Earlier this week while writing my Morning Pages, I noticed the final paragraph was filled with these three words, I need to. There’s a smallish list of things I’ve been setting aside that my heart wants to do.
I need to write some letters to friends, and have been wanting to for weeks. I need to fill out an application for free parking at the lake for my truck, and hopefully have my paddleboard in tow. My board hasn’t been dropped into the water all year. I need to keep calling around about a new windshield for my truck that was hit by a rock and cracked. Things like that.
This month I’ve been looking at commitments, and diving deeper into them. It really made me take a look at what I’m committed to and the quality time I give those commitments. I need to recommit to dating because right now it feels like men are making an appointment to see me. My two jobs are taking all of my commitment, but that’s not good for the mind, body, or spirit in the long run. We need to carve out time for what feeds our hearts.
That night I was reading my Magnolia magazine during a huge thunderstorm. What began as a distraction from the thunder and torrential rain became just what I needed. I didn’t realize this month’s issue was focused on commitment, until I read what’s posted below by Joanna Gaines. This year, I’ve learned to have commitments without projecting any particular outcome and it’s a very freeing experience to just remain committed, no matter what.
“So, as I sit here now, thinking about the pursuits and the people I’m committed to, I’m not worrying about outcomes, or how they should look through the lens of a culture that so highly values results. Because maybe the true purpose of being devoted to something isn’t found in how it ends, but in the way it takes shape~~or even ends up shaping us~~along the way.” ~Joanna Gaines.
So, my lovelies, this weekend I’m going to find some stillness to hear my heart and do what it says I need to.
Every time I listen to this song, I hear something different, but it holds the same message.
On the dating apps there’s a series of questions some want to go through. I answer them, but find myself not asking many in return. One man even asked, “Do you have any questions for me?” I replied, “Yes. Tell me who you are today.” That helps decide if they get a date.
It’s fun talking with my daughter about dating. She just turned 22, so the guys she’s talking with don’t have much of a past. They have so much life ahead of them to learn from. Some of the men around my age, or older are beat up by their past, and hesitant to try again.
I’m thinking about dating men younger than me, but not as young as my daughter. 🙂 By the age of 45 they’ve lived life, and have at least one divorce under their belt, but still have life in them. They haven’t let their past define them, instead they seem to know…
All the boats I’ve missed All the hell I’ve caused All the lips I’ve kissed All the love I’ve lost I got kicked around I’ve been black and blue On my way to you
In November 2020, I wrote down 3 things to keep in mind for 2021. One has come to pass, and I’m working on the second one, but that third one is a daily ‘wait and see’.
I’m not the easiest person to love. I douse my front porch with glitter, and was recently granted permission to do the same to my neighbors driveway, so Barb is glittering up the neighborhood. I noticed the other day, I was showering with soap in the shape and smell of birthday cake.
You may think I’m kidding, but nope.
What was the third thing I wrote down? To fall in love.
Dating apps have become entertainment for me, and I poke fun at myself on FaceBook. Last week, a girlfriend of mine was cheering me on for still being in the dating arena. We chatted and she shared that she stopped looking about a year ago. I cannot leave the dating arena yet because I made this tiny little deal with God. For me to fall in love, I had to be willing to put myself out there to be found.
God realizes I live a fairytale lifestyle, but this is one time He told me ‘no’. I fully expected a man to walk up to my front door holding my favorite cup of coffee, but that hasn’t happened. I know in my heart there is a man for me, but the odds are he’s not going to knock on the door. However, I do catch myself checking out every delivery man just in case God changes His mind. That doesn’t happen either.
That was the first step, and it was a scary one, but I’m determined to be fearless in putting myself out there to be found.
As you may know, I’m trying to date again. My daughter and I were talking about all the men I’ve met that haven’t lasted a week. We still laugh about the one who stared at my hair during our first meetup, and asked, “What’s your natural hair color?” I guess it’s hard to discern through all the strands of grey. 🙂
I keep telling my daughter that God knows my heart and He has the one for me, although some days it does feel like I’m sorting through a lot of men.
I had coffee with my neighbor, and she’s using dating apps. She’s actually the person who gave me the courage to try again. During our conversation I realized she and I want the same thing. We’re holding out for that spark. She went on to say, “I know it’s out there Barb because I’ve had it many times before!”
So have I, and this song reminds me of that spark.
Maybe you were one of the 20 people who viewed The Girl Almighty post about not finding a man of faith to date. I removed the post and reverted it back to drafts, because I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Being able to share this song with you today gives me an inclination that I’ll be able to share more about my dating ventures in future posts.
My post on dating apps has been pulled back into drafts. I may do a mini-series of my experience using the apps, but here’s what I’ve seen across the board. It’s all about putting yourself out there. Making yourself emotionally, mentally and physically available.
It’s easier being single. I get to do what I want, anytime I please, and thoroughly enjoy my life, but the part I miss is when the ‘I’ becomes ‘we’.
No relationship is perfect, but I believe it’s so important that we have them. I don’t believe we were created to roam this earth alone, but over time we get used to it and it begins to feel good. A new normal. We know what to expect, because it’s only us in the picture.
I love on people, and have even made it my job to do so. I get paid to make peoples lives easier and in some ways better. My life motto is, ‘Leave them better than I found them’, so I have love in my life, but I miss the being in love.
There’s no other feeling like it and love will find us when we make ourselves available to be found.