I Need To

Earlier this week while writing my Morning Pages, I noticed the final paragraph was filled with these three words, I need to. There’s a smallish list of things I’ve been setting aside that my heart wants to do.

I need to write some letters to friends, and have been wanting to for weeks. I need to fill out an application for free parking at the lake for my truck, and hopefully have my paddleboard in tow. My board hasn’t been dropped into the water all year. I need to keep calling around about a new windshield for my truck that was hit by a rock and cracked. Things like that.

This month I’ve been looking at commitments, and diving deeper into them. It really made me take a look at what I’m committed to and the quality time I give those commitments. I need to recommit to dating because right now it feels like men are making an appointment to see me. My two jobs are taking all of my commitment, but that’s not good for the mind, body, or spirit in the long run. We need to carve out time for what feeds our hearts.

That night I was reading my Magnolia magazine during a huge thunderstorm. What began as a distraction from the thunder and torrential rain became just what I needed. I didn’t realize this month’s issue was focused on commitment, until I read what’s posted below by Joanna Gaines. This year, I’ve learned to have commitments without projecting any particular outcome and it’s a very freeing experience to just remain committed, no matter what.

“So, as I sit here now, thinking about the pursuits and the people I’m committed to, I’m not worrying about outcomes, or how they should look through the lens of a culture that so highly values results. Because maybe the true purpose of being devoted to something isn’t found in how it ends, but in the way it takes shape~~or even ends up shaping us~~along the way.” ~Joanna Gaines.

So, my lovelies, this weekend I’m going to find some stillness to hear my heart and do what it says I need to.

Love Me Back

A member of Fearless Warrior reached out to me wanting to know my whole story. She had read the About page on my Blog and said, “There’s a gap between leaving your marriage and where you are now.”

I tried to summarize the woman she knows today on a Zoom. There’s over 800 published posts between where it began and what you’re reading now. With every click of the publish button, I left ‘that me’ on the page. Each new day brought a newer me, so I told her, “It’s all in the Blog.” Writing is my therapy.

About a week ago, I found this meme and it pretty much sums up my life. When we leave a broken marriage, unhealthy relationship, or anything that’s not suited for our needs, there’s going to be a gap. It’s up to us how we choose to fill the void.

The options are endless, but you know I like to keep things simple. Instead of pulling something or someone from the outside in, I poured what I already had on the inside out. When I chose everyday to love my life, one day life decided to turn around and love me right back.

Feel the Music

My post on dating apps has been pulled back into drafts. I may do a mini-series of my experience using the apps, but here’s what I’ve seen across the board. It’s all about putting yourself out there. Making yourself emotionally, mentally and physically available.

It’s easier being single. I get to do what I want, anytime I please, and thoroughly enjoy my life, but the part I miss is when the ‘I’ becomes ‘we’.

No relationship is perfect, but I believe it’s so important that we have them. I don’t believe we were created to roam this earth alone, but over time we get used to it and it begins to feel good. A new normal. We know what to expect, because it’s only us in the picture.

I love on people, and have even made it my job to do so. I get paid to make peoples lives easier and in some ways better. My life motto is, ‘Leave them better than I found them’, so I have love in my life, but I miss the being in love.

There’s no other feeling like it and love will find us when we make ourselves available to be found.

Feel the Music

My daughter: “You haven’t done a Feel the Music in a while.”

Me: I don’t drive that much anymore.” I hear most of these songs for Feel the Music while driving, but I wasn’t prepared for this song to start playing as soon as I started my truck. It just started playing like it was queued up and ready, but I wasn’t.

The hard to listen to songs. The ones that bring back memories of a love gone sideways, or swept up by crashing waves and drug out to the middle of the ocean. You see, I’ve been listening to the hard songs all year, but at some point you have to dance to it.

Photo by Seth Doyle on Unsplash

This song is sang by Cody Johnson. Mr. Smith told me about Cody and I have his CD in my truck. I enjoy his music, but the first song on the CD is the one I share with you today. It’s the hard to listen to song I usually skip over, but today I was able to listen.

Just try to quit smokin’ and reel back the drinkin’
Don’t always tell her everything you’re thinkin’
And dance her when she needs dancin’

It’s bittersweet because there are parts of the song that Smith nailed, but there are also parts he didn’t. He couldn’t quit smoking, even though it was important to me. I wanted him to be around another 50 years. Smith shared at the beginning of our relationship that he knew how to dance, and was good at it.

I’ve always wanted to be good at dancing, and have a partner who would show me. He didn’t dance me when I needed dancing.

Photo by Akemy Mory on Unsplash

The part of the song he was always good at was listening. Smith never tried to fix me, but would offer suggestions on how we could fix my world when it cracked. When I would get upset I’d go sit in the middle of the bed. He’d give me some time, but eventually come in and lay on the bed as an open invitation to talk.

I wasn’t good at sharing what was wrong because I was always concerned he would laugh, or it think it was silly. That wasn’t the point though, he just wanted me to spill it.

Crawl up in that bed right next to her and listen
Instead of having all the answers

It’s a simple country song, and the name of it is, “Ain’t Nothin’ to It”, but obviously there is something to it. To the couples who have made it through the years it takes to solidify a relationship, go grab your partner and dance them like they need dancing.

My guess would be that’s all they really need.