Tag: #divineappointment

Creating That Space

Last November, I went to the lake near my home and sat down to just stare at the water. I knew there was too much on my plate, but had forgotten, I’m the one holding the spoon.

My daily life was full of unfulfilling acts. Life is designed to be fulfilling, but my actions were fulfilling a need in others, and draining me. It’s been a gradual process beginning in January.

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I sat down at the lake craving calm. This stack of rocks was sitting to my right, and I wanted my life to be as Zen as this moment. I wondered where the rocks came from, but saw it as a divine appointment. They were sitting there, so I would see them. In the stillness, I heard three words, ‘Scrape your plate.’

I was raised in an era where I was responsible for everything I put on my plate. At dinner Mama would watch as we scooped out large portions of mashed potatoes, or took one too many slices of ham. She never forced us to eat everything she offered, but she expected us to eat what we took out.

Before leaving the table she’d say, “Clean your plate.”

She was never angry if I didn’t eat everything, but she wanted me to learn the value of her time. I learned to take out what I knew I could eat, and go back for seconds if still hungry, but I lost that lesson somewhere along the way. We control the spoon.

I’d help clear the table, and Mama would open the kitchen trashcan, point to it and say, ‘Scrape your plate’.

There’s a balance to life, but also a timing.

As soon as the new year began, I knew what needed to be scraped. Some people would be upset, and others disappointed, but I’d get through it. Anything I laid my hand to that wasn’t fulfilling got removed from the plate. By the end of June my plate was clean, except for my one job taking up adequate space.

And I haven’t picked up another spoon. Finding that space.

jamesclear

This is in continuation of Finding That Balance.

Stopping to Go

Today, I gave my daughter the day off from being my daughter.

She harbors these ‘people pleasing’ abilities that will wear off over time. Her father’s hectic life is adding stress to hers, but he needs her more than I do right now. Not wanting to add to an already stressful situation, I encouraged her not to come home today as planned. She was grateful.

I went to an AA meeting at noon. I was in the midst of cleaning house, and didn’t mind stopping to go, if God saw fit. Walking through the motions of getting ready, I told God, “If you really want me to go, everything will fall into place seamlessly.” At 11:40, I was ready to walk out the door.

Walking into the meeting, I noticed a young lady sitting there that I haven’t seen before. She had made a similar deal with God.

“Okay God, If you want me to go to this meeting, someone will walk in that I need to see.”

Long story short, she asked me to be her temporary sponsor.

This is the second woman in the past 30 days that God has placed in my path to sponsor. I have no clue how to be a sponsor, but I know how to stay sober, and I can coach.

I sat down yesterday, and came across this page in SC Lourie’s new journal. It sums up precisely where I am today.

Here is what it says.

“I had to stop waiting. Waiting to be that person I always hoped I would become. Waiting for that person to rescue me. Waiting until I felt ready. Waiting until I had healed. Waiting until I got things right. Waiting until I was seen, noticed, acknowledged, or remembered. Waiting for that ultimate day somewhere in the future that would change everything. Soon after, I realised something. You are either waiting, or you are living. I choose to live. To end the wait.” SC Lourie

 

Let’s Get Fried

My daughter and I arrived home yesterday to a house that was 98 degrees inside. I had set the thermostat on 82 before we left, and it should’ve stayed around that temperature.

Upon further investigation, a snake had coiled himself around the A/C fan. Fried my fan, and himself in the process. The part was ordered, and then began the cooling of the house.

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Last Tuesday was not Chemo as usual.

They started a new Chemo called, “The Red Devil.” After that day, I don’t recall much for the next 3 days. Just like that snake, I was fried. It took a full 5 days to feel somewhat like the living again. Needless to say, I had a talk with God Monday morning, explaining to Him that if this was the plan, it really sucked.

Standing in my backyard, talking to the A/C man, he pointed to my port and said, “I know what that’s for.” His name is Micheal, which is one of my favorite John Travolta movies.

He told me about his girlfriend that went through some vicious Chemo, but survived. I found it so odd, because he kept saying over and over again, “I’m here to encourage you.”

We both knew he was there by Divine Appointment.

Before he left, he prayed over me, and reminded me that, “It is done.” Micheal knew the Bible like I know my favorite back road, and he kept professing God’s word, encouraging me down this path. The path that I was reevaluating as truly mine. As he turned to leave, he told me, “God is not mad at you.” Like he knew the stern talk I had with Him that morning.

God had it all planned. He knew when I was going to be able to drive home, and let that snake fry. (I find it rather humorous He sent a snake to do the job) He sent Micheal, who noticed my port, my bald head, and my frustration immediately, and said, “I want to pray over you before I leave.” I felt I had lost a week of my life but, it had prepared me for today.

It is a cool 80 degrees in my home right now, and getting cooler. The men strapped a box fan on top of the A/C unit, to pull the hot air out of the house. Then my landlord brought over an LG floor unit, which I highly recommend. That thing will cool! We haven’t had a cool evening in Texas in months, but the last two evenings have been unusually cool here.

I have fought many a devil in my day, but for some reason, I don’t feel the need to fight this red one today. It’s obvious the path has already been cleared, and as He says, “It is done.”