Tag: #lumpinmybreast

Let’s Sprawl Out

I looked at my bed, after getting out of it recently. Half of it is smooth, and still made; almost untouched. I lay the covers back to get out, and you can see only one person sleeps there. It made me wonder what other areas of my life, resemble my bed.

I’m an overthinker.

It made me think back, when God opened the door for me to leave my marriage. My daughter was looking for houses available for rent. The house God led us to, on 40 acres, had one ginormous bedroom. I paused and considered if that was a good idea.

That house was 795 square feet, but was perfect for us. It was exactly what we needed at the time.

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It was close quarters, so we were always near one another. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

We took what we loved, and what was necessary, to our new home. We took her bed, and I left the other one there. We slept in the same bed, and we learned to stay on our own side. It amazes me what your mind can train your body to do. Even after I bought a new bed, over a year later, my body still chose to sleep on it’s own side, just like she was still there.

It also made me think how I had trained my body to sleep before I went to the doctor. The lump in my breast was painful, and I went from lying flat on my back, to one side, to eventually sitting up to sleep. It gradually intensified each day just to see how much pain I could take. Unfortunately for me, I can take quite a bit, but I finally surrendered.

I made a point lastnight, to lay on my stomach, with pillows propped under my head, elevating any pressure on my port. Then I sprawled out, and took up all of the bed I could.

It was a very freeing feeling, almost exhilarating actually. My body was extremely pleased with this new found freedom. It also made me think, “What other areas in my life do I need to sprawl out? What have I trained myself to live with? Where do I need to trust God more?”

The most obvious area is going through Chemo, and believing for His perfect healing in all this. I believe there are more areas though, so I get to dig deeper. Prayer and meditation, and asking God to show me where I need to sprawl out.

Are you feeling this today?

He had me write it for a reason, so maybe it spoke to you. If so, I pray for us to ‘let go’ of who we have trained ourselves to be, and open our hearts to His plan for our lives. Just like Nike says, “Just do it,” we can say, “Let’s sprawl out.”

The Journey Begins

I wrote this two weeks ago from today, and trashed it.

God wants me to share this in hopes of helping others. It’s not about me and what I’m going through. It’s about the journey and the miracle in store. We see what’s in front of us, but the journey is where it can all change.

Unpacking my suitcase this morning, I saw these.

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Why is there a stack of doctors cards from a cancer center? Oh yeah…They say that’s me.

If you are lost on this journey, you can pick up the beginning here.

On Tuesday, March 22nd, I sat in a little room, waiting for the doctor to walk in. The journey so far has been about the waiting. It was a huge test to keep me waiting for an hour, but he knew what he was doing. He walked in, introduced himself, sat down and said, “So Barbara, what brings you here to see me today?”

Later on I realized, he wanted to see if I could say it.

I don’t recall my exact words, but they were calmly coming out of my mouth something like this. I told him about the mammogram; the biopsy, then the call from my doctor using the ‘C’ word, and rushing me to see him. So, basically, they are telling me I have a mass in my breast, the size of a golf ball. It’s cancer, and I want it gone. What’s the plan?

Let me just stop and say….When God gives you a season of calmness and quiet…Take it!

Don’t question it. Enjoy it, because I had that, and it prepares you for the next season.

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A sea of phone calls coming in daily. My phone has rang more in the past three weeks, than it has in the past three years. God has it all planned and is opening every door before me.

Chemo is the plan. We start there he says. I’m more worried about the port they are going to stick under my skin, right above my breast, than the actual Chemo. I’ve always been in perfect health. I’ve been in the hospital twice, and that was for having babies. God has always protected me and He’s not going to stop now. My part is to keep moving forward.

As we ponder Easter week, what I am going through is nothing compared to what Jesus did.

Thank you Jesus for everything you did for us, and continue to do for us, while we wait.