Doing It Afraid

Lastnight was the first night since the port placement that I didn’t sleep sitting up. I was tired of that position, so I curled up in a ball on my left side, and woke up with no pain.

I was scared to lay that way. The left side is where the tumor, and port live for now. It felt so good to lay the way I would normally sleep. God had His arms around me through the night.

This entire journey, has been ‘doing it afraid.’ I was terrified what the mammogram would show. Then came the biopsy, where I laid on the table and wept. It hurt like hell. It wasn’t the procedure itself, I believe it was the doctor. If you have the right people in your path, this should not be painful. They are there to ease your pain darling, and care for you.

this-is-the-daySo today was the day beauties. The day the bandage was to come off from the port placement. I was so scared to pull it off. Having no clue what it was going to look like underneath. Let me just say, I’ve always been a wuss when it comes to bandages and needles. Welp…That is fading fast. Every part of the journey makes us stronger and better.

The fear of the unknown is what it was. Not knowing for sure what it was going to look like once the bandage was off. It was nothing like I had imagined. It was merely stitches, in skin, and a slight lump where the port is resting. As I stood before the mirror, pulling at the adhesive, repeating, “God help me,”  it was nothing to fear at all. He had it all planned.

Tomorrow I start Chemo, but at this point, there is less fear. God has traveled this road before me, and He will be there tomorrow as well. Thank you for your love and prayers Beautiful Souls. Much love to you.

 

 

 

 

We Need You

I woke up this morning wanting to put the brakes on my life. Just for a few days. Everything happened so fast. The list of who I’ve seen and what has been done is huge. Tomorrow, the rubber hits the road. I get my port placement inserted very early. Austin is growing on me.

I went to see my doctor today. He is delightful, and has a sparkling attitude. He was going over the results of the MRI, with this puzzled look on his face. He said when they did the mammogram and ultrasound, they saw three other small satellites floating around the one mass. After reviewing the MRI, which is significantly more detailed, there were none.

No satellites. Just the one mass alone.

He looked puzzled, but it was no surprise to me. I flat out told him, “God is healing me!”

He smiled, nodded his head, still looking at the MRI and said, “Yes. We need God.”

Then I went to learn all about Chemo. This lady was delightful too! I had my book ready to take notes, and she chuckled. On her lap was this large binder of pages and pages, which were all going home with me. I put my book away. She started flipping through all the pages, and at first it was mild. She was telling me what I could expect from the medicines.

It was all good until she started talking about some negative effects of the combined Chemo. My face was priceless I’m sure as I looked at her and said, “Rebuke.”

I’m just walking up to doors on this journey. Tapping to see if they open. When they do, I walk through and see what the person on the other side has in store. God has lined up the most wonderful people for me. My doctor laughs and says, “You’re gonna be just fine.”

The lady in the Chemo department is excited about me being there. I noticed about 3/4 of the way through her stack of pages, she just stopped and put them up. She said she didn’t see any need to go over the rest because I was gonna be just fine. As I was leaving, she told me, “We’re gonna have fun! I’m so glad you’re here. We need you.”

God has me right where I’m supposed to be. After we left Austin, I stopped and bought this.

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That made everything more better. Goodnight Beautiful Souls.