The First Sentence

I opened a letter from the imaging center where I had my most recent mammogram. The words filled the entire page, but after that first sentence, I didn’t need to read anymore.

“We are pleased to inform you that the results of your recent breast imaging exam(s) show no signs of Breast Cancer.” This last letter was the opposite of the first one I received exactly one year ago. The first letter told me the exam saw Cancer, and the last one said, “End of story.” There was a beginning, and an end, but my story is far from over.

Some of the journey is documented here, but who you see today is the woman on the other side. How did I survive? Through love, and God. That is also what you read about here.

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In the same way the first sentence of that letter caught my attention, so will the first sentence of a Blog. I’ve been reading a lot of Blogs recently, and they show me who I used to be. I’ve had the privilege of being a lot of what I read. The Entrepreneur, Motivational Speaker, Stepford Wife, Preacher/Teacher, and those roles helped create who I am today.

Even though I may not fully see her yet, I know where she’s been. I don’t write long Blogs, because after about 500 words, I lose interest, and imagine you would too.

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Do you ever wonder why you’re here? I have been thinking about that a lot, and I don’t really know why. All I know is, God opened this door three years ago, and here I stand.

I love to write, and am working on two books to be published. I want to give you something to hold in your hands, write in, and highlight different colors. Using a Kindle, or tablet is all fine and good, but it’s not the same highlighting a screen, as it is a paper page.

Seeing who you’re not anymore, helps you along the path of who you want to be. Every circumstance has strengthened my character, and my relationship with God. Sitting here I am reminded of the first sentence of an Ed Sheeran song. “I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe.” Been there done that. Today, I can tell you how good it feels to breathe.

meBarbara is a Writer, a Mom to her 17-year-old daughter, a recent Breast Cancer survivor, and she loves God. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

Cry It Out

I just needed to write. There is something about it that pulls all the frazzled ends back into my tapestry of life. I should probably stop thinking, and just write.

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This is one of my favorite pictures, and I used it in a Blog written one year ago. To think of it today reminds me, this has been my year of waiting. I don’t mind waiting. God has given me plenty of practice, so I’ve become relatively good at it. It helps when you know what you’re waiting for. This week it was a call.

A week ago Monday, I had a call from my breast surgeon to see when I wanted to schedule the lumpectomy. We talked about Chemo, how I was doing, and when was my last treatment scheduled.

It felt like two doses of The Red Devil had been harder on me than the first 12 weeks combined. I still had two more doses to go, and in all honesty I wasn’t sure my body could take it. She said, “Maybe we can go ahead and do surgery then.” A light came on at the end of the tunnel.

She had to talk with my doctor, but she felt confident the lump was plenty small enough by now to be removed. So, the waiting began. I didn’t expect it to take this long, but 10 days later I received the verdict from my doctor. He said, “No.” That was when I had to cry it out.

I don’t know what God’s plan is, but it broke my heart when He said, “No”, to that plan.

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Did I mention the part where I got so pissed off, I called and left a message with my nurse that I wasn’t coming to Chemo next week? I was nice, but it happened, and it got her attention! She called me right back, so I didn’t have to wait long at all on that call.

So, I’ve gotten disappointed, angry, and cried, all within two hours time. I’m over it.

I try not to let my emotions get the best of me. I have always tried to keep it all under control, and let things like this just roll down my back. It normally works because I know a large part of life is a test. If I can look at it as a test, and God as my teacher, it really inspires me to pass that test. I felt like I was failing the test, but then I realized, this test isn’t over.

I will know it’s over when God gets the glory from this journey. He gets the glory every morning when I wake up, but He is a Master at showing off in my life. He knows I love spectacular endings, so that is what I’m waiting for. I don’t see it yet, but I know its there.

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Back to Chemo

I fell asleep early lastnight. Netflix continually lost the audio of the show I was trying to watch, so I just gave up, and shut everything down, including me. Perks of adulthood.

