Tag: #alcoholicsanonymous

Calm and Peaceful

My landlord texted me this morning.

He and his wife would be in town this afternoon and asked if they could drop by. It was fine by me, but just for a moment, I felt a slight unease. It was past behavior.

roomtowork

I sat completely still to let the feeling pass. Glancing around the house, it wasn’t perfect, but it was in order. It wasn’t spotless, but it felt good.

I told him I had plans at 11:00, but will be home by 1:00, and got ready to leave the house. There’s an AA meeting I’ve been going to on Sunday mornings. For now, it’s like church and sober community rolled into one. I missed last Sunday and didn’t wish to miss today.

This was huge progress for me.

A few short years ago, I would’ve been scrubbing baseboards to make a good impression, but today, I placed the coffee cup in the sink and left for my meeting.

Last week, I was reading a lesson from SC Lourie’s Soul Reset about ‘People Pleasing.’ I didn’t really see where I met any of the criteria anymore. I can honestly say, I’m kind, but not on a mission to please others.

Today was proof.

When they arrived, they said the sweetest things and loved what we had done with the house. He told his wife they should take pictures, but I don’t believe what they felt would show up in a photo.

By the time they were walking out the door, he had it figured it. It was all the little touches, and the way my daughter and I choose to live that caused him to say, “Gosh Barb. It feels so calm and peaceful.”

Your Want To

This Blog post is for anyone suffering from an addiction.

To overcome the addiction, you have to want to. Your ‘want to‘ has to become bigger than it. God created us to be overcomers, and because He has overcome the world, there is nothing we cannot overcome through Him.

I give credit to AA for opening up the relationship I have with God today. The first 3 steps are all about God, and this scares some people away, but He took the desire to drink away from me. I will happily spend the rest of my life serving Him, because I get to enjoy life sober.

There will always be an excuse to drink. Someone asked me once, “How do you know you’re an alcoholic?” Because normal people can have one drink, and stop. My one drink was the entire bottle of wine. To numb the feelings that were bubbling up inside of me. When I stopped drinking, I had to feel those feelings. With sobriety there is no hiding.

When you stop drinking, you meet all the parts of yourself you’ve been at war with. Face them.

It’s no big secret how to stay sober. Go to meetings. That means I have to shower, get in my truck, and drive, and then walk into a room full of people who are there for the same reason as me. You can sit in front of a computer screen in an online meeting. I did that. I also drank wine while watching what was being said in the online meeting. You can’t isolate and stay sober.

My fear of waking up hungover, and not remembering what I said and did is real. I will go to any length to enjoy this life God has given me and remain sober. My ‘want to’ overcomes any fear.

Stopping to Go

Today, I gave my daughter the day off from being my daughter.

She harbors these ‘people pleasing’ abilities that will wear off over time. Her father’s hectic life is adding stress to hers, but he needs her more than I do right now. Not wanting to add to an already stressful situation, I encouraged her not to come home today as planned. She was grateful.

I went to an AA meeting at noon. I was in the midst of cleaning house, and didn’t mind stopping to go, if God saw fit. Walking through the motions of getting ready, I told God, “If you really want me to go, everything will fall into place seamlessly.” At 11:40, I was ready to walk out the door.

Walking into the meeting, I noticed a young lady sitting there that I haven’t seen before. She had made a similar deal with God.

“Okay God, If you want me to go to this meeting, someone will walk in that I need to see.”

Long story short, she asked me to be her temporary sponsor.

This is the second woman in the past 30 days that God has placed in my path to sponsor. I have no clue how to be a sponsor, but I know how to stay sober, and I can coach.

I sat down yesterday, and came across this page in SC Lourie’s new journal. It sums up precisely where I am today.

Here is what it says.

“I had to stop waiting. Waiting to be that person I always hoped I would become. Waiting for that person to rescue me. Waiting until I felt ready. Waiting until I had healed. Waiting until I got things right. Waiting until I was seen, noticed, acknowledged, or remembered. Waiting for that ultimate day somewhere in the future that would change everything. Soon after, I realised something. You are either waiting, or you are living. I choose to live. To end the wait.” SC Lourie

 

Trust the Process

ferns

It was early morning as I was sat in the front porch swing, pondering my sobriety. November 10th will mark 19 years sober. It’s scary getting close to the 20 year mark because you want to keep it. God spoke to my heart and said, “What are you doing to protect it?” I had lost track of that piece of me. It was time to go back and visit Alcoholics Anonymous.

Walking into a meeting the topic was ‘Unity.’ That felt good.

Sitting, listening to people share, and gathering up wisdom from the room. I was taking notes for later, and my pen started writing without a thought. Looking at the page it read, “I don’t need an intimate relationship, but I do need/want love.” The date was Sunday, July 2nd, which was right before I Bled Out, and then came, You are Good.

I’ve been reading Melody Beattie. My heart is tender now, and I want to keep it that way. To keep a tender heart you have to douse yourself with the tender-hearted. Like the ferns on the porch that get drenched everyday, I’m going to trust the process.