The silver bracelet I wore during Chemo was inscribed with, “Be still and know that I am God.” That is all I knew then, and now. Each part of our journey prepares us for what’s next.
Monday afternoon, I stretched out across my bed to rest, as I waited for my daughter to get home. Our semi-feral kitten, John Cena, was in the house, and my bedroom door was open. He hopped up on the bed, and began kneading the blanket lying next to me. To be in that moment of laying there, and listening to him kneading prepared me for today.
Just being here as she does her thing on her Mac. I stared out her bedroom window for hours, but I was present. When I would get up to go do something, she would ask, “Are you leaving me?” I would smile, go do my thing, come back and sit on the bed. “No darling. I am not.” It’s been a glad day.
The saying, “Big Hot Mess”, has new meaning to me. I just watched a video by Steve Harvey, and he broke it down simply. Let’s see if I can do the same.
I like simple. There is nothing fancy about me, but I’m happy. I had fancy, but my life was not a happy life. I could walk through my home, and see pretty things, but I couldn’t look in a mirror.
You see, my then husband and I were living above our means. We were buying all these beautiful, expensive things, and putting them on credit cards. That will be in the bookI’m writing, but I haven’t needed to use a credit card in 5 years. Lesson learned.
Steve Harvey used to work for Ford Motor Company. He was a foundry which builds the engine block. The block is the foundation of the engine. You have to have a solid block before adding pieces to the engine. It all begins with scraps. Twenty something years later, Steve is a spokesman for Ford.
Ford uses scrap metal to build their engine blocks. The scraps are laying in a junk yard, and look useless. Are you underneath a pile of junk? Like some of the things that are happening in your life right now feel overwhelming? You may be in the furnace being melted, so God can use you!
When I was willing to let all that stuff go. To walk out of the glass house I had built for myself, it was like God said, “Yay! There you are. Let’s get to work!!!”
You see, I was a mess. I felt like a car that had been wrecked. I was so tired of keeping up with the Jones’, and I didn’t even know anybody with the last name Jones!
All the pieces of my past. Everything I had been through were piling up. I was my own personal junkyard, and the pile was getting pretty intense! Then here comes God.
Steve Harvey showed a video of how an engine block is made. They would dump all that scrap metal into a fiery furnace, and it would melt down into liquid form. A machine would pour the liquid into a mold, and here comes my favorite part…A giant claw would come by and grab the mold! Have you been melted down, and then grabbed by God?
Well, hold on tight baby cuz this is where it gets good!!!
Going through Breast Cancerlast year changed me. I had been writing for three years, and felt like I was doing okay with it. Those three years were my ‘push ups’.
Can you do pushups? They start out small, but the more you do them, the better it gets. What starts out with 5 pushups, goes to 10 pretty soon, and as long as you keep doing it, (like writing, and publishing each Blog), you are at 100 before you know it.
Well, I had written over 350 posts, and found out I have Cancer. I wrote less last year, but when I could think, I wrote. God was refining me. He used what I was going through not only to encourage others, but to melt me down, and pour me into His mold for me.
When I first started writing, I was covered in junk. Writing has been a very healing process, but you see, I was choosing what to write. I was picking up a piece from the top of the pile, and writing about that. I would ask God to bless it and write it.
Then after doing so many pushups, I was getting stronger but not becoming more brave. I was not brave enough to share the really good stuff. The stuff that was painful to share. That is where Cancer came in. Through Cancer, God made me brave.
Steve mentions in the video that once the hot liquid becomes solid, his job was to hit it with a sledgehammer. Wait….I’m having a Pat Benatar moment.
After about 3 weeks into Chemo, I would come home and pass out. It started off slow and was a gradual buildup of the toxins invading my body to kill that major toxin. Once I had more of the bad stuff in me, than good, God would hit me with his mighty hand.
Like a sledgehammer.
People would ask me what it felt like to have Chemo. I would sorta laugh and tell them, “It feels like being hit by something a lot bigger than me!” My God is big!
Steve would hit the block with a sledgehammer, to make sure it was solid. To make sure there were no air holes, or loose pieces. Then here comes the best part. If it passed the test….wait, did you get that? Let me write it in bold for ya….”If it passed the test…“, the block would continue down the conveyor belt and start receiving additional pieces.
