Back to Chemo

I fell asleep early lastnight. Netflix continually lost the audio of the show I was trying to watch, so I just gave up, and shut everything down, including me. Perks of adulthood.

I woke up around 3:30 am, and remembered what day it is. My three week break from Chemo is coming to an end. Today is the Monday before Chemo Tuesday. There are so many feelings that go along with that thought. My first thought was, this is #2, out of four, so I’m almost halfway done. I am learning so much along this path, and one thing is, God is big.

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I have been sitting on this Meme for a while now. Just pondering it’s meaning, and today I see what it means to me in so many ways. There are no surprises to God. He knows our life story, because He is the Author, so me going through Chemo is no big shocker for Him.

Looking back, I can see how everything just fell into place. My daughter and I have lived on our own, with God’s guidance, for almost 4 years. It was my job to keep her safe, and care for her the best way I knew how. Living life together, one day at a time, has brought me an extreme amount of joy. Today, it would seem, our roles have reversed thanks to Chemo.

I didn’t know I would be battling Breast Cancer this year, but God did. It gives me great comfort knowing He has already gone before me to fight this battle, and God always wins.

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John 13:7 says, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

My daughter started driving the day she got her permit. We were leaving the DMV, and she asked, “Can I drive?” That was about a year ago. She learned to drive with my Ford F150, and I told her, “If you can drive this truck, you can drive almost anything.” It was hard for me to sit in the passenger seat at times, but she never put a scratch on it. She’s an excellent driver.

Daddy stepped in at Christmas, and gave her a car. Actually, he bought her two. The first one he bought, was her dream machine. A canary yellow, 2010, Chevy Camaro SS. I was amazed, and told him, “Uh, No.” She had been dreaming about this car, and he had searched the ends of the earth to find it. It was the hardest thing ever for me to say no.

He then bought her a more sensible car. Still sporty, but safer. Great gas mileage, and a thumpin’  sound system which is vital to her. He still has the Camaro parked behind his office. I am sure she drives it every chance she gets, but she now sees why it was a no. It’s way too much car for her at this time. Knowing her, she will grow into it, and it will be hers.

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IF she hadn’t started driving when she did, I wouldn’t have a live in driver to Chemo.

What started out as something that had to be done, has turned into something she wants to do. She wants to drive me, and care for me in this way. It was very difficult for me to allow this to happen, but I knew I couldn’t drive myself. Chemo has helped me surrender to areas of my life that I couldn’t before. Sometimes, I have to tell myself no, and let people care for me.

Today, I will clean house, and restock the fridge. Even though I don’t know how I will feel after Tuesday, I can prepare. Healthy snacks are a must after Chemo. I think I’ll buy flowers too. The last time I encountered The Red Devil, which is A/C’s nickname, I slept for 3 days. It took another 2 days to feel somewhat human again, and 6 days to have a clear thought.

You may not hear much from me this week. I know what to do after Chemo, which is not a lot. Letting my body and mind rest is all I know to do. I may not know much of God’s plan, but I know He has one. I would have never imagined Chemo would be a part of it, but this path is only temporary. He is teaching me patience, because we are nowhere near done yet.

 

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Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

Doing It Afraid

Lastnight was the first night since the port placement that I didn’t sleep sitting up. I was tired of that position, so I curled up in a ball on my left side, and woke up with no pain.

I was scared to lay that way. The left side is where the tumor, and port live for now. It felt so good to lay the way I would normally sleep. God had His arms around me through the night.

This entire journey, has been ‘doing it afraid.’ I was terrified what the mammogram would show. Then came the biopsy, where I laid on the table and wept. It hurt like hell. It wasn’t the procedure itself, I believe it was the doctor. If you have the right people in your path, this should not be painful. They are there to ease your pain darling, and care for you.

this-is-the-daySo today was the day beauties. The day the bandage was to come off from the port placement. I was so scared to pull it off. Having no clue what it was going to look like underneath. Let me just say, I’ve always been a wuss when it comes to bandages and needles. Welp…That is fading fast. Every part of the journey makes us stronger and better.

The fear of the unknown is what it was. Not knowing for sure what it was going to look like once the bandage was off. It was nothing like I had imagined. It was merely stitches, in skin, and a slight lump where the port is resting. As I stood before the mirror, pulling at the adhesive, repeating, “God help me,”  it was nothing to fear at all. He had it all planned.

Tomorrow I start Chemo, but at this point, there is less fear. God has traveled this road before me, and He will be there tomorrow as well. Thank you for your love and prayers Beautiful Souls. Much love to you.

 

 

 

 

While I Wait

They say it’s Cancer, but they don’t know my God. I sit and listen as they tell me what they see, but I can’t assimilate all the words at once. I’m a writer, so I love words. Just not these.

whileiwaitThe Insurance kicked in March 1st, and one week later I saw my doctor. She sent me straight to Austin, TX for the mammogram, and a few days later, I was having the biopsy.

The biopsy was Friday, and Monday afternoon my doctor called me in to talk. That is never good. She said the ‘C’ word, and said I have ‘Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma.’ It’s the most common type of breast cancer in 80% of women, and typically hits the more mature woman of 50 or over. My grandmother, mother and sister had it. I thought I would break the cycle.

I woke up this morning more grateful than a week ago. The Cancer Specialist cannot see me for another week. My doctor had to call four places before she could find one to take me in. Our Cancer centers are overflowing with people with a similar situation as me. That is sad.

So, I have a week to wait and see a doctor’s plan for treatment. God has been in front of me on this journey. He has moved swiftly up until now. He’s not done teaching me how to wait.

God is working while I wait.

He needs time to line up the next part of this journey. What that looks like, I don’t know, but He has a plan. My first thought during this was, “How can God get the glory for this?”

Well, I can write about it, and hopefully encourage someone else with what I’m going through. God has given me a beautiful life. The last three years have been exceptionally beautiful. I’m not sure this is going to be pretty, but He promises to turn everything around for His good and His glory. He has already proved that His plan is always better than mine.

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There is a song by Colton Dixon, Through All Of It. I have no regrets, like he mentions in the song. God sees what we’re going through. He has seen every tear I have shed over this. My favorite part of the song is…But Oh…You have been my God through all of this!

There are no surprises.

Not for God. He’s on the throne mighty as ever.

So, while I wait to see the next doctor, I see the beauty in life a little bit more. The pace of life has slowed, and what I thought was important is not so important anymore. I hug my daughter every chance I get, and tell people ‘I love you’ more than before. My laughter still shakes a room, and I take time to notice what other’s may be going through while they wait.

Sometimes life feels like one big waiting room. I told my friend in North Carolina. “I’m just waiting to see how God get’s the glory.” Like we say in the country, “Hey! Watch this!”