I’m Not Empty

It’s funny what you get used to. I take a lot for granted. Especially morning routines.

I’m having Oral Surgery this afternoon and can’t eat or drink beforehand. This is a pitiful picture to post. It made me a little bit sad walking into the kitchen, knowing I couldn’t fix it.

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Emptiness

My body is confused. It expects water and then coffee. It’s going to be really confused this afternoon coming off anesthesia, but the body knows how to heal. God designed it that way.

I may be a little hungry and thirsty, but glory to God, I’m not empty.

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God’s Not Done

Yesterday, I was pondering God’s plan for my life. I wanted to know I’m on the right path. If I’m really doing what God wants me to do.

Well my daring, there’s one thing I do know.

Either way, He’s going to use it for our good and His glory. It’s all part of a greater plan.

In particular I was thinking of my Chemo treatments for Breast Cancer. It was scary enough having Breast Cancer, but Chemo was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. Toward the end of my treatment I wasn’t sure I was going to make it, but God pulled me through.

It felt like Chemo was killing me, but God was using Chemo to kill the Cancer, not me.

Looking back I can say, “Breast Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me.” It brought me heart to heart with the King himself.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am.

It’s a new day, so God’s not done.

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Be the Love

My daughter left Saturday for Boston, and will not be home until Wednesday. Her father took her to see Harry Styles in concert. If you don’t know who Harry Styles is, he was the member of One Direction with the massive head of hair.

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Harry!

Here are some things I learned while she’s been gone.

*Kick up the self-care a notch. Take the Yoga class already!

*Buy the t-shirt you fell in love with the minute you saw it.

*Go to the coffee shop that re-opened, and encourage the owner.

*Start a Google search, and follow the trail. It leads to a book you wish to read during this quiet time. Call the local bookstore to see if they have it. They have ONE. Drive.

*On the way to the bookstore, stop at places you haven’t stopped in forever. Encourage the owners of the business, and the people working there. Tell them, “I appreciate you.”

*Smile at people. Be kind, and leave them with a smile.

*Hug someone when they least expect it.

*If you invite chaos into your life, take it back, and leave it.

*Use your voice if your heart is not happy. It may begin an avalanche, and your world may fall apart for a bit, but it will fall back together even better than before. Trust me.

*Clear off the giant coffee table, and use it to work a puzzle.

*Just be what you want to see. If it’s love, then be the love.

Turn the Page

It feels like a new chapter unfolding in our lives.

She wrote, and published her first Blog posttoday.

She has always been a gifted writer. Maybe that is why she encouraged me to begin this Blog years ago, because she knew how enjoyable it would be. It was a seed in her heart.

She’s had a WordPress account for over a year, and yesterday talked about writing a Blog. Today, she typed one up, added some of her beautiful photographs, and hit publish. I asked God to bless it, and it’s had several views, and likes.

We needed this today, so praise God, and thank you WordPress community.

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Test of Faith

As I was driving to my Mammogram appointment Thursday morning, all these recollections of my Breast Cancer journey came to mind. Driving down a country road, toward the city, I saw a slide show before me.

Moments where my faith was tested, and I was ready to call it quits. Seymour mentioned that I suffered in silence, so why did I feel so exposed?

I arrived at my appointment, was escorted to a screening room, and stood before that massive machine for the first time in a year. The last time I was there, I could only hug it, and sob, but this time was different. The technician had to keep moving the machine upwards to accommodate my height. I was stronger now, so maybe I was standing a little bit taller.

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The technician used the machine to take pictures of both breasts in 3D. When she was done, I went to sit in a private lounge, just for women waiting for the test, or the results.

I sat down across from a woman, I guessed to be retirement age. She had been crying, and was clutching the front of her gown, trying to keep it from falling open. I had been right where she was sitting, so I asked her, “Are you okay?” She started to cry some more.

She told me that she had been so faithful with her Mammograms. She had received one every year for as far back as she could remember. She was late in getting this one, and when she did, they saw something concerning.

They had just done a more in depth one, and she was waiting to hear the next steps. She was at her beginning, and I was at my end.

The first thing I assured her of was, there is no such thing as ‘late’. You are here now, and that is all that matters. I shared the names of all my doctors with her, and she frantically took notes. The technician came back to get me, and as I left, I looked at her and said, “God bless you.” She whispered the same to me, and I told her, “He does everyday love.”