Am I preachin good? We have to be solid before God will add anything else!!!
If you have made it this far into what I’ve been trying to share, you are a Badass! This is probably one of my longer ones, but it has been spirit led. I will not put any restraints on what God wants me to share. No more picking what to write from the top of the pile.
I know you have already spent a good chunk of your time with me, and I am grateful, but if you can spare 30 more minutes, here is the video by Steve Harvey. Be blessed.
This song came to mind as I was driving to my mammogram appointment Thursday.
As I mentioned in “Test of Faith“, Seymour saw me as ‘suffering in silence’, during the Chemo part of my Breast Cancer Journey. I did get quiet during The Red Devil part, but I want to assure you, I saw every message, email, and text come into my phone. It was laying on the bed beside me, and would sometimes wake me up from the vibration of love.
My daughter’s bedroom is across the hall, and I heard her playing this song, as it floated across into my room. Those last two doses of Red Devil had me under a spell, and this song described exactly how I felt physically. In the song, he is talking about leaving/dying, which I knew I wasn’t, but I was thinking. “This is what it feels like when people die.”
It’s not that we want to be alone, and thanks to you, we don’t feel alone. I would pick up my phone, and look at it with one eye closed, trying to focus on the screen, but it hurt my eyes. I could see, and feel the love, but could not physically respond for several days.
Thank you for the love, as I laid there and let God fight my battle.
I dedicate this song to the loved ones that want to help, but don’t know how. Your presence is known, even if it’s not acknowledged. We’re just soggy from the Chemo.
PS. Twenty-One Pilots remade this song as a tribute to ‘My Chemical Romance’, who is the original artist.
A year changes you a lot. It’s hard to believe that a year ago, the lump in my left breast was so painful, I could hardly breathe. Fast forward to this moment. I have one more Radiation treatment left. That lump is not there anymore, and this Breast Cancer Journey is ending.
Every ending has a new beginning. Sitting here at my laptop, I’m not certain what that looks like, but I know it will come. My daily routine will have a hole to be filled.
My daughter didn’t sleep well lastnight because Numi was in her room. She wouldn’t settle down, and go to sleep like she normally does in the hallway, so tonight Numi will have different sleeping arrangements made for her. A good night’s sleep is very important. It sets the tone for the following day, and tomorrow is a day of celebration.
There were parts of this journey that taught me to celebrate something as simple as breathing. I couldn’t have coffee during Chemo, but today I am savoring a cup of freshly ground drip. Each day is a celebration. It has taken time, but it’s almost over.
My daughter and I live in a very small town. We found out recently, that people ride by and look to see if our vehicles are here. They know when we’re home, and when we’re not home. I’m sure they mean well, but in today’s world, that could be considered ‘stalking.’
There is a man who lives in this little town that seems to know everybody’s bizness. He knew when I was going through Chemo, when I had my surgery, and he knows I’m going through Radiation. He didn’t hear it from me, but somehow he knows these things. I wonder how?
His wife has had Breast Cancer, and from what I gather talking with him, she is battling it again. He didn’t go through doctor’s to heal her. He knows people from years ago that cured Cancer naturally. He stopped by my house yesterday, and handed me a bottle of dark liquid.
How do we discern the right path? I believe there are signs along the way.
God has healed me, and He used everything I went through to do so. Will the Cancer return? I don’t know, but will cross that bridge if it appears. I thank God everyday for healing me, and I haven’t asked Him to send backup. In other words, I haven’t prayed this man into my life.
That was the first sign for me. Another sign is, whatever he just handed me is illegal. He told me he could go to jail for giving it to me. That was a big red flag because I don’t do illegal.
I would love to meet his wife one day. To see her, and hear her story. He said she has lost 40 pounds, and is healthy as a horse. Going through Chemo, I lost 20 pounds, and I didn’t feel healthy. I felt very frail, and missed that extra weight. Slowly, I am gaining it back, and 20 pounds kept me in the safe zone. Losing anything more than 20, I would be skin and bones.
As if I hadn’t heard enough, he just had to throw this in. This liquid tastes like death itself. For it to work, I will need to cut out ALL sugar, wheat and pasta. Welp, that did it for me!
