The First Step

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One step at a time will get us there. Thank you God for just enough light for the step I’m on. xx

It’s Only Temporary

Little Fears came out with a new t-shirt.

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littlefears.threadless.com

I saw this shirt on Wednesday, in the midst of a wildly rainy day. Knowing my flower garden would love the rain, I wondered what storm other’s may be going through. You know…the storms of life.

My divorce was a three year storm.

Breast Cancer was a two year storm.

But there’s something I learned about storms. They don’t last forever. We face them and get through them. It only gets better on the other side.

Plus, ‘it’s only temporary’. These three words bring comfort during storms.

I first heard them as I was walking through Breast Cancer. When my hair fell out, and I lost weight during Chemo my appearance changed but I was told, ‘it’s only temporary.’

It’s a small phrase holding a big truth.

You see lovely, it wasn’t the end of the road. It was all a part of the journey.

I walked outside this morning to see if any damage was done by the storm, and all I saw was growth.

This plant doubled in size overnight. The sun is shining and with time it will be in full bloom.

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Little Fears is right. No rain no flowers.

If you’re in the midst of a storm, just remember. It’s only temporary.

Cross the Bridge

Living in the past, or uncertainty.

It’s not healthy to unpack our bags and stay.

Looking at pictures of bridges, it dawned on me how helpful they are. A bridge allows us to easily navigate over water, or treacherous ground.

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Photo by Satria Wira Bagaskara on Pexels.com

When I was a kid, the best part of the car ride was driving over a bridge. God wants us to be more childlike in our faith, and crossing a bridge takes faith. When did we become afraid of a bridge?

Melody Beattie writes, “Cross the bridge. You don’t have to understand it all right now. Information and understanding will come later. For now, trust and experience what you’re going through. Know that this time of change is sacred too.”

Pictures of bridges are beautiful. Driving across one offers a breathtaking view. Maybe it’s the journey itself, and not about ‘getting to the other side.’ The beauty is all around us while crossing the bridge.

Attitude Is Everything

The first house my daughter and I lived in didn’t have a washer and dryer. That was not a deal breaker, we were just excited about our new life.

Once a week we went to the Laundromat.

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Photo by Bianca Jordan on Unsplash

I had to make a choice to see this as a positive.

We lived in the country and the nearest Laundromat was 30 minutes away, but we learned a lot!

We valued clean clothes more than before since we didn’t have a washer/dryer readily available. We learned to include other errands along with the Laundromat. She would wash her clothes while visiting her father, and bring them home clean.

Of course my plan was to buy a used washer and dryer, but the laundry room in our home was tiny! It would only accommodate a small stackable unit and I knew I would not want to use that for years to come. The great thing about the Laundromat is you can wash and dry 6 loads of laundry in record time.

My daughter began growing weary of our trips to the Laundromat, but remained grateful. We believed our next house would have a washer and dryer, but that was dependent on our attitudes in the moment.  I believe you have to be happy where you are, before you can move forward.

After a year and a half of using the Laundromat, the next house we moved into had a washer and dryer. They weren’t new, but we loved them!

When we came to look at the house we live in now, the first thing both of us noticed was…

 

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A brand new washer and dryer!

Every journey has to start somewhere, and becomes more beautiful over time if we keep the right attitude. Yes lovey. xx Attitude is Everything.

It’s Almost Over

A year changes you a lot. It’s hard to believe that a year ago, the lump in my left breast was so painful, I could hardly breathe. Fast forward to this moment. I have one more Radiation treatment left. That lump is not there anymore, and this Breast Cancer Journey is ending.

Every ending has a new beginning. Sitting here at my laptop, I’m not certain what that looks like, but I know it will come. My daily routine will have a hole to be filled.

My daughter didn’t sleep well lastnight because Numi was in her room. She wouldn’t settle down, and go to sleep like she normally does in the hallway, so tonight Numi will have different sleeping arrangements made for her. A good night’s sleep is very important. It sets the tone for the following day, and tomorrow is a day of celebration.