I woke up around 3:30 am, and remembered what day it is. My three week break from Chemo is coming to an end. Today is the Monday before Chemo Tuesday. There are so many feelings that go along with that thought. My first thought was, this is #2, out of four, so I’m almost halfway done. I am learning so much along this path, and one thing is, God is big.

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I have been sitting on this Meme for a while now. Just pondering it’s meaning, and today I see what it means to me in so many ways. There are no surprises to God. He knows our life story, because He is the Author, so me going through Chemo is no big shocker for Him.

Looking back, I can see how everything just fell into place. My daughter and I have lived on our own, with God’s guidance, for almost 4 years. It was my job to keep her safe, and care for her the best way I knew how. Living life together, one day at a time, has brought me an extreme amount of joy. Today, it would seem, our roles have reversed thanks to Chemo.

I didn’t know I would be battling Breast Cancer this year, but God did. It gives me great comfort knowing He has already gone before me to fight this battle, and God always wins.

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John 13:7 says, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

My daughter started driving the day she got her permit. We were leaving the DMV, and she asked, “Can I drive?” That was about a year ago. She learned to drive with my Ford F150, and I told her, “If you can drive this truck, you can drive almost anything.” It was hard for me to sit in the passenger seat at times, but she never put a scratch on it. She’s an excellent driver.

Daddy stepped in at Christmas, and gave her a car. Actually, he bought her two. The first one he bought, was her dream machine. A canary yellow, 2010, Chevy Camaro SS. I was amazed, and told him, “Uh, No.” She had been dreaming about this car, and he had searched the ends of the earth to find it. It was the hardest thing ever for me to say no.

He then bought her a more sensible car. Still sporty, but safer. Great gas mileage, and a thumpin’  sound system which is vital to her. He still has the Camaro parked behind his office. I am sure she drives it every chance she gets, but she now sees why it was a no. It’s way too much car for her at this time. Knowing her, she will grow into it, and it will be hers.

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IF she hadn’t started driving when she did, I wouldn’t have a live in driver to Chemo.

What started out as something that had to be done, has turned into something she wants to do. She wants to drive me, and care for me in this way. It was very difficult for me to allow this to happen, but I knew I couldn’t drive myself. Chemo has helped me surrender to areas of my life that I couldn’t before. Sometimes, I have to tell myself no, and let people care for me.

Today, I will clean house, and restock the fridge. Even though I don’t know how I will feel after Tuesday, I can prepare. Healthy snacks are a must after Chemo. I think I’ll buy flowers too. The last time I encountered The Red Devil, which is A/C’s nickname, I slept for 3 days. It took another 2 days to feel somewhat human again, and 6 days to have a clear thought.

You may not hear much from me this week. I know what to do after Chemo, which is not a lot. Letting my body and mind rest is all I know to do. I may not know much of God’s plan, but I know He has one. I would have never imagined Chemo would be a part of it, but this path is only temporary. He is teaching me patience, because we are nowhere near done yet.

 

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Barbara is a Writer, Certified Letting Go Coach, and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was the name that stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. She found out in March of this year that she has Breast Cancer. Going through Chemo, and believing God for a miracle is where she stands. Her life is beautiful, and an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

Better Than Good

Kudos to my landlord, Pete, for dousing the perimeter of the outside of our home with poison. Haven’t seen a Scorpion in days. I guess they got the message, they were at the wrong house. I am grateful.

I caught Pete this morning taking the trash down to the street. Pete is happily married, and he and his wife, treat me like a daughter. It’s nice, you know? He takes care of all the manly stuff around here, and then goes home to his wife. I like it.

He asked how I was feeling, and I just beamed and told him, “Great!” He looked so perplexed, and said, “You are handling this whole thing so well.” (The Breast Cancer thingy) I just looked at him, laughed, and said, “Oh no, it’s not me. It’s all God!”

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I haven’t kept it much of a secret that I have breast cancer. It was my little secret for a while. I ignored the symptoms for months, and self diagnosed continuously. Reaching for some other conclusion besides the big “C.” How can God get the glory for the miracle in store if nobody knows? I am sharing this journey in hopes of encouraging others through.

