. We slowed the pace of life to match our heartbeat. Yesterday, she spent alone time in her room, just caring for her tender soul. I spent a large part of the day sitting on her bed, just to be there. Self care doesn’t mean you have to be alone. Sometimes it’s two hearts sitting together in stillness.