I love wheat! My man has taught me how to make our own pasta, and I cannot imagine my life without chocolate. So, he was handing me something illegal that tastes like death, and I may lose 40 pounds because I would have to stop eating! I eat healthy, but love my treats. Everyday just happens to be an occasion to celebrate with a piece of dark chocolate, or two.
When people come into our lives, there is always a reason. I haven’t quite figured out the reason behind this man, but God will show me in time. He is pretty comfortable barging into people’s lives, so maybe no one has told him ‘no’ before. God knows I have learned how to do that too. Whatever the reason behind it, I know it will be for my good, and God’s glory.
Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, and loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of 2016 that she had Breast Cancer. She has completed Chemo, and is starting Radiation. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com
There are some parts of my past I will not forget. Parts of the past can still be pretty.
I haven’t been writing much, but I’m going to be writing as often as I feel this month. Just because I haven’t written, doesn’t mean there are no Blogs in me. It’s just slowing down long enough to feel the words, and put them on this page. This is what I experienced today.
The Marriott Bed. There is nothing quite like it.
My favorite part of traveling was staying at the JW Marriott. My favorite part of the room, was the bed. If you have never slid into a Marriott bed, put it on your bucket list. It’s a must.
It’s the time of year where we are thinking of buying for others. Many are Christmas shopping, or wondering what to buy for those close to them. It is difficult to think of buying for myself, and I would much rather buy for others. Is it difficult for you to buy for yourself?
After I posted my Blog Make It Pretty this morning, I walked across the room and knew today was the day. That moment was the exact moment I needed to click the button.
You see, I have slowly been pulling together my dream bed.
It all started with the right headboard. I walked up to one of my favorite Vintage Shops over a year ago, and there it sat on the porch of the shop. It was handwoven rattan, thick and sturdy. The shop owners had just got it in, and when he saw my face, he loaded it into my truck. That was the start of my bed. He didn’t know what to charge me, so he asked for $50.
I brought it home. Next came the perfect mattress, and the bed was taking shape.
Living in Texas, you don’t need a heavy blanket on your bed. I like layers. For my birthday last year, I bought really good sheets. That was my present to me. I brought good sheets from my former life, but these were the first sheets I had bought for me, and my bed. Maybe you think this is silly, but self care shouldn’t come to a screeching halt during the holidays.
It’s getting colder in Texas, and I saw the weather toward the end of the week where it’s going to be freezing at night. I have been looking at the goose down comforter from the Marriott Bed, for months. I knew this would be a big investment, but I have been dreaming about it for years. This afternoon, I went online to the shopping cart and clicked the button.
It had been sitting in my cart just waiting for the right moment. Mainly it was waiting for me. I never knew how important this bed was going to be until I went through Chemo.
It was very peaceful laying in that bed for a few days after Chemo. I didn’t have to leave.
Do you have something inside you that you’ve always wanted?
My life is simple today, and I don’t feel the need to go stay at a JW Marriott. That bed though, is one piece of my past I will gradually, and over time, bring into my present life.
Barbara is a God follower, a Writer, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Part of her mission is to show people they can start over at 50. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com
Many of my daily devotionals recently have been about trusting God. It’s not so hard to trust Him, but to lay your life at His feet, and to trust Him completely with the outcome.
I’m still working on that.
Looking back over my life some rather large mountains have been removed. Things happened that I had no control over, and I worried how to get through. Worrying about the future. It’s human nature to visualize ourselves coping badly in those situations. It’s my nature to devise a plan, and fix it, but that is not including God. I’d rather have God lead.
He is the master fixer of my life. My life is very simple today, and I don’t stir things up like I used to. When a situation presents itself, I know it’s going to be an opportunity for God to show up, and show off. I will need to stay out of it, and respond as little as possible. The most recent being my Breast Cancer Journey. Oh, I had plenty of ideas how to handle that.
Sitting here this morning, pondering my appointment with the Radiologist this afternoon, thinking my journey would be over by now. Having the lumpectomy a few weeks ago, and the Cancer being removed, we should be done. Obviously not, or I wouldn’t be sitting here dreading my appointment! This is me worrying about the path ahead, and not including God.
