Journey to the Heart

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In Barbs World

I didn’t have any plans of becoming a Letting Go Coach. It was offered to me after going through the Letting Go lessons personally.

If it’s in front of me, I’m gonna walk through it.

I told myself, “There are enough coaches in the world”, and there are some really good ones. People who have a passion for it. I was grateful for receiving the certification, but it wasn’t a passion.

All I wanted to do at the time was write.

In the midst of creating this site, I was instructed by WordPress to choose a name. I had just completed my Letting Go Certification, so I wanted the name to reflect where I was. After trying numerous variations of the words ‘Letting Go’, Letitgocoach was the only name available for purchase.

Personally, I believe it’s because I smashed four words together to make the one word, and it had God’s blessing. I was ready to write as Letitgocoach.

This morning, I was playing around with this site, and decided to make a change. There haven’t been many changes made to it since the very beginning, so it was time to give it a more simplified look. This year alone there have been many changes in me, so the site should reflect more of who I am today.

After choosing a theme, I was prompted to give it a name.

I clicked a lowercase ‘L’, thinking it would remember Letitgocoach, but the computer thought my lowercase ‘l’, was an I, and auto-filled with Inbarbsworld. I haven’t seen that name in years.

It was my very first email address eons ago.

There are many stories behind Inbarbsworld, but most people refer to it in a teasing sort of way. One thing the storytellers have in common is they always say, “Everything is prettier Inbarbsworld.”

My name is Barb, and welcome to my world.

I’m happy you are here.

It’s Almost Over

A year changes you a lot. It’s hard to believe that a year ago, the lump in my left breast was so painful, I could hardly breathe. Fast forward to this moment. I have one more Radiation treatment left. That lump is not there anymore, and this Breast Cancer Journey is ending.

Every ending has a new beginning. Sitting here at my laptop, I’m not certain what that looks like, but I know it will come. My daily routine will have a hole to be filled.

My daughter didn’t sleep well lastnight because Numi was in her room. She wouldn’t settle down, and go to sleep like she normally does in the hallway, so tonight Numi will have different sleeping arrangements made for her. A good night’s sleep is very important. It sets the tone for the following day, and tomorrow is a day of celebration.

There were parts of this journey that taught me to celebrate something as simple as breathing. I couldn’t have coffee during Chemo, but today I am savoring a cup of freshly ground drip. Each day is a celebration. It has taken time, but it’s almost over.

 

 

 

Which Way Home

I started writing a Blog lastnight, but again didn’t publish it. With this 30 day challenge, I’m learning I can write anytime of day. Mama always said, “Nothing good happens after midnight.” Well, in my mind there is nothing publish worthy after 9:00 pm.

This is what’s happening in real-time. I’m sitting at the dining room table at Smith’s house, listening to my favorite CD, drinking coffee from a red mug, and looking out the sliding glass doors at the lake. It rained lastnight, and brought in fog, so the lake is not visible yet. I know the lake is there, but I cannot physically see it. Does this sound familiar?

This reminds me of this path of life we’re on. We know we have one, but we can only see so far ahead. God gives us just enough light for the step we’re on. We take a step, and there is more light, but just enough for that step. Sitting here this morning, I wish to see more steps.

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You can see how bright the light is over the lake. The sun is trying to burn away the fog, and restore a visual of what’s there. God is in that ball of fire. He wants us to trust Him even when we cannot see very far ahead. To enjoy the present moment, but keep stepping.

Some ducks swam across the lake, as I made more coffee, and ate a piece of chocolate covered caramel. It would seem I’m on a path with many detours, but they all lead back to my  heart. During the week I am in my little farmhouse, sharing a life with my daughter.

The weekends, I’m usually at the lake with Smith. He is a Chef, and normally has to work on Saturday’s. He’s at work right now, and there is a void where his presence is absent. If he was here, I can see him sitting on the couch trying to find some football on TV. My laptop and I would move to another room and continue writing in a more serene space.

He would come and find me periodically, and make himself known. I can feel him walk into the room, and he may touch me, but he wouldn’t disturb my writing. He enjoys that I write, and encourages me with that. He also tolerates being the subject from time to time.

The sun is becoming brighter as I finish up this Blog. It will be time to start repacking my things, load up my truck, and head to Radiation. Today will be #22 out of 30 treatments.

I was tempted to call and cancel today’s appointment, but that would just prolong the inevitable. Once Radiation is complete, I will have more options. My daughter is staying with her Dad until tomorrow, so it’s very tempting to stay one more day here at the lake.

I used to know where home is. Over time of driving back and forth, I’m not really sure anymore which house is home. For some time now, when I return to the little farmhouse, and walk inside, it feels like a house. My daughter gets there, and it feels more like home, but there is still a void. I find myself each day looking forward to going back to the lake.

Smith is the most patient man I have ever met. He has been waiting for me to decide when to bring all these paths together as one big path, and the three of us to live this life together. Home is where your heart is, and today it’s in this lake house, but getting ready to leave once again. I believe it’s time for me and my heart to decide, which way is home.