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My journey created a profound intimacy with God. It’s still there, even though my journey is coming to a close. God was getting ready to test my faith, as see what I had learned.

The technician escorted me to a different room, which I recognized immediately. There was the table I had laid on during my biopsy. She asked me to lay on the table, and open the right side of my gown. I laid down, and asked her, “You realize the lump was in my left?”

She said, “Oh I know Mrs. Holmes, but we saw something in the right that we need to take a closer look at.” My world stopped. I realized I had been so concerned about the left one, that I hadn’t paid much attention to the right. I felt the warm gel hit my breast, and the wand of the sonogram machine started sliding around. At that point, I lost all control.

I broke down, and started sobbing on the table.

The female technician patted my arm, reassuring me that it was all okay. I told her, “I cannot do this again! I cannot go through it all again!!!” But you know what? If I needed to go through it again, God would be there. My next thought was, I would have both breasts removed, so at least I could come back as a 36C!

She completed the sonogram, and left the room to review the results with the Oncologist. When she returned, she exclaimed, “You are all good Mrs. Holmes. It’s only a cyst!” There was more than one test given here, and thanks be to God that I was able to pass ’em both.

Feel the Music

After publishing Use Your GPS, I  thought of my drafts folder. I knew of one that was waiting on me, because I had written it lastnight. I feel led to post it, so here’s to obedience!

I  believe evenings can be hard on the heart.

The day is coming to an end, and you are slowing down. I don’t know your story, but you are sitting in mine. Music is a healer of the heart for me. When I hear a certain song, I can just feel it in my heart, like it’s trying to help.

Driving home yesterday afternoon, I heard Big Daddy Weave singing this on the radio.

 

What A Year

I went to see my Breast Surgeon this morning for a follow up visit. She said, “You look great! You cannot even tell you’ve been through an all out war!” All I could say was, “God is good.”

She always hands me a list of my next steps. She wants me to wait a few weeks, and have a mammogram, but let my breast heal from the radiation. She said, “If you wait one month, you will have your mammogram exactly a year from when you had that first one.”

The journey began around March 7, 2016.

I had to stop Googling first thing.

That will scare the crap outta ya. Instead, I found Blogs written by women walking a similar path. This one woman was ahead of me on the Cancer path, and she was a comfort. She gave an in-depth description of the Chemo I would be receiving fondly known as The Red Devil. She is a truth-teller, and that is all I needed.

The last Cancer post I read, was written by a woman that was nearing the end of her journey. She was looking forward to it being over and feeling that sense of elation. I thought I would feel that too, knowing that the worst is behind me. It has been different for me.

It’s like everything in my life is more vividly colored, more intense. I notice things now, that I had missed before. I am more in-tune to my heart, and listen to my body, and soul.

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I have a myriad of feelings, but, “Whew! That’s over!”, hasn’t been one of them. This quote sums it up, “New Year, New Feels, New Chances, Same Dreams, Fresh Starts.

When I have my next mammogram, it will show nothing, which is better than something. It’s been a year.

Cry It Out

I just needed to write. There is something about it that pulls all the frazzled ends back into my tapestry of life.

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This is one of my favorite pictures, and I used it in a Blog written one year ago. To think of it today reminds me, this has been my year of waiting. I don’t mind waiting. God has given me plenty of practice, so I’ve become relatively good at it. It helps when you know what you’re waiting for. This week it was a call.

A week ago Monday, I had a call from my breast surgeon to see when I wanted to schedule the lumpectomy. We talked about Chemo, how I was doing, and when was my last treatment scheduled.

It felt like two doses of The Red Devil had been harder on me than the first 12 weeks combined. I still had two more doses to go, and in all honesty I wasn’t sure my body could take it. She said, “Maybe we can go ahead and do surgery then.” A light came on at the end of the tunnel.

She had to talk with my doctor, but she felt confident the lump was plenty small enough by now to be removed. So, the waiting began. I didn’t expect it to take this long, but 10 days later I received the verdict from my doctor. He said, “No.” That was when I had to cry it out.

I don’t know what God’s plan is, but it broke my heart when He said, “No”, to that plan.

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Did I mention the part where I got so pissed off, I called and left a message with my nurse that I wasn’t coming to Chemo next week? I was nice, but it happened, and it got her attention! She called me right back, so I didn’t have to wait long at all on that call.

So, I’ve gotten disappointed, angry, and cried, all within two hours time. I’m over it.