There were parts of this journey that taught me to celebrate something as simple as breathing. I couldn’t have coffee during Chemo, but today I am savoring a cup of freshly ground drip. Each day is a celebration. It has taken time, but it’s almost over.

Doing It Afraid

Lastnight was the first night since the port placement that I didn’t sleep sitting up. I was tired of that position, so I curled up in a ball on my left side, and woke up with no pain.

I was scared to lay that way. The left side is where the tumor, and port live for now. It felt so good to lay the way I would normally sleep. God had His arms around me through the night.

This entire journey, has been ‘doing it afraid.’

I was terrified what the mammogram would show. Then came the biopsy, where I laid on the table and wept. It hurt like hell. It wasn’t the procedure itself, I believe it was the doctor. If you have the right people in your path, this should not be painful. They are there to ease your pain darling, and care for you.

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So today was the day beauties. The day the bandage was to come off from the port placement. I was so scared to pull it off. Having no clue what it was going to look like underneath. Let me just say, I’ve always been a wuss when it comes to bandages and needles. Welp…That is fading fast. Every part of the journey makes us stronger and better.

The fear of the unknown is what it was. Not knowing for sure what it was going to look like once the bandage was off. It was nothing like I had imagined. It was merely stitches, in skin, and a slight lump where the port is resting. As I stood before the mirror, pulling at the adhesive, repeating, “God help me,”  it was nothing to fear at all. He had it all planned.

Tomorrow I start Chemo, but at this point, there is less fear. God has traveled this road before me, and He will be there tomorrow as well. Thank you for your love and prayers.

Happiness and Heroes

As I strolled into the kitchen this morning, it looked clean. My daughter had tidied it up before she went to bed. There was the Kuerig, standing at the ready with a pod in place, waiting to be pressed. One of my favorite mugs underneath, sitting at the ready.

Before grabbing the handle, I noticed a piece of paper rolled up behind the pod. It was a note from my daughter that said, “You’re still my hero. I love you so much.”

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Looking up the word Happiness, I saw many perspectives of what it meant. There are a few things I’ve learned, that a lot of you probably have as well, but let’s ponder.

I am a happy person. My circumstances don’t dictate my state of well being anymore. Happiness comes from within. My daughter says after Chemo, I’m going to be all new inside. That sounds like a  place with endless possibilities to me. Sometimes we have to burn down all the crap inside of us to uncover the seed of happiness.

Can people make me happy? No, but they can bring additional happiness into my life.

Once you find inner peace, happiness follows suit. Holding onto that happiness is something I work on daily. Keeping my peace makes everything going on around me seem lighter. If something, or someone takes my peace, that is something I will look at more closely. For me, it usually means I have stepped out of God’s will in some small way.

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My daughter has called me her hero since she was five. I don’t believe it’s anything I strive to do. Just caring for her in the most loving way possible, while still allowing her to test her wings. I love how she used the word ‘still’, in the note she left for me this morning.

We never know exactly where the journey will take us, but we trust God and His plan for us. Just like the Chemo coming up Tuesday is not a welcome part, but it seems necessary if I want to see her grow up.

No matter where you are on your path, there is a plan. I believe God wants me to trust Him completely in this, not just when it’s convenient. I also believe He wants me to actually ask people for help, which has always been hard. He is placing people in my path I can depend on. People who suit up, and show up, and look like heroes to me.

I’m Ready Now

Driving down the road this afternoon, to pick up my daughter, this song came on the radio. It’s by Plumb, and she always pierces my soul. I listened intently to the words, and discovered they describe this path I’m on.

I just wanted to share this with you here.

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Being a Letitgocoach, the first few words caught my attention quick. I’ve heard this song before, but today it was like she was singing it for me. Do you have days like that?

The next verse that spoke to me was, “I ran away from you, and I did what I wanted to, but I don’t want to let you down. Lord, I’m ready now.”

