I wish to encourage you today. No matter where you are in your journey…give it time. Time heals all.
After 14 years of Blogging, a woman is finally where she yearned to be with her Blog, and her writing. This is only my fifth year. I’m going to give it time.
When I begin a new venture, such as working part-time at the pizza place, I tell myself to go with the flow for at least 30 days before forming an opinion. I’m well past 30 days, and it feels like home.
I’ve been hard on myself recently about The Morning Pages. I just can’t seem to be consistent writing in a notebook every morning. Some day I wants to and other days I just look at it with a smirk.
Maybe it’s not the right time…
Patience. Smith taught me that. I can’t tell you how many times I hit the ‘pause’ button on our relationship. Too numerous to count, but Smith is extremely patient. He gave me time and space to be alone. To figure things out in my own time.
It takes time to have a lasting relationship.
No matter where you are today my lovely.
Just give it time.
SC Lourie designed Christmas cards this year. I saw them online after Thanksgiving and fell in love. I was so excited about the cards I overlooked the shipping method and she sent them regular mail.
They arrived last weekend from the UK.
I have fond memories of Christmas cards as a child. Mama would tape them around doorways.
They have become a lost art so I’m grateful for the creative souls who are bringing them back to life.
I realized this year I missed them. You give what you wish to receive. The last one was mailed today.
Years ago, my then husband and I had cards printed and engraved with our family’s names and mailed by a mail house right after Thanksgiving.
I don’t know if I’m bending the rules to the point of nonexistence, or if they just broke when my marriage did. It didn’t bother me one bit to mail these cards the week before Christmas.
They are full of love and they are mailed.
I published a Blog yesterday, and went back into my Blogsite and deleted it. The same thing happened today. Write, edit, publish, and an hour later, delete. To the 5 people who read them both, “I apologize if I scarred you for life.”
My email followers received notifications of the posts. Clicked on the link, and stared at air. I apologize to you too. I have discovered that waiting on this appointment next week causes me to feel vulnerable. I don’t mind being vulnerable, but to let someone read about it, amplifies the feeling.
If you’re a writer, maybe you do the same thing.
Publish a Blog, and then delete it, or maybe you have some in drafts that you can’t bring yourself to finish, and publish. I have some of those too, but there is something I’ve learned.
No matter how sucky I think that published Blog may be…it’s going to help someone. It’s going to have something in there that someone needs to see. So, maybe if I write this at night, hit publish, and go to bed, you can read it while I sleep. Because waiting on Tuesday to arrive is not working.
My instinct is to disappear for a few days, and become quiet.
To remove myself from the lives of the people I love, so they don’t have to be a part of what I’m going through. That is my way of protecting them. Well, the last time I checked, my circle of people are some brilliant, grounded adults who can decide whether they need protection or not.
I believe you are only as alone as you allow yourself to be.
I don’t feel alone, so thank you, for not leaving me alone.
I’ve read more books this year, than three years combined.
I’m reading Melodie Beattie’s, Finding Your Way Home, for the second time. It made me desire for more people to have this level of self-awareness, and self-love. When I began this Blog, it was to show people that a beautiful life is attainable. That was my goal, so now that it’s achieved, what’s next?
I really don’t know, but I’m willing to be patient, and find out.
This year, I detached from Social Media. It was very difficult to do, but it’s done. Three times last week, I left the house without my phone. I didn’t turn the truck around to go get it, and had a beautiful time in town connecting with people.
I’ve become a part of the AA community again. Online is not the same as in person. You get to laugh, and hear others laugh, and that hug at the end of a meeting is irreplaceable.
Technology is helpful in the world, but it can’t replace the human touch.
I found it to be easier to post an encouraging Meme everyday, than to spend time sitting with an actual person.
Memes are not moments.
Every new beginning, starts with an ending. Are people willing to draw a line in the sand, and end the life they have to begin again? I don’t know. It takes grit and grace to do so.
The list is long of what I don’t know, but time reveals all. If you asked me, “How long does it take to attain a beautiful life?”, my initial answer would be, “Five years.” Thinking about it more in-depth, it took my whole life up to this point.
This has been sitting in my drafts for a couple of weeks. Some moments in life can cause us to look stupid. Maybe it just took time for me to share my stupid.
This has become the big laugh in our home. When you hear the whole story, you have my permission to say, “Stupid gurl.” Lol
But you know I am gonna get a God lesson out of it, and that is what I really want to share. It all started when I gave my dog a bath.
We live in this 1940’s Farmhouse, and the tub has the original lever built in that closes the drain. It also has a manual stopper that you press down to stop the water from leaving.