My purpose is to show people they can have a beautiful life. An ordinary woman, walking into the second half of her life with a daughter, a few of my favorite things, and God. If I can do it, so can you. How was I going to continue this mission with Cancer? For me, it was an ugly word, so how was there going to be beauty? Because God is a master at beauty.

God knows I am stubborn. He knows it’s going to take time to get me where I need to be. The best way to get my attention is physical pain. God doesn’t cause pain, but He will use it.

I was in a lot of pain. It took time, but it got to the point where I dreaded going to bed at night. I knew it was going to hurt when I laid down. I didn’t share this with anyone. Only the few people who saw me, could tell I was in a world of pain. They watched and waited.

They knew it was going to have to be my decision to go see a doctor. Finally, I surrendered.

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Do you know, the day I left that doctor’s office, my pain subsided? That night was the first night in months, I slept all night with no pain. By surrendering, and taking that first step into the doctor, and onto this path, God was pleased. I was terrified, but God was happy.

At first, I didn’t want anyone to know, or anyone to pity me. Being an Alcoholic with 17 years sobriety, I knew a pity pot was not for me. There is a difference between pity and sympathy. When I wrote the initial Blog about it, some friends were taken aback, and not sure what to say, so I just let them be. Others embraced it, and stood up as Prayer Warriors immediately.

I continued to try and post uplifting messages on my Letitgocoach Facebook page. Knowing that God was going to do something good with this, even though I couldn’t see it right then.

Well…It’s been a little over a month since this journey began, and I have a list of His goodness through this. That will have to be another Blog, because I have learned so much!

Most of the people on my Facebook page don’t even know my name. They call me Coach.

These are the people I didn’t want to disappoint. What if I didn’t sound encouraging enough? The beautiful life was not gonna be so pretty anymore. All these fears crept in, and you should see that page today. I have paused posting so many Memes, and started sharing the beauty of my still beautiful life. It seems more beautiful recently than ever before, or maybe I am seeing it through eyes of no pain. Whatever it is, it’s so much better than good.

Barbara is a writer, Entrepreneur and Mom to her 16-year-old daughter. She loves dipping cookies in her coffee in the morning and has a pretty healthy obsession for chocolate. When she started this Blog in 2014 Letitgocoach was what stuck. She enjoys helping people Let Go of what is holding them back from having a beautiful life. Her life today is an example of Letting Go and Letting God. You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Permission to Rest

I love living in the country, but don’t like all the critters. My daughter found a Scorpion clinging to her bedroom curtain last night right before bed. I caught it, and killed it, which we learned that skill three years ago. Then she walked in my room, and saw one crawl under my bed, right as I was going to sleep. I jumped outta bed, and then it just pissed me off.

To sleep or not to sleep?

I started praying, and asked angels to stand around us as we slept. It was my second Chemo treatment yesterday, and I was determined to get some rest. I knew I was going to have to lay down, in my comfortable bed, and trust God to protect me. He has for years, and I’ve only been stung once by those nasty creatures, and that was during the day. I had to trust.

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I slept for five hours, which was better than none. My Chemo was scheduled for Tuesday of this week. I had a full weekend, and then drove into town to pick up my daughter on Monday. I was not looking forward to driving back into town, an hour away, on Tuesday.

It has been pouring rain here in Texas, so that made the thought of driving even more daunting. I called to see if I could have one more day. That is all I wanted, and they obliged. It was rescheduled for Wednesday. Just having that one day, Tuesday, made all the difference for me. I got things done, and prepared myself mentally, and spiritually for Chemo. I was not backing out of this path I’m on. I just wanted a little more time for me.

blog2I posted this on my Letitgocoach Facebook page a couple of weeks ago, and it got a lot of shares, and likes. If we’re going to move some mountains, we have to get some rest.

This is something I learned with letting go. I had not given myself permission to rest, until a couple of years ago. Before my divorce, I always felt guilty if I took a nap. There were a million things that needed my attention, or so I thought. What I learned is, those things will wait. My health and well being are priority today. Just a 30 minute nap, and I will move mountains.