I don’t believe I run away from God anymore. Oh yes…I used to quite often. He always positioned me just so, and what was in front of me seemed insurmountable. What I didn’t realize then was, everything we go through prepares us for what’s ahead. I was ready for what He gave me, but I allowed fear to set in.

So, there I would go down a bunny trail, and do what I wanted to do. There were missed opportunities I’m sure, but I have no regrets. God is patient, and kind. He would wait for me to get done doing my thing, and give me another chance. No more letting Him down.

He has given me a beautiful life.

Even though the path I’m on has a good deal of uncertainty, I trust Him. Looking over the past year alone, I can see where everything up to this point, has prepared me for where I am. I have moments of fear of what lies ahead, but I’m not alone.

I can finally say, ‘Lord, I’m ready now.’

 

Way Beyond Me

I had a call from a friend this morning.

His wife wants to move out to the country. He is a city boy and had lots of questions about wild animals, sustainable living and the Internet. He thinks I’m brave being a single Mom, living in the country.

I think he’s brave for living in the city.

You just can’t beat the drive. Listening to music with the windows open, in no hurry at all. I drive a little over the speed limit, but someone always comes flying up behind me on this last stretch of highway to my house. They are in such a hurry, and the passing lanes are few.

Sometimes, I’ll pull over and let them pass, so that I can continue to enjoy the drive. They are focused on the destination, not the journey.

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This is the road that I get to drive down.

Did you notice I said, “Get to?” I pulled over earlier today and took this picture to share with you. Within minutes, it will look different, but just as stunningly beautiful. I have run off the side of the road while driving and staring at this sky. This is way beyond me.

I love the way God give us things to enjoy, but they are out of our reach. Like this incredible sky is all Him, and we ‘get to’ enjoy it’s beauty. TobyMac has a song entitled, “Beyond Me“, and he talks about God giving us the stars but putting them out of reach. Called us to waters a little too deep. God wants us to know, He did this.

I wrote a Blog a couple of days ago entitled, God Is Sneaky. I put that wooden sign in my truck and headed into town. On the way there, I had the feeling it wasn’t for the person I had intended it for. God had a better plan.

This morning at church, we had a guest preacher. His wife stood up and told us about their daughter being in a serious car accident. She said she lost all control when she heard the news.

She was out in the driveway, half dressed, twirling around in a frenzy when God called her to a standstill. If you read the Blog I mentioned, you can guess what He told her. “Be still.” Be still and know that I am God.

As I was leaving the church, I asked a lady to walk to my truck with me. I reached in my truck and handed her the wooden sign to give to the preacher’s wife because Matthew 6:4 says, “So your giving may be done in secret.” The lady was amazed I had this in my truck, realizing this verse is what God had told that preacher’s wife after the wreck.

I pray she is blessed, and God is glorified over that wooden sign. It’s not about me and thank God this is way beyond me.

Just Being Me

There is a reason it feels good to be loved when we are going through pain. That is why we go to a funeral home, to see the family of the deceased, to show them we care and help them through their loss.

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I love the way SC Lourie writes. It’s like her very soul breathes and forms words on paper. Plus, she begins each writing with the word, ‘darling’, in the opening line. Being from Texas, I find that to be sweet.

Do you ever feel accused of changing?

We do change, but I believe it’s a peeling process. God creates us to be whole and promises that we are enough. The outside world comes at us and our being can become hidden. Do we allow the world to change us, which is stealing our natural state of being, or do we continually look inside and release new parts of what was already there?

I believe love is very healing. No matter what has happened in our past, if we can come to terms with who we really are, and love ourselves, healing begins. To let go of every negative feeling and thought, and what other people think and say about us. To get to know your one true self and be good with sitting in your own skin.

I look back at this journey I began a couple of years ago, and it’s miraculous seeing the life I have today. It’s not what I did so much as what I gave up. Letting go of past hurts, peoples words and opinions of me.

If they’re talking about the person they once knew, I’m not her anymore. I was in there all along, but time, love and patience is bringing her out to bloom. I had to stop being what others wanted me to be, and just be me.