Since publishing All or Nothing, I’ve been practicing holding the pose in that ‘in between’ area of life. Walking the ‘fine line’, between all or nothing.
Monday, I was driving to get a haircut and the CD player switched CD’s to a teaching I hadn’t heard in years. I didn’t remember having preacher/teacher CD’s loaded in the player, so I listened while I drove. He was talking about the ‘eventually’s’, and how the dreams in our heart come to pass eventually. It’s always God’s timing and not ours, so therein lies the in between.
I was asked to partake in a new position with one of my jobs, and went through some of the training videos to prepare for it. Then, December rolled around which is the busiest time of year for most, and the training stopped. The new position is just hanging in mid air waiting for the man I work with to pop it back into my court. If the position is meant for me, it’ll come back around, but sometimes God will test our willingness to walk in a different direction.
Show me a direction and I’ll show you a decision has been made.
It’s still warm here in Texas, but I’m keeping an eye on the Hibiscus. It’s sitting outside blooming in December, but will come indoors if the temps drops below 50 degrees Fahrenheit and remain there. This plant has taught me a lot this year and I want to protect it to learn more from it next year. You’d think full bloom would be my favorite part of this plant, but recently it’s been the in between. The bud begins to open then decides to enjoy the space of halfway there.
As you can see my darling, there is beauty in the in between.
That’s the type person I’ve always been. Sitting here covering a blank page with thoughts, this page began as a title sitting in drafts waiting for some love.
When I was taking care of the yard this summer, I’d water all of the flowers whether they needed it or not. My daughter would look at a new plant and exclaim, “Thrive or die!” 😂 While some needed water directly, others would catch the overflow from the rain head and receive a little anyway, but with me holding the hose, there wasn’t a time where a flower received absolutely nothing.
I’ve been thinking about taking some time off from work and received the greenlight from my Team to do so next week. Friends are already asking, “What are you going to do with your week off, or what do you have planned?” My response has been, “Absolutely nothing”. I have some things in mind, but it’s mainly little things I’ve pushed aside while working.
I want to sit on my bench in front of the fire pit with a steaming cup of coffee and tend a fire. I want to drop notes in the mail to friends and have ordered some cards with each person in mind. I might give the bathroom a thorough cleaning because it’s been wiped down each week, but it needs some love. The only thing on my calendar for next week is a date with a man who I’ve put off meeting over work.
I want to find that fine line between all or nothing and sit there for a while. To quiet the mind and let my heart lead the way because the past few month’s personal lovefest has resembled nothing. That’s the thing about love my darlings. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
Earlier this week while writing my Morning Pages, I noticed the final paragraph was filled with these three words, I need to. There’s a smallish list of things I’ve been setting aside that my heart wants to do.
I need to write some letters to friends, and have been wanting to for weeks. I need to fill out an application for free parking at the lake for my truck, and hopefully have my paddleboard in tow. My board hasn’t been dropped into the water all year. I need to keep calling around about a new windshield for my truck that was hit by a rock and cracked. Things like that.
This month I’ve been looking at commitments, and diving deeper into them. It really made me take a look at what I’m committed to and the quality time I give those commitments. I need to recommit to dating because right now it feels like men are making an appointment to see me. My two jobs are taking all of my commitment, but that’s not good for the mind, body, or spirit in the long run. We need to carve out time for what feeds our hearts.
That night I was reading my Magnolia magazine during a huge thunderstorm. What began as a distraction from the thunder and torrential rain became just what I needed. I didn’t realize this month’s issue was focused on commitment, until I read what’s posted below by Joanna Gaines. This year, I’ve learned to have commitments without projecting any particular outcome and it’s a very freeing experience to just remain committed, no matter what.
“So, as I sit here now, thinking about the pursuits and the people I’m committed to, I’m not worrying about outcomes, or how they should look through the lens of a culture that so highly values results. Because maybe the true purpose of being devoted to something isn’t found in how it ends, but in the way it takes shape~~or even ends up shaping us~~along the way.” ~Joanna Gaines.
