Cry It Out

I just needed to write. There is something about it that pulls all the frazzled ends back into my tapestry of life.

waiting

This is one of my favorite pictures, and I used it in a Blog written one year ago. To think of it today reminds me, this has been my year of waiting. I don’t mind waiting. God has given me plenty of practice, so I’ve become relatively good at it. It helps when you know what you’re waiting for. This week it was a call.

A week ago Monday, I had a call from my breast surgeon to see when I wanted to schedule the lumpectomy. We talked about Chemo, how I was doing, and when was my last treatment scheduled.

It felt like two doses of The Red Devil had been harder on me than the first 12 weeks combined. I still had two more doses to go, and in all honesty I wasn’t sure my body could take it. She said, “Maybe we can go ahead and do surgery then.” A light came on at the end of the tunnel.

She had to talk with my doctor, but she felt confident the lump was plenty small enough by now to be removed. So, the waiting began. I didn’t expect it to take this long, but 10 days later I received the verdict from my doctor. He said, “No.” That was when I had to cry it out.

I don’t know what God’s plan is, but it broke my heart when He said, “No”, to that plan.

wait

Did I mention the part where I got so pissed off, I called and left a message with my nurse that I wasn’t coming to Chemo next week? I was nice, but it happened, and it got her attention! She called me right back, so I didn’t have to wait long at all on that call.

So, I’ve gotten disappointed, angry, and cried, all within two hours time. I’m over it.

I try not to let my emotions get the best of me. I have always tried to keep it all under control, and let things like this just roll down my back. It normally works because I know a large part of life is a test.

If I can look at it as a test, and God as my teacher, it really inspires me to pass that test. I felt like I was failing the test, but then I realized, this test isn’t over.

I will know it’s over when God gets the glory from this journey. He gets the glory every morning when I wake up, but He is a Master at showing off in my life. He knows I love spectacular endings, so that is what I’m waiting for. I don’t see it yet, but I know its there.

During the Storm

Dropping my daughter off yesterday, to spend time with her Dad, she hugged me and said, “Don’t do anything Mom. Be still, and wait on God.”

katieblog

Doing what’s right and doing the next right thing is how I enjoy living my life. When I feel mistreated by someone in my life and it happens unexpectedly, I have to pause. My sponsor taught me, “Wait three days before making a decision.” The only behavior I can control is my own.

Some things happened this week that would have not been pretty if I were still drinking. Drinking would have caused an irrational reaction and made matters much worse. Being sober, I get to respond instead of react.

Drinking took pretty out of my life. It clouded my vision and thinking to the point of not enjoying the actual moment. As I sit and type this, I’m overlooking a lake. The breeze is lightly blowing across the water and with the sun hitting it at the same time, it looks like someone just dumped a truckload of glitter onto the surface. I get to see that today.

stormisover

There is a small storm brewing in my life right now. It was caused by the actions of others, but it’s still painful. I was listening to Joel Osteen during the drive to the lake. He was talking about being pushed into your purpose. What we feel right before the big push.

God uses pressure to make many things and that includes our character. My daughter saw the pressure I was under and encouraged me not to move. My circumstances are beckoning to be fixed, but I am determined to wait on God. I’m in the birth canal right before the push.

The minute I step in and fix it, His power ceases. I like to think of it as a test. I want to pass it, so I don’t have to retake it. God doesn’t cause trouble, but He will use it to make us better. The more quiet and still I become, the better I can hear. Being sober today shows me options I couldn’t see before. Thank you God for sobriety and for being with me during the storm.

Only Our Hearts

It’s an honor to be writing for the Sisters of Serenity and Sobriety each Friday. What a fabulous end to my work week!

Losing my home and having it go through foreclosure years ago was heart wrenching. Ever since then I have rented a home to live in. Sometimes for a only a year, or two, but we enjoy moving, and living wherever God leads.

growyou1

The home my daughter and I live in today is an old farmhouse, on 5 acres, that has been restored to its natural beauty. We have been here four months and the rent is due the first week of the month. I received a text last night from my landlord, asking for it pronto. I made myself sit still.

If this would have happened before sobriety, it would have prompted me to drink. The majority of my income goes into PayPal, so it takes a few days for it to move into my checking. There was not enough money in my checking to cover rent this quickly.

I was so grateful for that moment. To be able to be caught off guard and not react in a drunken spew. Stopping and asking God for guidance and to be my words is all it took. We talked it through via text and it will all work out. The first thing I said to my daughter when it happened was, “This is a test. I have to pass this test!”

It’s little things like this that make us stronger. I handed my landlord the check this morning and told him I have moved the money from PayPal, but when it shows up is in God’s hands. Moving forward, I will pay them on the first of every month.

I encourage you today to be still and know, He is God. He doesn’t need our help, only our hearts.

Beauty and Grace

Image

As I was standing on the pier this morning, I spotted the largest duck I’d ever seen on the far end of the pond. At first, I wondered if it was a black swan because of it’s size. It would dive under the water, swim a distance, and come up with a fish in its beak. I asked God to bring it close enough so I could get a good look at it, and a pic. That instant…it popped up right beside the pier so close to me, that I was able to snap the one above.  I just watched in awe of the duck, and how quickly and simply God can give us what we ask.
I watched it dive under water, and make its way toward the far end of the pond again. Then it raised up into the air and flew at a low-level. It’s wings were wet, so it was going to take some time to reach altitude. He flew right toward me, adjusted his speed and flew right over my head! He started circling the pond, drying his wings and with each lap gaining altitude. Each lap, I was able to stand with my face pointed toward the sky, opening my eyes at just the right moment to capture his beauty and grace.
I went to the pier, like a lot of mornings, to praise and worship God, and to talk with Him about what was on my mind. With my coaching business, I had thought that I was taking a huge step of faith out of the boat. To walk on the water, no matter how rough it got because He would be there. Today He showed me to dive under the water and go deeper. If I started to feel weighed down, shake the excess off until I could fly.
To be a good Coach, I must first be the student.