I try not to let my emotions get the best of me. I have always tried to keep it all under control, and let things like this just roll down my back. It normally works because I know a large part of life is a test.

If I can look at it as a test, and God as my teacher, it really inspires me to pass that test. I felt like I was failing the test, but then I realized, this test isn’t over.

I will know it’s over when God gets the glory from this journey. He gets the glory every morning when I wake up, but He is a Master at showing off in my life. He knows I love spectacular endings, so that is what I’m waiting for. I don’t see it yet, but I know its there.

Fight Against Cancer

In 1999, I joined a liquid nutritional company.

I realized even then, we were not getting everything we need from food, and I was no longer in my invincible 20’s. I was with that company, and enjoyed their products for many years.

When it was time to leave my marriage, I gave up this business to leave. I let it go, but did not enjoy running out of product. This product brought my body up to it’s optimum health, and gave me a feeling of well-being.

Striking out on my own with God, my daughter, and going through an stressful divorce, I really missed that product.

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In March of 2016, a dear friend of mine that I met through this company, contacted me. (God works through people.) My position in the company had expired, but she was offering me to join her, and bring me back in. I had a lump growing in my breast, so it was time for this friendship, and product.

God knew I would need it too, and I rejoined the company in March.

March was when I went to the doctor to confirm the lump. My doctor lined up a series of other doctors for me to meet to receive the medical attention we thought necessary.

It all happened so fast that March was a complete blur to me. Everyone was recommending Chemo, and I was looking at them like they were an alien. I remember telling one doctor, “I have spent half my life pouring health, and good things into my body, and you want to shoot me full of poison?”

It was not pretty, but the cancer was aggressive, so Chemo it was.

This product has been a Godsend. I know it has played a huge part in my well being during Chemo. With my body taking in relative poison, to kill the lump, Body Balance poured in goodness. My energy level, and clarity of mind have improved immensely.

My doctor even told me, “I don’t know what you’re doing, but your blood cell count looks better at the end of Chemo, than at the beginning.” That is not the norm. I give the glory to God and Body Balance.

My friend that reached out to me to rejoin, knows I’m a single Mama, and she can relate to that. She helped educate me about Cancer, and Chemo, and been a huge support.

If you, or someone you love, would like to try a bottle, connect with me at Letitgocoach@gmail.com. It will make a huge difference in their fight against Cancer.

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Live and Learn

I’m learning so much, just by living this life God has given me. Seeing what each day brings, and instead of ignoring it, walking through it. It’s not easy, but well worth it.

I found myself frustrated earlier in the week. Things were not going my way, and you would think, I’d be over that by now, and just go with the flow. When that occurs, I have a chat with God, and usually wind up in tears.

He is just trying to get me to trust Him more and more. I leave the house in a few hours, to get the rest of my hair shaved off.

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Not sure why it has taken me so long to ‘let go’ of my hair. It wasn’t even good hair like in this Meme. It was just hair. Let me encourage you, if you are going through this Breast Cancer Journey, or any journey that messes with your outer shell, let it go.

My hairdresser/friend wanted to do that in the very beginning, but no, I thought I wasn’t ready.

Listen to the people God places in your path. God knows you can handle it, or you wouldn’t be there.

So now, I have a million little one inch hairs everywhere! All over my pillowcases, and sheets, and just about everywhere really. I handed my daughter a cup of coffee yesterday, and even that had a one inch hair laying in it.

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This Meme is from one of my favorite pages, Wild Woman Sisterhood. This is how I feel at this moment. God has sent women from all over to embrace me on this path. I am blessed.

Women I have never met before, and some don’t even know my name, besides Coach. I am Letitgocoach, but I am also a child of the one true King, that has Cancer for a little while.

I will be mentioning these women throughout these posts, but let’s start with the most recent. Talking to her this morning via messenger, I was sharing I would be shiny bald this afternoon. She wants to send me a scarf, the same blue as my eyes. We exchanged addresses, but Amazon wouldn’t ship to my PO Box. She is going to have it shipped to her first, and then send it on to me. God is going to give her a chance to hold it, and bless it.

I met her through Facebook, just like the majority of the other brave souls lighting the way. When I started that page two years ago, it was my mission to encourage others, and lift them up on their journey. It still is my mission, but through this journey, they are lifting me. Is it how I envisioned? No, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It is all part of a greater plan.

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