A member of Fearless Warrior reached out to me wanting to know my whole story. She had read the About page on my Blog and said, “There’s a gap between leaving your marriage and where you are now.”
I tried to summarize the woman she knows today on a Zoom. There’s over 800 published posts between where it began and what you’re reading now. With every click of the publish button, I left ‘that me’ on the page. Each new day brought a newer me, so I told her, “It’s all in the Blog.” Writing is my therapy.
About a week ago, I found this meme and it pretty much sums up my life. When we leave a broken marriage, unhealthy relationship, or anything that’s not suited for our needs, there’s going to be a gap. It’s up to us how we choose to fill the void.
The options are endless, but you know I like to keep things simple. Instead of pulling something or someone from the outside in, I poured what I already had on the inside out. When I chose everyday to love my life, one day life decided to turn around and love me right back.
Every time I listen to this song, I hear something different, but it holds the same message.
On the dating apps there’s a series of questions some want to go through. I answer them, but find myself not asking many in return. One man even asked, “Do you have any questions for me?” I replied, “Yes. Tell me who you are today.” That helps decide if they get a date.
It’s fun talking with my daughter about dating. She just turned 22, so the guys she’s talking with don’t have much of a past. They have so much life ahead of them to learn from. Some of the men around my age, or older are beat up by their past, and hesitant to try again.
I’m thinking about dating men younger than me, but not as young as my daughter. 🙂 By the age of 45 they’ve lived life, and have at least one divorce under their belt, but still have life in them. They haven’t let their past define them, instead they seem to know…
All the boats I’ve missed All the hell I’ve caused All the lips I’ve kissed All the love I’ve lost I got kicked around I’ve been black and blue On my way to you
In November 2020, I wrote down 3 things to keep in mind for 2021. One has come to pass, and I’m working on the second one, but that third one is a daily ‘wait and see’.
I’m not the easiest person to love. I douse my front porch with glitter, and was recently granted permission to do the same to my neighbors driveway, so Barb is glittering up the neighborhood. I noticed the other day, I was showering with soap in the shape and smell of birthday cake.
You may think I’m kidding, but nope.
What was the third thing I wrote down? To fall in love.
Dating apps have become entertainment for me, and I poke fun at myself on FaceBook. Last week, a girlfriend of mine was cheering me on for still being in the dating arena. We chatted and she shared that she stopped looking about a year ago. I cannot leave the dating arena yet because I made this tiny little deal with God. For me to fall in love, I had to be willing to put myself out there to be found.
God realizes I live a fairytale lifestyle, but this is one time He told me ‘no’. I fully expected a man to walk up to my front door holding my favorite cup of coffee, but that hasn’t happened. I know in my heart there is a man for me, but the odds are he’s not going to knock on the door. However, I do catch myself checking out every delivery man just in case God changes His mind. That doesn’t happen either.
That was the first step, and it was a scary one, but I’m determined to be fearless in putting myself out there to be found.
My post on dating apps has been pulled back into drafts. I may do a mini-series of my experience using the apps, but here’s what I’ve seen across the board. It’s all about putting yourself out there. Making yourself emotionally, mentally and physically available.
It’s easier being single. I get to do what I want, anytime I please, and thoroughly enjoy my life, but the part I miss is when the ‘I’ becomes ‘we’.
No relationship is perfect, but I believe it’s so important that we have them. I don’t believe we were created to roam this earth alone, but over time we get used to it and it begins to feel good. A new normal. We know what to expect, because it’s only us in the picture.
I love on people, and have even made it my job to do so. I get paid to make peoples lives easier and in some ways better. My life motto is, ‘Leave them better than I found them’, so I have love in my life, but I miss the being in love.
There’s no other feeling like it and love will find us when we make ourselves available to be found.
I love to love. It hasn’t always been that way. When I didn’t feel loved, over a period of time, my heart hardened. Then came the fortress I built around me. God works through people, so when someone told me, “You’re a hard woman,” that got my attention. I didn’t want to be hard, so it was time to make some changes within.
As I sit here this morning, gazing out the window over the pond, I see Stork. He has been here everyday since we decided to move. My daughter and I have been moving stuff over to the new house this week. This morning came the prayer, “Father God. If this is not your will. Stop me now!”
We have always called this home our Safe Haven. It will be two years in May that we left everything we knew and landed on these 40 acres. Today, we are following a path of another adventure, and new beginnings. It feels like we did good here, and are healed, whole, and ready for more. We’re just following God and the process of packing everything up, and moving one foot in front of the other.
Yesterday, as we were unloading our truck and walking everything into the new house, I paused and took note. Everything little thing was pretty, meant something to us, and had a place waiting in the new home. Opposed to the move two years ago, where we were sorting through a house full, trying to find the items we wished to take. We had gotten our lives down to only having things we love and wish to take with us on this new journey. Nothing will be left behind this go round.
I love this house. It’s a bittersweet morning Inbarbsworld. Today, we go pick up a new bed for the new house. Everything is new and we are just following the process. It is falling in place seamlessly like only God can do. We get to fall in love with every little piece of it, until we wake up one morning very soon in our new home. Glory to God.