After my dog was bathed, I unplugged the stopper from the drain, but it didn’t drain. We’ve had a lot of rain recently, so I thought maybe it was clogged with mud from outside. I asked my landlord to look at it. He said it was clogged so he unclogged it, but my tub still wouldn’t drain. You see how I asked for help, but even that didn’t fix my problem?
I took matters into my own ‘fix it’ hands, and drove down to the store, and came home with a bottle of Drano. Following the directions on the back of the bottle, I was already looking forward to my shower. I poured half the bottle down the drain, and waited.
My daughter is very particular about following directions on the back of bottles. Especially toxic chemicals, so I told her I wouldn’t plunge it. It says not to on the bottle, but oh, how I really wanted to! I had been waiting, so I wanted it to unclog right now!
I was sitting on the side of the tub, and I remembered it said to pour hot water down the drain. My mother used to heat the water in a kettle, because the water coming out of our pipes are not heated to the intensity to scald us, so I heated up a kettle of water.
As I was doing this I was realizing that I don’t want to get to a point in my life where God has to do all this to me for me to obey. The Drano, scalding hot water, and please don’t plunge me! There have been times where I felt stupid, because I didn’t want to see the reality of the situation.
God has used the plunger on me before, but I hope I have learned enough that He doesn’t have to do that today. Actually, I hope I don’t allow myself to become clogged again.
As I was sitting on the side of the tub, I noticed the old, built in lever was pointing upward. I didn’t recall messing with the lever, but I must have because it had moved. I didn’t think the lever would close the drain on this old house, but I guess it had enough strength left in it to do just that.
I reached over, pressed it down with one finger, and all the water went rushing down the drain. How simple was that? Every time my landlord asks, “How is your drain? Is it still doing okay?”, I laugh outloud at how silly the entire ordeal was, but it made me realize how difficult I can make life, and how simple it is to just go with the flow.
I haven’t had any reliable Internet the last couple of days. Seymour and I took off, and drove to the beach. We saw the ocean, but it was raining, so we didn’t get to enjoy it as we had planned. The trip wasn’t about walking on the beach. It was about all the time spent together in the car, sharing a room, and talking and listening to one another’s life stories.
As I was driving to my Mammogram appointment Thursday morning, all these recollections of my Breast Cancer journey came to mind. Driving down a country road, toward the city, I saw a slide show before me. Moments where my faith was tested, and I was ready to call it quits. Seymour mentioned that I suffered in silence, so why did I feel so exposed?
I arrived at my appointment, was escorted to a screening room, and stood before that massive machine for the first time in a year. The last time I was there, I could only hug it, and sob. This time was different. The technician had to keep moving the machine upwards to accommodate my height. I was stronger now, so maybe I was standing a little bit taller.
The technician used the machine to take pictures of both breasts in 3D. When she was done, I went to sit in a private lounge, just for women waiting for the test, or the results.
I sat down across from a woman, I guessed to be retirement age. She had been crying, and was clutching the front of her gown, trying to keep it from falling open. I had been right where she was sitting, so I asked her, “Are you okay?” She started to cry some more.
She told me that she had been so faithful with her Mammograms. She had received one every year for as far back as she could remember. She was late in getting this one, and when she did, they saw something concerning. They had just done a more in depth one, and she was waiting to hear the next steps. She was at her beginning, and I was at my end.
The first thing I assured her of was, there is no such thing as ‘late’. You are here now, and that is all that matters. I shared the names of all my doctors with her, and she frantically took notes. The technician came back to get me, and as I left, I looked at her and said, “God bless you.” She whispered the same to me, and I told her, “He does everyday love.”
My journey created a profound intimacy with God. It’s still there, even though my journey was coming to a close. God was getting ready to test my faith, as see what I had learned.
The technician escorted me to a different room, which I recognized immediately. There was the table I had laid on during my biopsy. She asked me to lay on the table, and open the right side of my gown. I laid down, and asked her, “You realize the lump was in my left?”
She said, “Oh I know Mrs. Holmes, but we saw something in the right that we need to take a closer look at.” My world stopped. I realized I had been so concerned about the left one, that I hadn’t paid much attention to the right. I felt the warm gel hit my breast, and the wand of the sonogram machine started sliding around. At that point, I lost all control.
I broke down, and started sobbing on the table. The female technician patted my arm, reassuring me that it was all okay. I told her, “I cannot do this again! I cannot go through it all again!!!” But you know what? If I needed to go through it again, God would be there. My next thought was, I would have both breasts removed, so at least I could come back as a 36C!
She completed the sonogram, and left the room to review the results with the Oncologist. When she returned, she exclaimed, “You are all good Mrs. Holmes! It’s only a cyst!” There was more than one test given here, and thanks be to God that I was able to pass ’em both.
Barbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, a recent Breast Cancer survivor, and she loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com