Feel the Music

I woke up this morning pondering the men that have passed through my life. I’ve loved them all, and still do on a certain level. As I began making changes last year, the tagline to this Blog changed, and I’m still standing firm in these words. “Let it all go, and see what stays.” God stayed.

Hoping in my truck earlier today, this song began playing on the radio. Maybe it doesn’t pertain to only the men, but everything I have let go of to bring me to this space today.

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

Thank you God for pulling me through, and making me stronger.

Rooted in Real

After I Bled Out, a shift happened, and I wanted real.

I’ve been a part of and seen the effects social media has on well-being. It wasn’t healthy for me, so I stepped away, and have no desire to go back. This Blog hasn’t been connected to any social media for weeks, but people are finding it, and reading it. My stats didn’t bottom out from no connection.

My soul bottomed out while it was connected.

I stopped downloading books on Kindle, and ordered real ones. The kind you can hold in your hands, and mark up a page if needed. I ordered some magazines for the first time in 20 years for the same reason. Not to mention they are pretty laying on the coffee table for everyone to enjoy.

My screen time is minimal, but present moments abound.

I don’t have to check my phone before bed, and when I awake.

I check in with God instead.

When I started this Blog, it was to have a space that held a recap of our lives for my daughter. I’ve done that, and we are on a new chapter. This new chapter will be in book form, that you can hold in your hands, and feel something real. I want every area of my life to be rooted in what’s real.



Before it Breaks

I enjoy fixing things, but have my limits.

I’ll begin with the shower from our previous home as an example. The spout didn’t function to the best of its ability.

This happened over time. When you turned the water on, it came out of the spout, and into the tub. The little knob you pull up, to send the water to the shower head had a problem. It has been used for years, and began to break under pressure. It was falling apart, and couldn’t completely stop the water from flowing out of the spout. The shower head couldn’t receive the full flow potential.

There was water spewing from the spout, and trickling from the shower head. It was like it couldn’t decide how much it wanted to give me, and from where. It wasn’t fun.

My landlord’s helper stopped by to complete an unfinished task, and I showed him the shower. He knew exactly what to do, and within the hour, had installed a new spout. Now the lever could stop all the trickling from the spout, and give a full force shower! The ginormous rain head, rained!

My landlord had no idea it was broken. He said, “You need to tell me these things before it breaks.”


When we moved into our new home, I found it ironic this shower had the same issue. It was like a test to see how long it would take for me to say something was wrong.

I quickly snapped a pic, and sent it to my landlord, asking him to please fix this. He sent his handyman to replace the spout, but once complete, he felt bad because the finishes didn’t match. I told him, ‘It doesn’t have to look perfect. As long as it works, and offers up it’s very best, we’re good.”


These Three Gates

The privacy fence around the backyard has four gates.

One is at the end of the driveway. It has a vine growing along the fence, and up a small arbor, waiting to bloom.

I haven’t discovered yet, where the other three lead.


Gate to driveway.

Whoever built the house, and fence, had a reason, but it’s a mystery to me. I have a neighbor on each side, and one behind me, and a gate opens into each of their backyards. This fence was probably built before social media replaced human interaction. I haven’t had a neighbor in 5 years!

I haven’t written much about the effects social media had on my life, but it wasn’t healthy. God started working on me last year, after ‘I Bled Out‘, and I found myself bucking the trend of social media. There are still no social media apps on my phone, and I rarely take my phone when I leave the house.

This from a woman who spent years promoting a Blog, and encouraging others via social media.

A couple of weeks ago, I disconnected this Blog from all social media outlets. It doesn’t automatically post, once published. It sits right here in the WordPress world.


I want to dwell as near as possible to where life flows.

I will let you know what is on the other side of these three gates.

Listening for quiet

Making a coffee pour over has a calming effect over me.

Once I go through all the steps of setting it up, I’m forced to slow down, and enjoy the process. Watching as the boiling hot water, slowly escapes from the spout of the pour over kettle. It hits the coarse grounds, and they begin to bloom. (My fave) Today, I poured the water very slowly, in attempt to keep the bloom alive for as long as possible.


I try to be careful, not to run the cup over. When using ceramics, there is no way to tell how close the liquid is to the top. You can see the spillage on the counter top where I picked up the funnel for a peek, but today was different.

I listened intently during the process. When the water first hit the grounds, and the liquid drained into the empty cup, it was noisy. I could hear it trickling. As the cup filled with the hot liquid, the trickling became quieter, and quieter.


I knew the cup was full when it was completely quiet.

Bénisse Cette Maison

Letting go of what is comfortable. Even though I knew there was more, where I stood felt okay, and it was easy. There wasn’t anything wrong, except my heart wanted more.

2017 was a year of following my heart, and believe me, my heart and mind were conflicted. What was logical thinking, didn’t feed my heart, and when my heart soared, my mind told me I was bonkers. It was time to set my heart free.

Richard Rohr says, “Houses are meant to move out of”.

I pondered that quote for what seemed like a long time, until it took root in my heart. My mind kept pointing out all the positive aspects of where we were living, but my heart wasn’t happy. The thought of moving was uncomfortable. We had lived in a country setting for a few years, and it was peaceful. No complaints, unless you asked my heart.

I mentioned that quote to a man in our community, and he was flabbergasted! He quickly opposed it, and said, “Oh No! Houses are meant to be lived in, and filled with family and friends!” I was living in my house, but it wasn’t filled with family and friends. They lived an hour away. For two years, my daughter had been driving an hour each way, every weekend to see her Dad. She was tired.

A couple of friends came to visit, and showed me what my heart was missing. Connection, and love in real-time.

This house had it’s season, and was meant to move out of.

I came across a picture of our porch, right after moving in.