A dear friend sent me this earlier this week. She knew nothing of my upcoming appointment, so I’m sure it was God prompting her to send it. It brought the whole Breast Cancer Journey back into view. ‘You are living through a major expansion of your faith’, describes this journey perfectly. Yes, I am uncomfortable, but I believe that is okay today.
Isn’t that why we shrink to begin with? The discomfort.
I told everyone that would listen that I didn’t want radiation. In my mind, after the surgery, I was done. It sounded good, but I must keep walking through open doors. When I told my surgeon I didn’t want it, she gasped! In amazement she looked at me and said, “Barbara. How can you come this far, and not finish the journey? This is the last leg of the path!”
Thanks to Chemo, I am not afraid of this path. Chemo could have easily been the worst thing I’ve ever been through, but God was there. Chemo was a dark, and lonely path, but it could have been so much worse than it was. I wasn’t sick during it, and the only side effect I really had was the extreme fatigue. It knocked the wind out of me for at least three days.
I didn’t write much during those dark days, as friends tried their best to encourage me.
They would say, “You’re so brave”, and “You kicked Cancer’s butt”. Oh no darlings. My body was curled up in a fetal position in the middle of my bed, and I was gazing out the bedroom window depending on God to get me through it. He did, and He will continue to do so. Radiation may look like an inconvenience to me, but it’s really an opportunity to be used by God. What I wanted to be complete, is obvious today, that’s it’s only a curve in the path.
Barbara is a God follower, a Writer, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Part of her mission is to show people they can start over at 50. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com
I slept through the night. That in itself is a miracle. I woke up thinking about a Blog I wrote lastnight before bed entitled, Change In Season. I wanted to pull it up, and delete it because I wasn’t happy with it. Since when is this Blog about me? I just write what’s on my heart.
The next thing I thought of was what day it is. It’s Tuesday, but I don’t have Chemo. Week two begins of the three week break. There is no feeling of dread this morning. No dark cloud following me around. It’s a new day full of possibilities, and more healing for my body.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life it’s this. There is a reason, and a season for everything. Now, God doesn’t reveal the reason for the season in the beginning, but when it’s over, you will know why. Let me encourage you to be present in the season you’re in.
A season can last a long time. I have a friend that has been battling Breast Cancer a lot longer than me. To look at her circumstances, it seems to be getting worse, and not better. Let me tell you that God gives His biggest battles, to His toughest soldiers. When her battle is over, it’s going to be obvious that God did for her what she couldn’t do for herself.
I have another friend that is in a season of quiet. She doesn’t feel she is being used by God.
This woman has been used by God her entire life. She introduced me to a church that reconnected me to God, and she was my daughter’s Nanny for a short time. She brought joy and laughter to our lives, and years later, she still does. When you are in a season of quiet, that stinkin Devil will walk in and make you doubt every aspect of your life.
I have been in a season of quiet for a long time. Going through Chemo has made it challenging to write. The toxins alone mess with your mind and body, and give ample opportunity for the devil to kick you while you’re down. Not today Satan. Not today.
I started questioning my mission, and pondered maybe I should stop writing. Am I reaching people, or helping them in any way? I have to believe that God will use this Blog to encourage others. Even if I don’t see a lot of comments, or hear from people as often as I would like. I’ve always had a big mouth, and I’m not afraid to use it. Even if I just reach one.
That same friend that isn’t feeling used by God, took time to encourage me yesterday.
She said she is always encouraged by my Blog. She has said in the past that she always gets something out of it, and sometimes it feels like it’s written specifically for her. Well my friend if your are reading this, let me assure you that God is still using you. The writer over here that was doubting her ability to write again, has just written another Blog.
I would love to hear about the season you are in. Feel free to share in the comment section.
Barbara is a God follower, a Writer, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Part of her mission is to show people they can start over at 50. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com
I’ve written quite a bit about this Breast Cancer Journey I’m on. Talking to a dear friend earlier, it made me realize I haven’t really summed up the changes in writing. It’s easy for me to forget all the small things I went through. My journey has been relatively easy compared to others, but maybe that is so I can encourage them, and continue writing.
