I had to smile at myself as I was trying to make the bedroom blinds hang level. Gently releasing the left cord and then the right, back and forth until it fell into a level edge. I thought, “Wow Barb. If only you could do that in real life.”
Just by pulling the right cord.
My circumstances are changing, but it’s not happening fast enough for me. The first glimpse was last Christmas and it was like God whispered, “Get ready. It’s coming.”
I know I’m being ridiculous. We don’t end a day in Winter and wake up to an immediate Spring. (We sorta do in Texas, but you catch my drift) It happens gradually my darling. Each day and night becomes a little bit warmer, until we arrive in a new season.
I made this comment to my daughter. “By the end of March my life will look totally different.” It just fell out of my mouth and I don’t know whether to be excited, or scared.
It’s not my job to hurry change or slow it down, but today I want to. Just like the blinds, I wanted to hold one cord in each hand to feel that sense of control with this change. I wanted to see the sun streaming in instead of looking at the clouds.
I want, I want, I want, is not how it works, thankfully. I’m not in charge and today I can be grateful for that. Have Faith in what you know. The sun is still shining above the clouds. I don’t have to see it to know.
The dominoes are lining up, and a gentle breeze will begin their fall, at the right time.
When my daughter and I first began living this life together, you could look around and see two of everything. The house has two bedrooms. There’s two overstuffed chairs in the den. Two blankets on a nearby shelf readily available.
We created a life for two.
It’s time to open my heart for more.
I have these two bowls. They each have a plate that matches and I bought them years ago.
While shopping, I pay attention to other bowls that might match. The shape is so hard to find. They are shallow and wide. I wasn’t overly focused on the color, as long as they complimented one another. Then it happened. Strolling by a shelf full of bowls, that color caught my eye.
There was only one on the shelf.
My daughter and I always use place-mats, cloth napkins and real dinnerware. We set the table for every meal, but maybe that’s not normal for most. What’s normal to us may look like a lot effort to others.
Today my darlings, if you set down at our table and see a bowl that fits, but doesn’t quite match…that’s the extra effort. I’m adding to the two of everything.
“Do you want a new Christmas stocking?”, she asked. I hadn’t thought about it till that moment.
I haven’t had a new Christmas stocking since the divorce. The one I brought with me is laying in a box of unused Christmas items. These items that at one time, we enjoyed having, but they no longer resonate. That was my stocking.
Letting go of what you once were makes room for the new.
My new Christmas stocking is completely different than the other one. This is how my daughter sees me today. She knew before I did that it was time.
I spent some time over the weekend looking at the changes in my life.
I went to see a neighbor yesterday and it was like stepping back in time. Her husband was sitting on the couch watching a football game. I had forgotten it’s football season. This time last year, I was sitting on a couch watching football.
Later, I was driving into town and saw an abundance of firewood for sale. This time last year was all about the firewood. Where I was, there was a fireplace. This year, I asked my landlord if he would be willing to to knock down a wall and put one in this little house. He said, “No.”
Hey, you don’t know until you ask.
My other neighbor told me I could buy a fireplace. He saw a little heater that resembled a fireplace, so I did some research.
This is what I came home with.
I actually like this little guy better than the real thing. With the flip of a switch you have instant cozy, no mess and no wood to buy.
We have heard it said, ‘Home is where the heart is’, but today my darlings, this heart is home.
A couple of weeks ago, I saw this hibiscus plant at the market. The price was marked way down because it’s at the end of it’s season. It looked so healthy and full of buds that I had to bring it home. It would be the last of the blooms.
The hibiscus displays one bloom a day.
It opens up to reveal it’s beauty all the way to the core and then politely closes at the end of the day. Even closed it’s beautiful, but it knows when it’s done. It doesn’t try to stay in bloom.
I feel as if I’ve bloomed quite a bit this year and maybe that’s why I’m embracing the change in season. I’m ready to not bloom for a while. To take a season of rest.
Not everything I planted in the yard this year bloomed. The cannas and trumpet vine along the fence bloomed once, but they’re happily growing. So maybe that’s it. We have to grow before we can bloom. We have to be fully ready to bloom.
I walked out on the front porch with coffee in hand. It was early morning, but the temperature was already warm. August in Texas.
My daughter gauges my well-being by the amount of glitter on the porch. This morning, you could tell it has not been maintained and every potted plant was struggling. I sat down with my coffee and gazed at the yard, knowing what it needs.
It needed a good drenching.
I’ve been working a lot. Having three part-time jobs is taking it’s toll on my body, mind and spirit. My work load has intensified and some days I work two jobs on the same day. On Thursday, I worked all three. Bossman at the Pizza place said, “Everybody wants a piece of Barb.”
The key is to not run out of pieces.
I walked over and grabbed the hose.
♥ ♥ ♥
What you just read has been sitting in drafts since last week. That’s as far as I got with it, but this morning, I was right back at the same spot.
Sitting on the porch with coffee. Looking at the little bit of glitter scattered across the porch and covered by debris. The yard was coughing at me from lack of water. My daughter didn’t have to ask how I was doing this morning. She took one look at me and said, “You’re tired.”
But the great thing about this is….awareness. There was a time in my life that I would have just pushed through, but not today. You work at a slower pace. I turned the phone off for 30 minutes to allow myself a moment to catch up.
Awareness and knowing when to pause.
I stopped typing this post last week and left it in drafts, but knew I’d come back to it. I don’t have to quit. I’m just practicing pause and rest.
The quote on that sign has been my mindset over the years. It really is a mindset darling. You can have the life you want if you want it enough.
Anything is possible if we open our minds to it. The key is to think higher thoughts. Dream big as they say. There can be no space for negative thoughts, because faith works both ways my love. What we think about most, comes to fruition.
Here is a photo of that sign.
This is actually my second one.
I gave the first one away to a lady to show her what’s possible. Sitting here today I realize giving her that sign wouldn’t change her life. She could hang it as a reminder of what would happen, if she was willing to make changes herself.
Last week, I was walking through a store trying to find my way to the exit. I took a shortcut down an aisle and saw a lady straightening a row of pillows. This one caught my eye and came home with me.
I love this little bird. I’ve written about my saga with the bird-feeder and squirrels. I really want the birds to win and the squirrels to go somewhere else. Don’t give up the fight my darlings! Life is beautiful!