Catching a Glimpse

Note to self: “Bake cookies the day before she gets home.”

So the house doesn’t smell like fresh baked cookies when she walks in. The smells lingers, and she’ll ask if I had cookies with my coffee. I’m prepared to be fussed at.

Stepping into the hallway this morning, it felt chilly.

At first, I thought the air was turned down too low, but the air conditioning wasn’t running. The house was quiet and the air felt cool, and crisp. It reminded me fall is coming.

August in Texas means heat, but it was sweet catching a glimpse.

butterflies-kiss

You’re Not Alone

I published a Blog yesterday, and went back into my Blogsite and deleted it. The same thing happened today. Write, edit, publish, and an hour later, delete. To the 5 people who read them both, “I apologize if I scarred you for life.”

My email followers received notifications of the posts. Clicked on the link, and stared at air. I apologize to you too. I have discovered that waiting on this appointment next week causes me to feel vulnerable. I don’t mind being vulnerable, but to let someone read about it, amplifies the feeling.

If you’re a writer, maybe you do the same thing.

Publish a Blog, and then delete it, or maybe you have some in drafts that you can’t bring yourself to finish, and publish. I have some of those too, but there is something I’ve learned.

No matter how sucky I think that published Blog may be…it’s going to help someone. It’s going to have something in there that someone needs to see. So, maybe if I write this at night, hit publish, and go to bed, you can read it while I sleep. Because waiting on Tuesday to arrive is not working.

My instinct is to disappear for a few days, and become quiet.

To remove myself from the lives of the people I love, so they don’t have to be a part of what I’m going through. That is my way of protecting them. Well, the last time I checked, my circle of people are some brilliant, grounded adults who can decide whether they need protection or not.

I believe you are only as alone as you allow yourself to be.

I don’t feel alone, so thank you, for not leaving me alone.

 

Coffee and Chocolate

My daughter called lastnight, and we chatted for a while.

She asked, “How is everything?” I said, “Just beautiful! Except, there is no chocolate in this house!” Two females need chocolate available at a moments notice, so that will be fixed.

I’ve been going to bed earlier, and waking up earlier.

This morning, I sat on the porch, and watched the sunrise. It was stunningly beautiful. Then it was time for coffee.

cupofjoe

There is something about pouring hot liquid, into a cracked cup. It’s made of fine china, and allows me to trust that it is going to hold that liquid. I carry it with the saucer underneath, just in case it decides to give in to the crack.

When my daughter and I were packing to leave my marriage, we had one rule of thumb. She wasn’t sure what to take, and what to leave, so I asked her, “Do you love it? If you love it, and will use it, then pack it up.” This caused me to ponder what I had in the house that I loved, but didn’t use.

This china was only used at Christmas. The rest of the time, it was displayed in the china cabinet with all of the other, ‘look but don’t touch’ items. It was time for that to change.

I packed up the china, and we use it like everyday plates.

My daughter knows I’m not big into Halloween, but I love fall. Last year, she bought me a pumpkin covered in sequins. I said, “I’m going to have to find our fall decoration pumpkin, and set it out.” She wasn’t as amused as I was.

daisy

I saw this yesterday, and brought it home. A year ago, I would have walked right by it because it’s real. Taking care of plants this year gave me this philosophy. It will either thrive, or we will enjoy it while it’s here. She says the Boston Ferns on the front porch are so huge, they are obnoxious.

I’m excited about seeing her today, and hearing about her travels. Time to head out for some coffee and chocolate.

heartmore

Me…Not Worried

I love the way God prepares me for what is next.

Everything you step out and do in life is practice.

It may not be a part of your plan, but by being willing to go forth, and just do, it will lead you onto the next thing.

worried

I was reminded this week, I cannot help people unless they are ready for change. It’s healthy for me today to set that boundary, and step away. I cannot save souls by posting on Social Media. It may make them feel better for a moment, but that is just a band-aid for something that runs deeper.

God gave me an idea on Monday, so this is day 3 of praying, pondering, and asking questions. I’m gonna move forward with it and see what happens. It is something I’ve done before, and it’s normally successful, but even if it’s not hugely successful, it helps others, and causes me to become better.

The biggest thing God has prepared me for recently is, not having Internet since Saturday. A short time ago, I would have come unglued. Slowly becoming disenchanted with technology, and letting go of all that a phone can do, has brought me to this peaceful space. The Internet will be back, but it’s nice to know, I’ve been able to enjoy life without it.

Trust the Process

ferns

It was early morning as I was sat in the front porch swing, pondering my sobriety. November 10th will mark 19 years sober. It’s scary getting close to the 20 year mark because you want to keep it. God spoke to my heart and said, “What are you doing to protect it?” I had lost track of that piece of me. It was time to go back and visit Alcoholics Anonymous.

Walking into a meeting the topic was ‘Unity.’ That felt good.

Sitting, listening to people share, and gathering up wisdom from the room. I was taking notes for later, and my pen started writing without a thought. Looking at the page it read, “I don’t need an intimate relationship, but I do need/want love.” The date was Sunday, July 2nd, which was right before I Bled Out, and then came, You are Good.

I’ve been reading Melody Beattie. My heart is tender now, and I want to keep it. To keep a tender heart you have to douse yourself with the tender-hearted. Like the ferns on the porch that get drenched everyday, I’m going to trust the process.

 

Take It Or Leave It

We had a beautiful Christmas and are looking forward to the New Year. This has been a truly great year! That doesn’t mean it’s been easy or uneventful. I choose to look at life’s challenges as opportunity for growth. There is always something to learn, which is probably why I refer to ‘lessons learned’ so often. God willing, I will never stop learning.

rightsI posted this on Facebook a while back, and caused quite a stir. The picture says it all, but the quote drives it home. Have you thought about what and who you’re going to allow to go with you into 2015? Please ponder.

I encourage to leave the past behind you and step into newness. If you’ve been carrying the past with you, how has that served you so far?

I always remind my daughter, “They can’t have a valid opinion where they don’t have any responsibility.” Take some time before the New Year, and see how you want 2015 to look. What would you change? Who would you delete from your contacts list? When my daughter and I were moving from our existing life into a new one, she wasn’t sure what to pack to take with her. She saw me packing up items, but being selective. I told her, “Only pack it if it brings you joy. If it adds love and light to your life, then bring it, otherwise, leave it.’

That is my best advice to you for 2015. If it brings you love, light and joy then take it with you into the New Year. Otherwise, leave it.