All of the hair completely fell off my body. The hair on my head was messy, but the rest went without a sound. I was looking at my arm one day, noticing the longish hairs thinning out. The next time I looked, it was gone, and replaced with a layer of fuzz. The same with my legs. The sun came through my bedroom window one morning and revealed a layer of peach fuzz. It almost seems cruel to shave them because they fought so hard to get here.
It’s easy for me to look at this now, and see how God has gone before me. I had no idea what to expect, but He knew, and He has been with me every step of the way. Thank you Jesus.
The doctor told me, this last round of Chemo would show me extreme fatigue. I thought I knew what tired was, because my body was very tired. No…extreme fatigue is something completely different. I will be doing something, or planning to do something, and my body just marches off to the bedroom and lays down. Sometimes I sleep, and sometimes I lay.
I lay differently now. Where I used to curl up under the covers, I now lay on top with my favorite throw. During the night, I get hot, and then cold, so it easier with a throw instead of sheets and blankets. Pillows are thrown all over the bed, so I have many positions to choose from. The body will heal itself if we only be still and let it do what it was made to do.
I cannot drink coffee anymore. Anyone who knows me, knows this is huge. It tastes awful, and makes my body feel bad. I don’t get hungry, and feel no hunger pains. After losing almost 20 pounds, I learned I had to make myself eat regardless of my body being quiet.
It’s like my body only wants good things. Oh, I’ve eaten cookies, and cake for quick calories, but my body is not happy afterwards. Just like we are coming into the new fall season, God is making me new. Everything that I thought was so important before Chemo, is really not important at all. God has scraped my plate clean, and is preparing me for new.
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” I have carried that verse with me this entire journey. That has been my daily lesson. I haven’t really done anything in this journey to help it along. I don’t have an agenda anymore, but somehow everything gets done. All I needed was to surrender myself to Him, and trust Him completely. He has caught me every time I fell across my bed, as a reminder to rest my body, so I will be strong enough to fly.
I have met three people this week that live in the same town I live in. This came to my attention just by talking, and asking questions to people I’ve run into throughout the week.
This small town, with one 4-way stop, has some darling people living in it. Recently, I have realized how much I miss talking face to face with people. Now, I see people everyday, but to take time to ask questions, and listen to their story is what I miss. To encourage them along their path, and give them a hug if needed. Real life actually has real people in it.
Two years ago, I posted my first Meme on my Letitgocoach Facebook page. I thought it would be a way to reach the masses, and encourage them. It took a year to reach 1,000 likes. Another year has passed, and the page has almost 10,000 likes. There has been almost 1,000 Memes posted to the page. It looks like I am reaching people, but that is not the case.
Social Media outlets like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter control how many people you reach. With almost 10,000 likes to the page, you would think I have a lot of interaction with people. I can count on one hand how many people are in my daily life because of this page.
One of the most difficult things in life for me is, deciding how long to stay somewhere. God knows this about me, and I’m sure He gets a chuckle out of how long I will hold on to someone, or something, and try everyway imagineable to make it work. This is when I have to remember the name God gave this Blog, and Letitgocoach. It is time for me to let it go.
This year has been an amazing journey through self. As I sit here at my desk typing this, I’m looking out the window, and around at my surroundings. Everything I see is pretty, and has some type of story behind it. The mug that holds my coffee is Vintage Starbucks, with their Mermaid wrapped around the mug, painted in gold. Every item has meaning and love.
When I started this Blog, my dream was to write a book. This has been placed on the back burner more times than I can count. For some reason, my journey through Breast Cancer, and Chemo, has given me remarkable clarity is all areas of my life. I am now ready to write that book, and give people something to hold in their hands, and not have Wi-Fi involved.
If you are reading this from one of my social media pages, thank you for being here. It may not make sense for me to be stepping away from social media in this day and age, but I’m excited. Why do people feel so alone today, and live with high anxiety if social media is social? Call me old fashioned but I don’t believe anything can replace a human touch.
Barbara is a Jesus Freak, a Writer, and Mom to her 17-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Part of her mission is to show people they can start over at 50. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com
When I was willing to let all that stuff go. To walk out of the glass house I had built for myself, it was like God said, “Yay! There you are. Let’s get to work!!!”
