Living with Ambiguity

“Sometimes the picture isn’t finished yet.”

“Ideas, possibilities, hopes, dreams float around, circling us like asteroids around a planet. We may think events in our lives are happening aimlessly, without purpose. All we see are disconnected, floating blobs.”

“We reach for them, try to grab them in our hands so we can connect them, force them into a whole, force them into a picture we can see, something that makes sense.”

“Let the pieces be. Let yourself be. Let life be.”

“Sometimes, chaos needs to precede order. The pieces will come together in a picture that makes sense, in a beautiful work of art that pleases.”

“You don’t have to force the pieces to fit together if it’s not time. You don’t have to know. There is power in letting go.

“Power in waiting. Power in stillness. Power in trust. There is power in letting the disconnected pieces be until they settle into a whole. The action you are to take will appear.”

“Timely. Clearly. What you’re to do will become clear.”

(Excerpt from Melody Beattie~Journey to the Heart)

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It’s Old School

I visit people almost daily. Just to ask how their life is going, and then listen. Sometimes, it’s just for a hug if I sense they need one. Never turn down a heartfelt hug. It’s healing.

It’s old school, and that is where I enjoy being today.

Every now and then, I leave my phone at home on purpose, just to check and see if I miss it. Can’t say that I have. The person I’m with is more important than what my phone is doing. It’s like saying, “I love you more than my phone.”

I wrote this a couple of nights ago:

My daughter and I are sitting here quietly typing on our laptops. She has Classical Piano softly playing in the background. It’s peaceful, and the kind of moment you want to last indefinitely. I appreciate at her young age that she effortlessly creates moments like this. She will pass them along to her family, and they will have moments.

Breaking the ties to my phone, and social media is one of the best things I’ve done all year. To be present, and enjoy what’s happening in the now. My daughter told me in June, “You are always staring at that phone!” Now she tells me when it makes a noise, and I can’t remember where it is. She doesn’t see my hunting for it, over spending time with her.

As Gibbs would say, “It’s old school.” Well Gibbs, I like it.

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Gibbs is portrayed by Mark Harmon on the TV show, NCIS.

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I’m Not Going

I’m not going to my appointment today.

There are two ways God knows He can get my attention. Money, and physical pain. God also knows I’m continually on the lookout for the next right thing being done. What happened yesterday, was not the next right thing for me.

My health insurance ran out in March of this year.

When I made the appointment with my breast surgeon a couple of weeks ago, the lady on the phone assured me that the cost of the appointment could be broken down into payments afterwards. A lady from the surgeons office called yesterday to tell me that the appointment would need to be paid in full at the time of service. Sorry, but no.

That is not what I was told when I agreed to come in.

That decision has placed me on a new path this morning.

Thank you for your love and prayers. Forgive me for not going.

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You’re Not Alone

I published a Blog yesterday, and went back into my Blogsite and deleted it. The same thing happened today. Write, edit, publish, and an hour later, delete. To the 5 people who read them both, “I apologize if I scarred you for life.”

My email followers received notifications of the posts. Clicked on the link, and stared at air. I apologize to you too. I have discovered that waiting on this appointment next week causes me to feel vulnerable. I don’t mind being vulnerable, but to let someone read about it, amplifies the feeling.

If you’re a writer, maybe you do the same thing.

Publish a Blog, and then delete it, or maybe you have some in drafts that you can’t bring yourself to finish, and publish. I have some of those too, but there is something I’ve learned.

No matter how sucky I think that published Blog may be…it’s going to help someone. It’s going to have something in there that someone needs to see. So, maybe if I write this at night, hit publish, and go to bed, you can read it while I sleep. Because waiting on Tuesday to arrive is not working.

My instinct is to disappear for a few days, and become quiet.

To remove myself from the lives of the people I love, so they don’t have to be a part of what I’m going through. That is my way of protecting them. Well, the last time I checked, my circle of people are some brilliant, grounded adults who can decide whether they need protection or not.

I believe you are only as alone as you allow yourself to be.

I don’t feel alone, so thank you, for not leaving me alone.

 

Coffee and Chocolate

My daughter called lastnight, and we chatted for a while.

She asked, “How is everything?” I said, “Just beautiful! Except, there is no chocolate in this house!” Two females need chocolate available at a moments notice, so that will be fixed.

I’ve been going to bed earlier, and waking up earlier.

This morning, I sat on the porch, and watched the sunrise. It was stunningly beautiful. Then it was time for coffee.

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There is something about pouring hot liquid, into a cracked cup. It’s made of fine china, and allows me to trust that it is going to hold that liquid. I carry it with the saucer underneath, just in case it decides to give in to the crack.

When my daughter and I were packing to leave my marriage, we had one rule of thumb. She wasn’t sure what to take, and what to leave, so I asked her, “Do you love it? If you love it, and will use it, then pack it up.” This caused me to ponder what I had in the house that I loved, but didn’t use.

This china was only used at Christmas. The rest of the time, it was displayed in the china cabinet with all of the other, ‘look but don’t touch’ items. It was time for that to change.

I packed up the china, and we use it like everyday plates.