So, my lovelies, this weekend I’m going to find some stillness to hear my heart and do what it says I need to.
Every time I listen to this song, I hear something different, but it holds the same message.
On the dating apps there’s a series of questions some want to go through. I answer them, but find myself not asking many in return. One man even asked, “Do you have any questions for me?” I replied, “Yes. Tell me who you are today.” That helps decide if they get a date.
It’s fun talking with my daughter about dating. She just turned 22, so the guys she’s talking with don’t have much of a past. They have so much life ahead of them to learn from. Some of the men around my age, or older are beat up by their past, and hesitant to try again.
I’m thinking about dating men younger than me, but not as young as my daughter. 🙂 By the age of 45 they’ve lived life, and have at least one divorce under their belt, but still have life in them. They haven’t let their past define them, instead they seem to know…
All the boats I’ve missed All the hell I’ve caused All the lips I’ve kissed All the love I’ve lost I got kicked around I’ve been black and blue On my way to you
In November 2020, I wrote down 3 things to keep in mind for 2021. One has come to pass, and I’m working on the second one, but that third one is a daily ‘wait and see’.
I’m not the easiest person to love. I douse my front porch with glitter, and was recently granted permission to do the same to my neighbors driveway, so Barb is glittering up the neighborhood. I noticed the other day, I was showering with soap in the shape and smell of birthday cake.
You may think I’m kidding, but nope.
What was the third thing I wrote down? To fall in love.
Dating apps have become entertainment for me, and I poke fun at myself on FaceBook. Last week, a girlfriend of mine was cheering me on for still being in the dating arena. We chatted and she shared that she stopped looking about a year ago. I cannot leave the dating arena yet because I made this tiny little deal with God. For me to fall in love, I had to be willing to put myself out there to be found.
God realizes I live a fairytale lifestyle, but this a time He told me ‘no’. I fully expected my person to walk up to my front door holding my favorite cup of coffee, but that hasn’t happened. I know in my heart there is someone for me, but the odds are they’re not going to knock on the door. However, I do catch myself checking out every delivery person, just in case.
That was the first step, and it was a scary one, but I’m determined to be fearless in putting myself out there to be found.
As you may know, I’m trying to date again. My daughter and I were talking about all the men I’ve met that haven’t lasted a week. We still laugh about the one who stared at my hair during our first meetup, and asked, “What’s your natural hair color?” I guess it’s hard to discern through all the strands of grey. 🙂
I keep telling my daughter that God knows my heart and He has the one for me, although some days it does feel like I’m sorting through a lot of men.
I had coffee with my neighbor, and she’s using dating apps. She’s actually the person who gave me the courage to try again. During our conversation I realized she and I want the same thing. We’re holding out for that spark. She went on to say, “I know it’s out there Barb because I’ve had it many times before!”
So have I, and this song reminds me of that spark.
Maybe you were one of the 20 people who viewed The Girl Almighty post about not finding a man of faith to date. I removed the post and reverted it back to drafts, because I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Being able to share this song with you today gives me an inclination that I’ll be able to share more about my dating ventures in future posts.
My post on dating apps has been pulled back into drafts. I may do a mini-series of my experience using the apps, but here’s what I’ve seen across the board. It’s all about putting yourself out there. Making yourself emotionally, mentally and physically available.
It’s easier being single. I get to do what I want, anytime I please, and thoroughly enjoy my life, but the part I miss is when the ‘I’ becomes ‘we’.
No relationship is perfect, but I believe it’s so important that we have them. I don’t believe we were created to roam this earth alone, but over time we get used to it and it begins to feel good. A new normal. We know what to expect, because it’s only us in the picture.
I love on people, and have even made it my job to do so. I get paid to make peoples lives easier and in some ways better. My life motto is, ‘Leave them better than I found them’, so I have love in my life, but I miss the being in love.
There’s no other feeling like it and love will find us when we make ourselves available to be found.