Test of Faith

I haven’t had any reliable Internet the last couple of days. Seymour and I took off, and drove to the beach. We saw the ocean, but it was raining, so we didn’t get to enjoy it as we had planned. The trip wasn’t about walking on the beach. It was about all the time spent together in the car, sharing a room, and talking and listening to one another’s life stories.

As I was driving to my Mammogram appointment Thursday morning, all these recollections of my Breast Cancer journey came to mind. Driving down a country road, toward the city, I saw a slide show before me. Moments where my faith was tested, and I was ready to call it quits. Seymour mentioned that I suffered in silence, so why did I feel so exposed?

I arrived at my appointment, was escorted to a screening room, and stood before that massive machine for the first time in a year. The last time I was there, I could only hug it, and sob. This time was different. The technician had to keep moving the machine upwards to accommodate my height. I was stronger now, so maybe I was standing a little bit taller.

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The technician used the machine to take pictures of both breasts in 3D. When she was done, I went to sit in a private lounge, just for women waiting for the test, or the results.

I sat down across from a woman, I guessed to be retirement age. She had been crying, and was clutching the front of her gown, trying to keep it from falling open. I had been right where she was sitting, so I asked her, “Are you okay?” She started to cry some more.

She told me that she had been so faithful with her Mammograms. She had received one every year for as far back as she could remember. She was late in getting this one, and when she did, they saw something concerning. They had just done a more in depth one, and she was waiting to hear the next steps. She was at her beginning, and I was at my end.

The first thing I assured her of was, there is no such thing as ‘late’. You are here now, and that is all that matters. I shared the names of all my doctors with her, and she frantically took notes. The technician came back to get me, and as I left, I looked at her and said, “God bless you.” She whispered the same to me, and I told her, “He does everyday love.”

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My journey created a profound intimacy with God. It’s still there, even though my journey was coming to a close. God was getting ready to test my faith, as see what I had learned.

The technician escorted me to a different room, which I recognized immediately. There was the table I had laid on during my biopsy. She asked me to lay on the table, and open the right side of my gown. I laid down, and asked her, “You realize the lump was in my left?”

She said, “Oh I know Mrs. Holmes, but we saw something in the right that we need to take a closer look at.” My world stopped. I realized I had been so concerned about the left one, that I hadn’t paid much attention to the right. I felt the warm gel hit my breast, and the wand of the sonogram machine started sliding around. At that point, I lost all control.

I broke down, and started sobbing on the table. The female technician patted my arm, reassuring me that it was all okay. I told her, “I cannot do this again! I cannot go through it all again!!!” But you know what? If I needed to go through it again, God would be there. My next thought was, I would have both breasts removed, so at least I could come back as a 36C!

She completed the sonogram, and left the room to review the results with the Oncologist. When she returned, she exclaimed, “You are all good Mrs. Holmes! It’s only a cyst!” There was more than one test given here, and thanks be to God that I was able to pass ’em both.

Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, a recent Breast Cancer survivor, and she loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

First and Last

I woke up this morning to the sweetest Meme awaiting approval on my Facebook Timeline. She posted it my personal page, but I met this woman on my Letitgocoach Facebook Page.

tycoach2This is not the first time, and I hope it won’t be the last. To hear it is oh so sweet.

The appointment with my Oncologist went very well on Monday. We basically thanked one another for being there, and said our good-byes. He said if anything comes up where I need him, to just call. Well, let’s just say, “Thank you Doc, but I hope this is the last time.”

I have my mammogram tomorrow morning. This will be the first one in exactly one year. The first time I had one it showed the lump in my breast, and was extremely painful! They are not supposed to be painful lovely. I had waited until I couldn’t wait any longer to go have the mammogram. I remember standing there, hugging the machine, and sobbing.

This one won’t be painful, unless I have a really sucky technician. My hope is that I have the same one I had the first time, so she can see what God did in that year.

I’m a completely different woman from the first time, but it won’t be my last.