My daughter knows I’m not big into Halloween, but I love fall. Last year, she bought me a pumpkin covered in sequins. I said, “I’m going to have to find our fall decoration pumpkin, and set it out.” She wasn’t as amused as I was.

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I saw this yesterday, and brought it home. A year ago, I would have walked right by it because it’s real. Taking care of plants this year gave me this philosophy. It will either thrive, or we will enjoy it while it’s here. She says the Boston Ferns on the front porch are so huge, they are obnoxious.

I’m excited about seeing her today, and hearing about her travels. Time to head out for some coffee and chocolate.

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Stand up Straight

I am still learning my way through plants.

The first thing I learned is, the care tags are not always accurate. Plants, just like humans, don’t have the same level of care. You have to watch, and see what they need.

This Asparagus Fern is a great example. Knowing it enjoyed part shade, I kept it out of direct sun, but then I noticed something. While sitting in the shade, the new growth seemed to be reaching, or stretching toward the light.

With the seasons changing, I sat it where it would receive more sun, but only for a few hours. Something else I’ve learned is, everything enjoys light, but not direct sunlight.

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Being in more light, the new growth is standing up straight.

This reminded me of a Meme I came across lastnight.

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Letting Go of One Connection, for Another

Some days require a do-over. The dogs were up way too early. I hadn’t had enough coffee to deal with their playfulness. I let them get some of their energy out, and in their houses they went. It was that easy to find some peace.

I drove down to the corner store to grab a cup of coffee. Walking in, I notice a table full of people. They are usually there in the mornings, and this brought a smile to my face. We said our, “Good mornings”, as I took a look at their table.

There were no cell phones in sight. The newspaper was opened to the crossword puzzle, like it was a team effort to fill it in. They were laughing, talking, and enjoying time together.

As I was walking toward the door to exit, an elderly man walked in and said, “Good Morning Ms. Barbara.” I gave him a hug, and he grunted like I squeezed him too hard.

Getting into my truck, I spot two women on horses. They are prancing through the grass in front of the Post Office. I wished I had my phone to take a picture, but it was at home.

Once I returned home, I drank my coffee, and called a friend. We spent an hour talking, and making a game plan for the week. We are meeting tomorrow to implement some small changes in her life to regain her independence.

I let the dogs outside, and stood on the porch. It was almost time to drench the Boston Ferns. They are ginormous! Denver, one of our dogs, acted like he was listening intently to something. I could barely hear a woman’s voice, and then I heard two women talking. It was the women on horses!

They came to a halt, and turned the horses around, bringing them up to stand by my front yard gate. What a beautiful sight. They said, “Good Morning! We love your ferns. They are huge!” I smiled and thanked them for their kindness. They asked if I rode, and I told them, “Yes. I used to.” They said, “We have one more horse that needs a rider if you’re interested.” I laughed, thanked them, and will ponder it.

Life is happening right in front of us, and I am connected.

 

Enjoy the Day

My daughter and I don’t own a television, by choice.

Nothing good was added to our life from the noise.

You can hear the natural flow of the day when there is no additional noise. The air conditioning is blowing steadily through the air vent above my head. Sitting in the middle of my bed while typing, the cool air is landing on the back of my neck, arms, and shoulders. There is a ceiling fan in the room, but I cannot hear it spinning over the air conditioning.

There several reasons I let go of my phone, but the noise was a big one. Even turning it to silent, it would light up with quiet noise. I tested myself this week, and left my phone at home while out with my daughter. The only part I missed was the ability to take a picture of our moments together.

I’ve never carried a camera, but maybe that is what’s next.

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Be Happy Now

Happiness is top priority for me.

I have let go of a lot this year to find the happines in me.

If you are new here, you should know I have already let go of materialism. Things didn’t bring happiness, and today, I live a very simple life. The more simple my life, the happier I am with me. The rest of this year will bring more letting go, but I am in a good space to share with you what I’ve done so far.

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To find out how happy you are, you need to be still.

By staying busy, and focusing on the task at hand, you might be happy. We are going to gently take away the noise of life, and get down to the being of happy.

This may seem like an odd topic with what my daughter is going through right now, but she has been studying me since she was 5 years old. She knows what all I have removed from my life to find this level of contentment.

This morning, we went for coffee together, and I told her, “I am happy being me.” No outside influences involved, just me. She knows one of the biggest things I let go of was my phone, and her phone is bringing her a lot of unhappiness.

To be a living, breathing example is the best thing to do.

My hope is that some of what I let go of will resonate with you, and you can learn to be happy now.

Feel the Music

In four more days, she will be 18. My darling daughter.

I’ve always thought of her as older, and wise beyond her years. It was 5 years ago that we ventured out on our own. What a brave little girl, to leave everything she knew, for the unknown. I hope she always leaves her comfort zone.

Do we give up a chunk of our lives for our children?

My daughter and I have shared our lives. She has watched her Mama grow up, just as I have watched her. She has big wings, but they are still developing. I believe this year has been the year of finding myself, so I am ready when she flies. I don’t worry about her, so she shouldn’t worry about me. When she sees me stepping off the path she says,

Is this what you gave up a 25 year marriage for?

We take care of one another, and this song makes us cry. My darling daughter, you are my life, but you have also given me yours. May we fly in sequence, but always find our way home.