I have always been healthy. I love Yoga, buy food from local Farmer’s, drink plenty of water, and take my liquid nutritional product. We live in a toxic world, so we need to pour good things into our bodies. When I found the lump in my breast, I knew I had forgotten my core for a while. Slaying my way through a divorce, putting life and it’s happenings before me.

Our body is our temple, and God only gave us one. Today, I take care of it, and give it permission to rest.

 

 

 

While I Wait

They say it’s Cancer, but they don’t know my God. I sit and listen as they tell me what they see, but I can’t assimilate all the words at once. I’m a writer, so I love words. Just not these.

whileiwaitThe Insurance kicked in March 1st, and one week later I saw my doctor. She sent me straight to Austin, TX for the mammogram, and a few days later, I was having the biopsy.

The biopsy was Friday, and Monday afternoon my doctor called me in to talk. That is never good. She said the ‘C’ word, and said I have ‘Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma.’ It’s the most common type of breast cancer in 80% of women, and typically hits the more mature woman of 50 or over. My grandmother, mother and sister had it. I thought I would break the cycle.

I woke up this morning more grateful than a week ago. The Cancer Specialist cannot see me for another week. My doctor had to call four places before she could find one to take me in. Our Cancer centers are overflowing with people with a similar situation as me. That is sad.

So, I have a week to wait and see a doctor’s plan for treatment. God has been in front of me on this journey. He has moved swiftly up until now. He’s not done teaching me how to wait.

God is working while I wait.

He needs time to line up the next part of this journey. What that looks like, I don’t know, but He has a plan. My first thought during this was, “How can God get the glory for this?”

Well, I can write about it, and hopefully encourage someone else with what I’m going through. God has given me a beautiful life. The last three years have been exceptionally beautiful. I’m not sure this is going to be pretty, but He promises to turn everything around for His good and His glory. He has already proved that His plan is always better than mine.

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There is a song by Colton Dixon, Through All Of It. I have no regrets, like he mentions in the song. God sees what we’re going through. He has seen every tear I have shed over this. My favorite part of the song is…But Oh…You have been my God through all of this!

There are no surprises.

Not for God. He’s on the throne mighty as ever.

So, while I wait to see the next doctor, I see the beauty in life a little bit more. The pace of life has slowed, and what I thought was important is not so important anymore. I hug my daughter every chance I get, and tell people ‘I love you’ more than before. My laughter still shakes a room, and I take time to notice what other’s may be going through while they wait.

Sometimes life feels like one big waiting room. I told my friend in North Carolina. “I’m just waiting to see how God get’s the glory.” Like we say in the country, “Hey! Watch this!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s All New

I have been through some storms in my life. Learning to weather any storm, instead of trying to stop it was painful. My nature was to stop things from happening and keep the seas calm. Walking on eggshells will make your feet sore.

blogBeing treated wrongly over the years comes in the form of a storm. Doing the next right thing is all I know to do. Forgiving comes easy for me, but forgetting takes time. The pain is similar to bricks, when placed together make a pretty sturdy wall. Not to lean against, but to be surrounded by.

This quote about the butterfly describes it well. They wrap themselves in a cocoon, like I would huddle close to God. God can get me through any storm, but it’s knowing when to swing the machete, or seek the shelter. Seeking God’s shelter verses fighting the fight myself yields richer results.

Letting go of hurt, and pain is not easy but it’s a must. Otherwise, we are afraid to love and enjoy life again. It’s not fair for me to expect a new person to treat me like an old one. God will send people to help you through the storm and protect the cocoon. When the storm is over and we allow ourselves to step out, the beauty begins. We are better than before and life is beautiful again. Then we can love.

 

biopicBarbara is a writer and loves being a Mom to her 15 year old daughter. It’s a dream come true for her to be a Let It Go Coach and helping others enjoy their lives. She hosts Workshops, does one on one Coaching and is working on her first book.  You may connect with her via email. Letitgocoach@gmail.com