In four more days, my darling daughter will be 18.
I’ve always thought of her as older, and wise beyond her years. It was 5 years ago that we ventured out on our own. What a brave little girl, to leave everything she knew, for the unknown. I hope she always leaves her comfort zone.
My daughter and I have shared our lives. She’s watched her Mama grow up, just as I have watched her. She has big wings, but they are still developing. I believe this year has been the year of finding myself, so I am ready when she flies. I don’t worry about her, so she shouldn’t worry about me. When she sees me stepping off the path she says,
Is this what you gave up a 25 year marriage for?
We take care of one another, and this song makes us cry. My darling daughter, you are my life, but you have also given me yours. May we fly in sequence, but always find our way home.
Life is beautiful, and we are taking time to cultivate it.
I saw the gradual movement of change.
My daughter painted her room, and I fell in love with the feel. Walking into my own room, it didn’t give me that feel. Looking at paint colors, then testing samples, and voila! My room has that feel with completely different colors. We know what feels good, and both rooms do, but on different levels.
I chose the true red over faded red, to remind myself to be true. The happiness sign hung over my bed, but I moved it to the opposite wall. When I wake up, I lay there for a moment, and ponder it’s meaning for the day. Each day holds different levels of happiness.
I don’t have to jump out of bed anymore, and embrace the day. It’s best for me to travel through the day, and acknowledge uncertainty. People are walking in and out of my life, and I am letting them. Melody Beattie was referring to being in the middle of God’s will. We love God’s will, “but not usually while it’s working itself out.” This is true.
The place we pray to be in, is uncomfortable to sit in.
My daughter sent me that Meme. My feelings change from day to day, but God doesn’t change, and I know that to be true.
To discover what I want, I journey through the don’t wants.
Earlier this week, I walked into the kitchen wanting coffee.
I had set the machine up the night before, but instead, there was black liquid oozing all over the kitchen counter. The pot wasn’t fully engaged to allow the hot liquid to flow. The basket inside was filled with water, and grinds were everywhere. This has happened before, so after cleaning up the mess, the coffee maker went on the give away shelf.
The don’t wants.
Really good coffee beans deserve to be fresh pressed.
When our hearts are happy, we know what we want.
Now my morning coffee is relatively ceremonial.
We recognize our wants, when we realize our don’t wants.
Earlier this week, I went to see my friend Stephanie.
She gave me the courage to try my hand at plants again.
I took one look at her wrought iron fencing, and fell in love.
It’s a weed, but look at how delicate the greenery is. It has tiny red flowers that bloom in the shape of a trumpet. Walking into the shop, I found Stephanie and asked her about it. She said it comes up every year, but this was my first time seeing it. She saw the look in my eyes, and said, “Come on! Lemme get the water hose, and I’ll dig you some up!”
She gave me plenty to bring home and plant, and I planted it along the fence facing the bedroom windows. I am not sure how I went from nurturing and growing plants, to planting weeds, but I like it.
I’ve been reading Melody Beattie a lot lately. She is ahead of me on this journey of finding yourself, but we have similar hearts. Here are some of her words that resonated with me.
“Be still and know that I am God. Stillness is a place. Become familiar with stillness. Take time to learn it’s power.” Stillness is found when being still, and becoming present in that moment.
“Find a balance that is right for you.”
“Become sensitive to your needs.”
“Inhale, receive. Exhale, give back.”
“Clear resentments from your heart.”
“Learn to be calm.”
“All you have to do about your feelings is feel them.”
“Embrace each cycle of your life.”
“The answers are in your heart. Go back-think-when was your heart it’s happiest? Go back to your heart. It will always lead you home.” Home is where the heart is. I’m going home.