A Lightbulb Moment

I know you are thinking, “Barb’s going to share some profound wisdom with us here.” Unfortunately lovely, I’ve actually been wrestling with a lightbulb.

For longer than a moment. It’s been weeks.

Obviously, I don’t give up easily, but I learned something from this lightbulb. I’m really good with change, if it’s a change I decide to make. If the change is made for me, with no say so in the matter, that’s not so good.

I have lamps that use 3-way bulbs. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a lightbulb that has 3 different settings, and each setting has a level of light. I’ve loved these light bulbs all my life, but someone decided to make a change.

Photo by Federico Bottos on Unsplash

This is the LED version of the 3-way bulb.

Looks harmless enough, right? The original 3-way bulb would start out on a low setting. You turn the knob of the lamp, and it would get brighter. A third turn of the knob and it would be at it’s brightest light. It would start out low and gradually become brighter.

The LED version does the opposite. As soon as you turn on the lamp, the bulb starts out with the brightest setting.

Gives a whole new meaning to, ‘blinded by the light!’

With each click of the knob, the light grows dim.

My only consolation is at night while laying in bed reading, it’s kinda nice the light gets softer instead of brighter.

I’m proud of myself for not replacing it with a normal one, although there is one in the cabinet, just in case I snap. Enough time has passed now where it really doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve adapted to the change. Here’s to you darling, and may you have a lightbulb moment.

Don’t Be Angry

I woke up thinking of a lady I saw at Radiation.

She was agitated in my presence, and I couldn’t grasp how to comfort her. I thought she was scared, but I found out later, she was angry.

There are 5 stages of grief, and when I found out I had Breast Cancer, I went through them all. Some people get stuck on a certain one, but you need to keep going. Don’t get stuck, and wallow in one. If you do that, you are going to miss out on the point of the journey.

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I stayed in Denial for quite a while. Every doctor I met, told me the same thing, and I just sat there ready leave. My daughter would go with me to the appointments, and listen for me. Even though I was sitting right there, I wasn’t actually hearing what they were saying.

Then I got angry. In came the yelling match with God. Have you ever noticed, God doesn’t yell back? He just patiently waits for the fit to subside. All the questions, but the most popular one was, “Why?” I had plans for 2016, but now I was going to spend it killing Cancer? God and Chemo took the anger right out of this girl.

Good ol’ Chemo. That is where I learned the most.

I was bargaining my way through every chance I got. I usually find a way, but the doctor’s wouldn’t budge. “Can I take a longer break?” No. “Can we just stop right here?” No. “Do I have to come back and keep doing this?” Yes. They were focused on the cure. They had a plan to kill this lump in my breast, and they succeeded.

I’m glad they told me no.

Waves of sorrow would wash over me during Chemo. I wouldn’t say I was depressed, but I definitely felt sorry for myself. I couldn’t do anything about anything! All I could do was open my eyes to a new day. Sometimes it took a few days to become stable enough to shower. I just laid in bed thinking of what I would write, if I had the well being to write it.

Acceptance.

This was the sweetest part of the journey. Once I finally accepted it.

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God didn’t do this to me. Being an overthinker, I went through every scenario trying to pinpoint what caused this Cancer, but it wasn’t about the lump. It was about what God was going to do for me, that I couldn’t do myself. When I got to that point, and I had to ask for help from God, and others, I believe God started to smile down on me.

Don’t be angry. This wasn’t done ‘to’ you, but God will use every ounce of it for you.

It’s So Quiet

God found a home for our Blue Heeler on Saturday. I have been wrestling with finding him a new home for months. We knew he deserved more than we could give him, but to let him go?

After years of practice, it still gets to me. The actual physical and emotional part of it. I could see God’s hand all over the situation, so that helped. It’s been a very quiet morning.

By now Gus, the Blue Heeler, would be making a squeaking noise to get out of his kennel. It has surprised me how much I accommodated this dog. I was loading the Keurig lastnight before bed, until I realized I didn’t need to do that anymore. I used to get it ready, so the next morning all I had to do was push the button. Not making noise means not waking Gus.

He was actually my daughters dog, but both of us cared for him. It was going have to be her decision to let him go. All I could do was point out what I saw, and plant seeds.

Accepting Gus for his true self, and seeing he deserved more than we could give. He’s a working dog, and needs a job. Someone rents the acreage behind us to use for cattle. The cows would come up to our fence and Gus would start barking, and running the fence line trying to herd them. He knew what he was, and the day I saw that, it broke my heart.

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I envisioned Gus with a man that drove a truck. He would be a good truck dog. Someone with a ranch, so he would have plenty to do. Gus knows his purpose, and should fulfill it just like us. Praying for our hearts desire for Gus, my daughter placed an ad for him. We knew if it was meant to be, God would send the right person, and God being God, He did.

The day the ad was placed, a man responded.

He had been looking for a Heeler for a while, and wanted one that was instinctual. He lived an hour away, but was happy to drive and meet Gus the next morning, and bring his wife. He asked, “How early is too early for you?”

They came early Saturday morning, and not surprisingly, he was driving a big truck. It was love at first sight for Gus, and them. He started throwing the ball for Gus, and I mentioned how I thought he would be good with a Frisbee. He runs after the ball, and jumps high in the air to catch it.

The man walked over to his truck, and pulled out a brand new Frisbee.

God showed us things that morning assuring us that this was his new family. I texted them over the weekend, and Gus had already been to a park, and walked around the neighborhood twice. They also have a weekend ranch with lots of livestock.

They sent me a picture of him laying on a pretty rug surrounded by new chew toys. I had already warned her ahead of time about the dog hair. He found his people.

What are you holding onto today, that both of you would be happier by letting go?

Everything You Need

This is the beginning of the busiest time of life called, the Holiday season.  Menus are being hashed out among family members.

It will be a short work week for most, so they can load up the car and start their journey to be with family Thanksgiving Day. I hope people will pause this week and be thankful. I believe we should pause every day for this.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The first thing I learned in sobriety was being grateful. Waking up without a hangover was miraculous for me and gratitude began. It was suggested I make a Gratitude List. There were days, looking at my circumstances, I didn’t see much to be grateful for.

This forced me to look within myself and to stop looking at what was happening, or not happening around me.

Waking up and waking up sober was enough for me. Having those two things made everything else possible.

This week people will ponder being thankful.

Accepting where you are and being grateful for everything you have, even if that is just breath in your body; be thankful. It may look not seem like much, but it’s actually everything you need.

Make Me Wait

I have not been good at waiting. Being patient and waiting are two different things. Patience reflects the good attitude during the wait. Without patience, I can bulldoze through and make things happen. Today, I choose to wait.

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I like to wait 3 days before making a decision. If it has the ability to alter my path, I can wait. It took Jesus three days to rise from the dead. A lot can happen in three days! Waiting can grow tiresome and make me weary in well doing, but I must not faint.

I wait while writing every Blog.

God will show me a topic and I see the title. That always comes first, but it’s up to me and my patience in knowing what that title means. There are many avenues it could take. Choosing what I want to share is the hardest part. The page waits while I try to fill it.

To see how patient someone really is, sit them down in front of a computer with very slow Internet. Remember dial up?

I have learned less is more. A few weeks ago I thought the length of my Blog reflected the amount of words in my heart. Looking at this today, I realize it just took a lot of words to get around to what I really wanted to say. Weaving my way with words and edits.

It’s acceptable to make me wait.