Tag: #divorceover50

Light the Fuses

I woke up this morning pondering how different my life is today, compared to a few years ago.

I believe we all have a beautiful life, filled with God’s goodness. Now, whether or not we can see it, is the question. I couldn’t see mine. The marriage I was in for 25 years, had taken a sharp turn after 15 years. I was sober. By taking the drink away, I was the real me.

Staying for 10 more years was a struggle between where I was, and where I knew I could be.

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Change your thinking and change your life.

I’ve listened to a lot of motivational CD’s over my lifetime. One day, some things I had heard over the years came to the forefront of my mind. Tony Robbins was one of them.

Tony said, “Get disturbed. You’re not going to stand it any longer. What disturbs you in your life? What are you going to do about it today?”

I wasn’t disturbed anymore, even though my life was very disturbing! We become complacent, like it’s okay to live with the hand we are dealt. Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s not okay. I pondered if this was the very best God had planned for me. Where was God?

He was there, watching and waiting.

This was not the life He had planned. This was the life I had created. Then Joyce Meyer’s words came to mind, right after Tony’s. I had heard on one of her CD’s, “Make a decision, so God can get in line and help you.” That was all I needed to hear. I needed to let my disturbing life actually disturb me, and make a decision.

Get disturbed, and make a decision.

I had stopped getting angry. My husband was so angry about everything, you could feel it a mile away. So, I stayed calm because anger fuels more anger. He was miserable too, but didn’t know how to fix it.

I did us both a favor the day I left even though he didn’t see it at first. Sometimes things fall apart completely, so they can fall back together.

I believe we both have a beautiful life today, even though we’re apart. When Tony asked, “What disturbs you in your life?”, it was my whole life. I had to blow it up, and start all over again. It felt like I had lost everything that made life worth living, but I was still standing there, so, what was it time to do?

Get disturbed, make a decision, and light the fuses.

You’re Not Alone

My daughter went to visit a girlfriend Friday evening, and she’s coming home today. I was all alone, but I wasn’t lonely. There is nothing wrong with alone time, and sometimes it’s much needed. We are the only person we actually have in this world, so we need to like us.

I read a comment earlier by a lady on Facebook, and it took me back in time. She has been in an unhappy marriage, for 30 years, and just couldn’t take it anymore. I remember that feeling. Once I made the decision to leave, it was like everything lined up in the Universe, and it all fell into place.

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I believe this Meme to be true.

I couldn’t see any way out of that marriage. All I saw were roadblocks, and impossibilities. I had no money to speak of, and no family to help, but God had a way. The first thing on my list, was to find a place to live. My daughter found a house for rent an hour away from where we lived. It was like the owners were just waiting for us.

We moved in 30 days later, and my daughter and I relearned how to relax, and enjoy life.

That became part of my mission. To show people they can have a beautiful life after 50. I believe some think 50 years old is too late to start over, but it’s not. If anything it’s rather sweet to have all this life experience, and start your life over. I’ve done less stupid things.

Doing what I see possible, hands the baton to God to do the impossible.

Stress is worrying God can’t do His job .

When we depend on Him, and trust His plan, there is no stress. Unless we decide to stress ourselves out with the unknowing of it all. As I was sitting alone yesterday, I reminded myself, everything I need comes from God, not man. He promises to never leaves us, or forsake us, and I believe our part is to never leave Him.

Something else I thought of as I sat alone, was a song by Phillips, Craig and Dean. “You Are God Alone“, is the name of the song. I love the lyrics, and will share some of the with you.

You are not a god
Created by human hands
You are not a god
Dependent on any mortal man
You are not a god
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

[Chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

From before time began, God was God alone.

He is not in need of anything from us, because He is God. I love the way it says, “That’s just the way it is.” No explanation needed. Even in my alone time, I am not alone.

Fight Against Cancer

In 1999, I joined a liquid nutritional company.

I realized even then, we were not getting everything we need from food, and I was no longer in my invincible 20’s. I was with that company, and enjoyed their products for many years.

When it was time to leave my marriage, I gave up this business to leave. I let it go, but did not enjoy running out of product. This product brought my body up to it’s optimum health, and gave me a feeling of well-being.

Striking out on my own with God, my daughter, and going through an stressful divorce, I really missed that product.

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In March of 2016, a dear friend of mine that I met through this company, contacted me. (God works through people.) My position in the company had expired, but she was offering me to join her, and bring me back in. I had a lump growing in my breast, so it was time for this friendship, and product.

God knew I would need it too, and I rejoined the company in March.

March was when I went to the doctor to confirm the lump. My doctor lined up a series of other doctors for me to meet to receive the medical attention we thought necessary.