 

That’s Okay Too

I woke up this morning with no Blog title. How God can give me three one morning, and zero today, I don’t know. Then, I just sat with that realization, and thought. “That’s okay too.”

Stretching myself to write a Blog a day the month of January, is not about having it all together. I believe it’s about just writing even when I don’t have a plan. I have already accomplished three things this morning that were on my weekly list. Just a couple more, and my week will be complete. It’s all good to have a plan, but even when I don’t, that’s okay too.

I  walked into our bathroom, and it looked like a literal towel explosion. There were towels on the floor, tub, and shower. I scooped them all up and put them in the washer, and started the washer. After they are washed, they will be dried and folded, and put back into place. It was an easy fix, and I thought, it would be nice if all of life’s little messes could be so easily fixed.

This was by far the toughest day I had writing a Blog. Writing is a gift, so I’m not even sure how structured that gift can be, but I’ll continue on with my 30 day writing challenge. I have already learned a lot, and I’m curious to see what all I can learn by the end of the 30 days. I am already learning that a writer will write, with or without a topic, and that’s okay too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Wasn’t Pretty

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This is Day 6 of my 30 day Blogging Challenge. I didn’t join a group, or sign up for this. It’s something I want to do to challenge myself to become better. It’s not easy, but I’m digging it.

It’s cold here in Texas, and lastnight it got down below 20 degrees. Guess who forgot to leave a faucet dripping? Yes darling, I woke up to frozen pipes, and no running water.

My daughter and I decided to leave the house around noon, which by then, it had warmed up to 30 degrees. I knew I would need to stop and get gas, because my truck had beeped at me yesterday when I arrived home. Normally when he beeps, I have 50 miles until empty, but his data has been rather random recently. We drove 10 miles down the road, and ran out of gas.

It was pretty funny because I have NEVER run out of gas. That is one of my things, to always have gas. If I have to choose being on time getting somewhere, or a few minutes late to stop and get gas, I will opt for a few minutes late and get gas. I’d rather make sure that I actually get there. So, when my truck stopped running, I wasn’t sure what was happening.

We pulled over on the side of the road. Fortunately, we were on a straight stretch of a pretty popular road, and not a back road. For half a second I thought, “This is when having a husband would be nice.” Let’s face it, men know what to do when things like this occur.

But, that is not the case, so I did the next best thing. I called a male friend. He was out of town, so he called a couple of friends, and one of them brought us gas. We were saved!

We sat on the side of the road in our truck for about an hour, watching cars go by. Living in Texas, I was surprised that nobody stopped. Which, I didn’t bring attention to ourselves like turning on the flashers. I wasn’t really sure that I wanted anyone to stop this day and age.

My daughter and I just hung out in the truck, and talked about what was going on around us.

Even being stranded on the side of the road became an opportunity for quality time.

Once we returned home, the pipes had thawed out, and we had water again. It was all good. I guess that is the moral to this story. Life isn’t always pretty, but today, I saw a lot of good.

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Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, and loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. She has completed Chemo, and is starting Radiation. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

Look and See

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My favorite part of this Breast Cancer Journey, is the people God has placed in my path. Friends I’ve had for years, and new ones, love on me. I salute all you Beautiful Souls that give us care in the Cancer Centers. You make a difference in peoples lives every single day.

I don’t know where you are in your journey. Mine is nearing the finish line, and God is finishing up with a bang! There is one thing He drilled home quick. “It’s not about me.” I always love hearing that. “This is not about YOU Barbara.” No God. It’s about the journey.

Try not to rush the journey lovely. One day it will be over, and you will want to look back at everything you learned. If you are pushing yourself through, you are missing all the beauty.

You might be wondering, “What beauty?” Oh love, the beauty is YOU.

When your hair starts to fall out, go ahead and shave it off. You don’t need it, and I love feeling the air touch my naked scalp. I tried to hide it in the beginning with scarves, but living in Texas that was too hot and itchy for me. I pulled up my big girl pannies, and walked outside with a bald head. At that point, I stopped worrying what other people think.

I told myself in the beginning, I was wearing the scarf for them. Didn’t want to shock them seeing a bald headed woman in public. Well honey, if you think that will shock them, you aren’t on Goggle enough. There are a lot of things more shocking than a bald head. It’s actually an exhilarating and freeing part of the journey when your eyes aren’t hiding anymore.

This entire journey involves a lot of waiting, and a lot of the unknown. Get good with that.

It would be very stressful to face every stage of the journey, and bulldoze my way through. That would be ME making it happen as quickly as possible, and not giving God a chance to work. Running on the fear of it all, and not resting in His peace. I had to take a lot of my old behaviors, and flush them down the toilet for this. I wasn’t going to rush anyone, including me.

When people asked about my hairless head, I would tell them I didn’t have a choice. It was done for me. This usually opened a door for me to share how extraordinary this has been. This has been an amazing journey, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. My God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. He will do the same for you, if you look and see.

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Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, and loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. She has completed Chemo, and is starting Radiation. She is in the midst of writing a book which you can help support with Patreon. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com