Cry It Out

I just needed to write. There is something about it that pulls all the frazzled ends back into my tapestry of life.

waiting

This is one of my favorite pictures, and I used it in a Blog written one year ago. To think of it today reminds me, this has been my year of waiting. I don’t mind waiting. God has given me plenty of practice, so I’ve become relatively good at it. It helps when you know what you’re waiting for. This week it was a call.

A week ago Monday, I had a call from my breast surgeon to see when I wanted to schedule the lumpectomy. We talked about Chemo, how I was doing, and when was my last treatment scheduled.

It felt like two doses of The Red Devil had been harder on me than the first 12 weeks combined. I still had two more doses to go, and in all honesty I wasn’t sure my body could take it. She said, “Maybe we can go ahead and do surgery then.” A light came on at the end of the tunnel.

She had to talk with my doctor, but she felt confident the lump was plenty small enough by now to be removed. So, the waiting began. I didn’t expect it to take this long, but 10 days later I received the verdict from my doctor. He said, “No.” That was when I had to cry it out.

I don’t know what God’s plan is, but it broke my heart when He said, “No”, to that plan.

wait

Did I mention the part where I got so pissed off, I called and left a message with my nurse that I wasn’t coming to Chemo next week? I was nice, but it happened, and it got her attention! She called me right back, so I didn’t have to wait long at all on that call.

So, I’ve gotten disappointed, angry, and cried, all within two hours time. I’m over it.

I try not to let my emotions get the best of me. I have always tried to keep it all under control, and let things like this just roll down my back. It normally works because I know a large part of life is a test.

If I can look at it as a test, and God as my teacher, it really inspires me to pass that test. I felt like I was failing the test, but then I realized, this test isn’t over.

I will know it’s over when God gets the glory from this journey. He gets the glory every morning when I wake up, but He is a Master at showing off in my life. He knows I love spectacular endings, so that is what I’m waiting for. I don’t see it yet, but I know its there.

Those Three Words

Have you ever noticed the length of my Blog titles? They usually contain only three words. This was a challenge sent to me by God and it was a challenge for a very long time.

The biggest struggle for me when I started to write, was the title. Oh, it was easy enough to think of a title and topic, but the titles were usually long. So, I felt a prompting from God to just use three words. It wasn’t as difficult as it sounds, since my three favorite words are ‘I love you’, I knew a lot could be said with a small amount of words.

WordPress just revealed to me, I have posted a little over 200 Blog posts. Writing what God does for me, and showing how He works in my life. I am pleased to say, for the most part, the titles have just three words. Now there are exceptions. If I was writing about a book series, or a historical place I visited, I would entitle it to give credit to the subject at hand.

I watched as what began as a struggle, and often a block in my writing, turn into something wonderful. Doing this for a while now, I know when three words come to my mind, it’s a Blog title. Instead of thinking what to write, and then struggling with a title, God switched it.

He gives me the three words, and then I wait for Him to reveal the rest.

My mind is full of words throughout the day, so I know when I hear three what that means.

My daughters snickers as we are driving down the road, and I yell it into my phone to send myself a message. Sometimes, a piece of paper is handy, and I write it down. At first, I thought I’d remember all day those three words, but no, that didn’t happen. It was disappointing to get to the days end, and I had forgotten the Blog title.

It’s easy to forget those three words.

Time and Patience

I typed in the title for this Blog three days ago.

That is when God gave it to me. It has taken me until today for it to fully form in my heart.

I went over to my laptop desktop for a picture to use. I try and keep my desktop neat and somewhat clean, so I clicked on the oldest one there. The first one downloaded after the last cleanup. This one caught my eye a month ago.

wait

I am learning time takes patience, and patience takes time. This has been a big deal for me this year, coming from a woman that was once known as Ms. Ready, Fire, Aim. All year I’ve been waiting on God.

There are three things I wanted to learn about and grow myself into this year, and by His grace, I am still focused. Writing, teaching how to Let It Go, and encouraging others.

Has any of these three things happened in my timetable? No. Have they happened quickly? No. Have I felt like giving up and caving in? Yes.

When you keep your eyes on God, you cannot worry about tomorrow. To me, that is not trusting God, and thinking He is going to make a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes, but we do.

I enjoy calling it, ‘Moments of minding my own business.’ When I least expect it, God will encourage me and let me know, I’m on the right path. He works through people to say, “You doing good Barb! Stay strong!” He will send someone to encourage me.

November is coming up quick, and am I where I want to be? I don’t think so, but God must have me right where He thinks I should be. It’s going to be His timing and my patience.