It all happened so fast that March was a complete blur to me. Everyone was recommending Chemo, and I was looking at them like they were an alien. I remember telling one doctor, “I have spent half my life pouring health, and good things into my body, and you want to shoot me full of poison?”

It was not pretty, but the cancer was aggressive, so Chemo it was.

This product has been a Godsend. I know it has played a huge part in my well being during Chemo. With my body taking in relative poison, to kill the lump, Body Balance poured in goodness. My energy level, and clarity of mind have improved immensely.

My doctor even told me, “I don’t know what you’re doing, but your blood cell count looks better at the end of Chemo, than at the beginning.” That is not the norm. I give the glory to God and Body Balance.

My friend that reached out to me to rejoin, knows I’m a single Mama, and she can relate to that. She helped educate me about Cancer, and Chemo, and been a huge support.

If you, or someone you love, would like to try a bottle, connect with me at Letitgocoach@gmail.com. It will make a huge difference in their fight against Cancer.

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Fast or Slow

I used to be afraid of aging.

Back then, it was for vanity reasons, but I’m not afraid anymore. I like growing up, and learning new things. Now, to just process it all.

I woke up at 6:00 am, grabbed my water bottle, and stepped outside to sit in the porch swing. We have a feral cat that has hung around for a while now. We feed it, but have never been able to get anywhere near it. It looks like she may be pregnant, and as she hopped up on the porch, I heard her purring.

She was full of love, and shared it with me.

It took a while, and much circling on her part, but eventually, she hopped up into the swing. I was amazed being this close to her, so I reached out and lifted her into my lap. She didn’t know what to do. She started kneading my robe, and lifting her face up toward mine.

It was scary for both of us. I wanted to keep my face in tact, and she wanted to trust.

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My daughter has me hooked on fresh pressed coffee. I know right? Always the Keurig, but not today! She gave me precise instructions lastnight, so I tried to recall it all this morning.

Get the kettle of water almost to a boil, then take it off to rest a minute. I measured the beans, and placed them in the grinder. Kept looking at them to make sure they didn’t turn to dust. Dumped them in the carafe, poured in the water, and the lid went on with a slight press. It didn’t look right. It wasn’t as dark as hers, but I am learning.

Once it was done, it was a robust cup of coffee. When I poured the cream in, I had to use a spoon to stir it. That was new. Normally the cream would just mix right in, but this stuff was thick! It seemed to take a long time to go through a lot of steps to enjoy this fine cup of brew. It was more than worth it.

 

I have spent many years rushing through life, but today, it’s all about the love. What used to be fast is now slow.

For My Daughter

I woke  up very early this morning with a mind full of my daughter. She is sleeping in her room across the hall, but since this Blog began with her in mind, here’s one for you.

You have watched me your whole life and know my every mood. When you were around 12 years old, you saw me standing in the backyard, staring into the abyss. Walking up and sliding your hand into mine you asked, “Are you ever going to smile again.?” I wasn’t sure at the time if that was possible, but I knew something drastic was going to take place.

We had a farm called Hope Tree. You named it, drew the logo and we met with a graphic artist to bring it to life. We opened it up to the public and brought in families that have never held a chicken, or seen a baby pig. We educated them about farm life, the kids got dirty, and we went on to host birthday parties. Three years later, people still call wanting to visit.

We had ducks, and you took a Vet Science course, so we incubated their eggs. I still recall how mesmerized we were watching through the little window of the incubator as they broke free from their shell. Then we had a huge cardboard box full of baby ducks. That was the noisiest box ever, but a friend of mine saved us and took almost all of them to her farm.

That farm was the last good part of our life while married to your Dad. It got me through so much, and kept me sane as my marriage crumbled. I don’t know which broke my heart more. Finally walking out of the marriage, or saying goodbye to every animal, and leaving Hope Tree. The very best part of it all was taking you with me. God has led us through it all.

We knew it was past time to leave, but didn’t know where to go. Being homeschooled, we were not tied to any school district, so we could live anywhere. You found an ad for a house on 40 acres in McDade Texas. I looked at you in dazed confusion and asked, “Where the heck is McDade?” It was an hour away, and I’ll never forget the look on our faces as the road to the little house got smaller, more treacherous, and finally ran out of pavement onto a gravel driveway.

Mr. Rick was waiting to show us the little house. It was so beautiful out there, and I recall how everything was so green. Rick and his wife Patricia lived on the 40 acres as well, so it wasn’t like we would be alone. I had asked God to make it crystal clear if this was our new home. We had looked at quite a few, but nothing felt quite right. Mr. Rick was standing in the dining area, by the bay window, and looked at me and asked, “Is this your new home?”

My heart swells when I think of that little house. It was our new beginning.Walking this path of life together, with God at the lead, has been an amazing journey. Rick and Patricia were so sad when we left, but a year and a half later, we were ready to fly the nest, onto a little bit bigger one. It was like God has chosen them to watch over us, just like where we are now.