My surgeon wants me to have one every 6 months for two years. I looked at her like, “Gosh! Will this journey ever end?” The journey continues, and I’m just better than I was at the first. Thank you God it wasn’t my last.

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Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, a recent Breast Cancer survivor, and she loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

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Permission to Grow

Let me start by saying, I love seeing God walk through my life. I was mopping earlier, and had a revelation. Does that ever happen to you? When you are focused on a task, He whispers. It used to happen while vacuuming, but this house has carpet in only one room. He knows it gonna take longer than one room for me to hear Him, so it’s while mopping.

I am of the belief that change starts from within. If you have a situation in your life that your gut, or instinct feels unease about, look in the mirror. How long do we allow it linger before addressing it? I purchased a couple of online courses this year, and didn’t complete them. These courses were offered on a donation basis, so there again, not a lot of money.

There was a time I thought you had to invest a lot of money for it to be meaningful. If you have read any of my Blogs, you know I no longer believe that. The lesson is always worth the price, no matter how large, or how small. We just need to complete the lesson.

I saw a shift in my writing after we returned home from Missouri. It’s like I have this new, non Cancerous body, but God is still trying to get down to the good stuff. Authenticity.

The shift started with Be Engaged, published five days ago. From there I went onto being a Rule Breaker, revealing some Perspective, and some More Perspective, which brought me to today concerning Boxes. My friend Connie left a comment under Boxes. I realized the Amaryllis wasn’t the only thing that needed Permission to Grow.

a-tree-does-not-ask-permission-to-grow I’m not a tree, so I need to give myself Permission to Grow.

My best guess as to why I didn’t complete those lessons is…I was uncomfortable. They hit something within that I wasn’t ready to see. So, I grabbed my planner, and wrote that in there. Complete the lessons! Then of course my mind was flooded with all the ‘what if’s.’

I’m going to stifle the ‘what if’s’ today, and roll in obedience to God. Whatever it is I wasn’t willing to see before, I am ready to see now. To begin any change, acceptance is a good place to start. During Chemo, I gave myself Permission to Rest, and now it’s time to grow!

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Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, a recent Breast Cancer survivor, and she loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

Don’t Do It

As I was dropping my daughter off yesterday, to spend the weekend with her Dad, she hugged me and said, “Don’t do anything Mom. Be still and wait on God.” She knows I am in an uncomfortable moment in life and shared her wisdom.

katieblogDoing what’s right and doing the next right thing is how I enjoy living my life. When I feel mistreated by someone in my life and it happens unexpectedly, I have to pause. My sponsor taught me, “Wait three days before making a decision.” The only behavior I can control is my own.

I am so grateful for sobriety today! Some things happened this week that would have not been pretty if I were still drinking. Drinking would have caused an irrational reaction and made matters much worse. Being sober gives me clarity of mind and I get to respond instead of reacting.

Drinking took pretty out of my life. It clouded my vision and thinking to the point of not enjoying the actual moment. As I sit and type this, I’m overlooking a lake. The breeze is lightly blowing across the water and with the sun hitting it at the same time, it looks like someone just dumped a truckload of glitter onto the surface. I get to see that today.

stormThere is a small storm brewing in my life right now. It was caused by the actions of others, but it’s still painful for me. I was listening to Joel Osteen during the drive to the lake yesterday. He was talking about being pushed into your purpose. What we feel right before the big push.

God uses pressure to make many things and that includes our character. My daughter saw the pressure I was under and encouraged me not to move. My circumstances are beckoning to be fixed, but I am determined to wait on God. I’m in the birth canal right before the push.

God will use what I’m going through for my good and His glory, as long as I stay out of it. The minute I step in and fix it, His power ceases. I like to think of it as a test. I want to pass it, so I don’t have to keep retaking it. God doesn’t cause trouble, but He will use it to make us better. The more quiet and still I become, the better I can hear. Being sober today shows me options I couldn’t see before. Thank you God for sobriety and for being with me in the storm.

 

blackandwhiteBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 16 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a Letitgocoach and help others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and enjoys Blogging about her life.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com