We had been in this house less than a year, when I found out I had Breast Cancer. My Breast Cancer journey was in 2016, so 2017 was a year of healing, growing, and discovering the woman Cancer left behind. I let go of a lot last year, which I will slowly write about, but there were some major heart-strings tied to this little country home.

This home was perfect for healing, and offered privacy.

Here is the last picture taken of that little house of healing.



My daughter and I have moved away from country living.

We spent the month of December packing up everything except the Christmas tree. On January 2nd, we moved into our new house. It’s been a week now, and it feels like home.


Bless this home.

A Good Problem

Blogging is like having a public journal.

Blogging has worked, because I kept misplacing journals whenever we moved. Writing publicly is healing, and can help others heal, so yes, it’s like letting everyone read your journal. I am behind, so let’s take some time to catch up.

I promised a friend I would write about this, so here it is E!

In August, I read a book by Melodie Beattie entitled, Make Miracles in Forty Days. You may be aware, I’m a huge Melody fan, and treasure all her books, but this one intrigued me. I believe in miracles, and believe I’m a walking miracle, so I read the book, and did what she said.

At first glance it seemed like another gratitude list exercise, but there’s a twist! You write what you’re grateful for, but you also write what you’re NOT grateful for.

On August 26th my writing began. At first it was habitual to list everything I was grateful for. Referring back to the book, I learned how to phrase things that were bothering me. Here are a few examples, along with their outcome.

You begin by writing, “I am grateful today that…”

My doctor wants to see me, even though I don’t know why. (The miracle is they were not alarmed by my mammogram and agreed to see me In Six Months)


I have a dependable job, and get to work from home, even though I would like to make more money. (I was offered a new job)

I love my home, but would like for my daughter to live closer to town, her friends, and her father. (We are moving into a new home, near the lake, January 1st) I love the lake.

You get the idea. I’m grateful for a beautiful life, and this exercise helped open my heart, and mind for changes that needed to be made. The journaling continued longer than 40 days, because I still do it today. You can also do this with a friend via email. To just stay grateful, and let God work.

I told a friend, “I don’t know how many more of God’s blessings I can take!

That is a good problem to have.

You’re Not Alone

I published a Blog yesterday, and went back into my Blogsite and deleted it. The same thing happened today. Write, edit, publish, and an hour later, delete. To the 5 people who read them both, “I apologize if I scarred you for life.”

My email followers received notifications of the posts. Clicked on the link, and stared at air. I apologize to you too. I have discovered that waiting on this appointment next week causes me to feel vulnerable. I don’t mind being vulnerable, but to let someone read about it, amplifies the feeling.

If you’re a writer, maybe you do the same thing.

Publish a Blog, and then delete it, or maybe you have some in drafts that you can’t bring yourself to finish, and publish. I have some of those too, but there is something I’ve learned.

No matter how sucky I think that published Blog may be…it’s going to help someone. It’s going to have something in there that someone needs to see. So, maybe if I write this at night, hit publish, and go to bed, you can read it while I sleep. Because waiting on Tuesday to arrive is not working.

My instinct is to disappear for a few days, and become quiet.

To remove myself from the lives of the people I love, so they don’t have to be a part of what I’m going through. That is my way of protecting them. Well, the last time I checked, my circle of people are some brilliant, grounded adults who can decide whether they need protection or not.

I believe you are only as alone as you allow yourself to be.

I don’t feel alone, so thank you, for not leaving me alone.


Digging the Details

My daughter has left to spend the weekend with her father. I won’t see her until Tuesday, the day of my appointment. He has a busy weekend planned for them, but before she left I said, “I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend.” She responded with, “The possibilities are endless.”

I’m sitting in the middle of my bed, watching it rain.

The dogs are laying on the floor beside me, just to be near.

It made my heart happy that she said, “The possibilities are endless.” That whatever I chose to do over the weekend would improve our lives in some way. I’ve begun this new thing while she is away by looking at the details of our life, and making adjustments. Just tweaking what we already have.

This began in a big way by moving furniture. Using the most of our small space, and helping things flow. Those things are noticeable, but now it’s down to the finest detail.

This has been going on for months, so now when she walks in the front door, there is a  pause to look around. There may be a picture that has been moved, or curtains swapped from another room. The last time she was away, I bought a new shower curtain liner. You would think, no one would notice a new piece of plastic while showering, but she did.

Yesterday, I gave our bathroom some attention. While cleaning the toilet, I looked at the bowl brush, and decided it had seen better days, so in the trash it went. Yes, life should be beautiful all the way down to the tiolet bowl brush! We now have a new bowl brush. Will she notice?


That is Love

This morning, sitting still in the front porch swing, I felt an overwhelming sense of love. It was the most wonderful feeling. It welled up inside of me, and wanted to become tears, but I held it inside to hold onto that moment.

It only got better from there.

You know I frequent a small town coffee-house.

The coffee is a bonus. It’s the people I gravitate toward. Today, their love and kindness blew me away. God had it all lined up for me to walk in at just the right moment. The owner was making something specifically for my heart.

I walked in and he yelled, “Barbara! I am making something for you!” The timing is what amazed me, because I rarely walk in the same time of day. My daughter said, “When they know you all too well at the coffee shop?” That is true love.


He had bought a beautiful pour over, along with my favorite kettle! I was literally screaming in awe of this magnificent sight! He was beaming with excitement. It was a moment.

He said that he envisioned my daughter and I sitting at a table, sharing this moment. He would be right. Just the other day, my daughter said she wished he had a pour over.


God gave me another Patron! That is love.

A friend takes time out of her busy schedule each day to send a video of her life, and thoughts. That is love.

You are here, taking time to read this. That is love.

A Vintage hat box full of stars. That is love.


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