You found this house too, and again, a lovely couple own it. We downsized and moved to 5 acres, but Mr. Pete has his woodworking shop on the land, so we’re never alone. God always puts the right people in your path as just the right time. The house in McDade was a safe place for us to grow and learn how to depend on God for every little thing, but there were three things we yearned for. Things we took for granted before. Do you recall what they were?

The house was a one bedroom, but it was a massive room. We shared it which I wouldn’t have had it any other way. At the time, I don’t think we were willing to be separated by rooms. We were ready for our own bedroom, a bathtub to soak in, and a washer and dryer.

You learned the ins and outs of the laundromat for a year and a half. We were grateful, but tired of going every week. We had a shower, but no tub, and you couldn’t very well go hide in your room from me, because we shared it. This house on 5 acres has all that and more.

This is probably the longest Blog I have written in a long time, and I could go on and on, but I don’t need to. You remember it all, because you experienced it all with me. I am so grateful for you and how brave you have been your whole life, but especially these last 3 years. You are moving toward adulthood quickly, and I couldn’t be more pleased with who you’ve become.

Don’t ever forget your worth. You wrote about it here right after we moved into this house. You are beautiful inside and out, but way too hard on yourself. You get that honestly, but I hope you see me being kinder to myself and will follow suit. You have told me, “You’re my hero”, since you were five years old. I hope you know that you are mine too.

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Barbie to Her

I have put off writing this because I’m still moving from the drive. I enjoy being in control, but when I ponder the past few weeks, there is no evidence of that. I wanted this month to be a time of reflection, but God had other plans.

I knew as soon as I saw her number come up on my phone. It was laying on my desk, next to my laptop, and I just stared at it while it was ringing. When I answered she was sobbing, and then I knew God had heard our plea for help.

Mama did not wake up that morning my sister conveyed. This had been a long ride for all, but especially my sister.

I loved my Mama. She was a kick butt, independent, strong minded woman that would hug the breath right outta ya.

Until she was diagnosed with Dementia. She labeled this piece for me to have because she knew she might not recall.

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I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was I had to get to my sister and make sure she was okay. The airline wants you to pay them in gold bricks the month of December, so driving it was. From me to her was 20 hours of driving time, and I had not driven that far before.

My sister’s ex husband heard the news, and posted his condolences on my Facebook page. He referred to me as Barbie, so my friends probably wondered, ‘Who is Barbie?”

That was my nickname growing up.

My full name is Barbara, so I guess my family thought it was cute to shorten it to Barbie. They are the only ones that call me Barbie. People have tried after finding out about it, but it doesn’t sound right. It’s one of those things you respond to from a family member because it fits. I am not her today.

My family still sees me as little Barbie which is humorous to me. They have no interest in changing their vision; they don’t know I write, and have not read this Blog. The last thing they heard was I got a divorce which was almost 3 years ago. They don’t know Barbara.

I miss my Mama, but I have missed her for years.

She is in heaven completely healed, and I’ll always be Barbie to her.

 

Coming of Age

I am growing. Not old or up, just growing.

It took half a century to get here and my hope is that you get this sooner, but if not, I can tell you it’s well worth the ride. Looking over my life, I can see it took every step and every storm.

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The tree went up this week! My daughter and I have chosen a real tree for a few years now. She picks the tree, and I string the lights. Together we hang the ornaments.

When we first moved out together and were on our own, we didn’t have many ornaments. Half my life of collecting ornaments from all over the world, and I left them in the barn.

Our first Christmas was Martha Stewart jumbo pack from a home improvement store. We started picking up an ornament here and there, and three years later we have a tree full.

For us each ornament pinpoints a certain time in our journey. Some make us laugh, while others put us in awe of their beauty.

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There is a lady in town that makes beautiful wreaths all year round. She does it just for fun, and it brings joy to peoples lives. My daughter and I bought one last Christmas and loved it, but I left it for the couple that moved into that house.

When we moved to this house, we had no Christmas Wreath. I pondered getting one, but nothing has caught my attention.

That same lady posted a Snowman wreath on Facebook. It was too big for our little screen door. It was huge! My daughter saw it and loved it, but agreed it was way too big. I thought about asking my friend to make a smaller one for us, but let it slip my mind. Two days later a smaller version of the Snowman wreath appeared on Facebook.

Have I mentioned God knows your heart?

God prompted my friend to make a smaller version, and as soon as she posted it I saw it and contacted her. My daughter will be surprised when she gets home from her Dad’s. It’s just a little thing that she wouldn’t expect, but will make her smile.

Just like the ornaments and the wreath, it’s all the little things that add up over time to manifest into a beautiful life. I sure am to enjoying this journey, and coming of age.